Questionable Archives

Birthday today. 37. Scary. I can post whatever I want today, though. That’s the rule. You all made this rule, not me. I am but a servant of Rome.

I figured two great things to post today would be Porn of Greatsociety Past. This is, after all, the ten year anniversary for the page. So, from August of 2001, when Greatsociety (nee Dirtyfreaks.com) was only five months old, I posted Nacho’s Hammer. An early AM conversation with my penis.

Also featured on the page in early 2001 was the “Passaround Porno.” This dates from around 1990. I got together with a group of friends for a sleepover — the traditional sleepover birthday for the Boble’s “Pope Flip IV” — and we each took turns writing a stream of consciousness “porno.” How this worked is that we — five of us — sat down and hammered out a few sentences. The next person then sat down and continued the story. The goal was to be as coherent as possible.

This was an early version of other cooperative writing experiments that would later fuel my first publishing company (Purple Publications, 1991-1995).

I’ve pasted it below. Words from troubled high school kids in 1990. Enjoy! And you really should be drunk before you continue.

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Joe Krummer’s girlfriend Cindi sat on the edge of the washing machine, moaning with sudsy rocking pleasure as her underwear was being cleaned. There were the sounds of the Spanish mule parade echoing outside. Cindi wished dearly that Joe were there for her…she was hot. Her bagel was salty, AND it had raisins in it. She reached down to her clit and began massaging it. Her mouth opened as she felt herself grow aroused. Her breasts grew ripe and pert as her fingers caressed her hot, wet snatch. Her juices flowed quickly and she couldn’t wait for Joe. As if someone upstairs were reading her thoughts she heard him enter the house.

“Candi, I’m home!” he called.

“Oh, good,” she called a little hoarsely, “tough day at the cucumber farm?”

“Yes dear. And boy am I horny.” Reaching into his crispy brown paper bag of sweating cucumbers, he pounced downstairs with an erection that made it difficult to walk without squeaking with deliciousness.

She pulled a toaster out of her clit. Her nappy cunt had a few bugs crawling around in it…but that may just be the writer’s sick and perverted view of life. It’s a matter of sarcasm and pop?culture, blending together as Joe came down the steps. Joe seemed to float down towards Cindi, and then he grabbed her and began ripping off her clothes.

She pulled off his tutu and removed his new slang term for sex {Portemer}. He jammed his unwashed and {quite coincidently already covered in pussy juices} fingers up into her cunt. He moved around her love apple {portemer} and slowly dorked her off. He dorked and dorked and dorked and dorked until he could dork no more. He pulled his hand away and realized that he left his fingers in her cunt.

He pulled them out and went for the super glue. After taking care of his finger he went back to her. She told him that she now wanted his cock. He whipped out his giant 8″ love rod and shoved it up her cunt. He pumped her for a while but she told him it wasn’t enough.

“I want your arm.”

“I was hoping that you’d ask for it.”

He took his arm and started slowly inserting it in her. She was so wet it slid in easily. Hand, wrist, forearm, elbow, upper arm, and a little bit of his shoulder slid in like a train into a tunnel. Suddenly two fingers, then his hand popped off.

“Oh, I love it when you leave it in me”, she moaned.

“Give me your nose!” she cried as the first of her many orgasms rocked her body.

He popped his nose off, put it in her, and began to sneeze.

“Ohhhhhh, ohh you smell so, so horny!” he cried. Half of her tongue fell from her mouth and flopped around on one of her humongous boinging boobs! He grabbed her other one and began sucking for all his deteriorating body was worth…

“Get the cucumber, get the cucumber…” she groaned, drooling slightly.

He grabbed his cucumber and brought it towards her, but then had a change of heart and grabbed a knife as well.

Slicing the cucumber, he tossed a nice fresh salad, and inserted it into her hot slot leaf by crouton by cucumber slice by salad tongs by bowl, it all slid up into her slavering love?abyss (as she made the creamy dressing).

Now, the politically corrupt…sorry, correct question at this point would be: Would you like Thousand Island or Ranch?

Joe asked for Ranch…and she gave it to him. As her hot clit ejected the nicely tossed salad into the bowl, he peeled off his moustache and tucked it under her nipple for storage.

It was at this point when the two of them realized that Joe had more appendages. Joe sat on the floor and kicked…and kicked…and kicked until her cunt took his whole leg. He tried to pull out, screaming: “Thousand Island!!! Thousand Island!!!” But the Ranch was evident.

Under the horrible censorship of the twisted bastards behind me, Joe removed his foot kindly and talked about women’s lib while she beat him with hot wax and an eggbeater.

(liar) What he really did was shove his other leg inside her and pull her up to his neck like a custom made body suit.

“Oh God yes” she screamed.

Her vaginal fluids poured out of her at a rate that the floor drain couldn’t handle and it soon was overwhelmed. The neighborhood came over and greedily began drinking of her.

“I love it when they have sex” was heard over and over among the people.

As the storm drains slurped her warm joojoogajoo, Joe wiped eye boogers away from his face as he woke up.

He was running late for the boy scout meeting. Slapping on his scoutMASTER cap, he hurried out of the door with a wrench?like erection bulging out from his blue, polyester, cum?stained pants.