The Borgias

I can’t take fucking with the history. Now, I’m not saying that you have to write a teleplay that reads like an academic textbook… Hell, I loved Deadwood, and that’s more a western fantasy than a period piece. I kept waiting for Brisco County to ride into town. (Which would have helped the third season, I think.) The Tudors, which I did not like but respected because of the tit-to-cock ratio, is about as far from the history as you can get. And that was fine. Again – it was more fantasy than anything else. The Tudors, especially, embraced fantasy elements. All that show was lacking was a flying black fortress and a princess who could talk to fire.

Rome, I think, is the best television has done with a historical drama. I’m wild about it. And it took extravagant liberties. The secret there was to create a sort of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead situation so they could be slightly more in line with the history of the time but not get bogged down with the need to truly explore the psyche and motivations of the, frankly, insane fuckjobs who make up human history. It also helps that Caesar’s Rome was a whirlwind of heads rolling, women getting their tits out, and blood splattering all over the place. Especially when you condense ten or fifteen years into a handful of episodes.

Believe it or not, Spartacus is a close second for my favors. Once you get past the hideous CGI and the ridiculous blood sprays, they do a pretty good job. It helps that we don’t know anything about Spartacus and his generals before the Servile War and, even during the war, there’s no real history outside of the Roman point of view. We know the basic movements, and how they all died (except, by the way, for Spartacus, who famously melted into the countryside when all was lost), so there are plenty of unanswered questions for the writers to play with. It’s essentially a glorified footnote in history, and a writer can do alot with a footnote. Just ask James Clavell. He turned a two sentence footnote into Shogun. Rome, again, sort of did the same. Vorenus and Pullo were there in the histories. Caesar sent them on a mission at the end of the Gallic War. They were praised for their bravery. And then they returned to the anonymity of history, no doubt standing close throughout the tumultuous final days of the Republic. And it’s that sort of thing that inflames the imagination. We briefly see them in the historical record — what if we could carry on seeing things through their eyes? That’s the proper way to do a period drama.

So. The Borgias. They really try. There’s this noble effort to weave a historical tale with the necessary fictions of television entertainment. And it looks great. So, if it’s pretty, and if there appears to be some heart in it, then go ahead and walk the line between history and fantasy and reap the rewards and entertain us. Bless you.

But…they fuck it up. My problem is with the little mistakes. The ones that are so obvious they’re clearly just clumsy errors that expose the dark truth – there are no more editors, and nobody really cares about the audience anymore. One mistake from the pilot episode really stood out. A painting is commissioned. It’s a great little scene. We see the creation of Young Woman with Unicorn.

Famous masterpiece by Raphael, one of the most famous painters in history. But, in the show, it’s Pinturicchio doing the painting.  Contemporaries, yes, but, in my untrained eye, it’s the equivalent of mistaking Amadeus for Salieri. You wouldn’t do it.

I mean, sure, idiots like you and me could close our eyes and listen to snippets from both and not know which is which. But, still, if it were exposed – aha! Sample A was Mozart and Sample B was from the latest Strokes album – you’d be all, OMG, I’m a retard. Right? It’s the same principle here. Aha! Sample A is one of the most famous names in history and Sample B is some nobody that only autistic art history students care about. It’s just plain sloppy. How many hundreds of eyes went over that section as the pilot evolved from page to film? Did they not care? Did they not notice? Did they not spend the fucking ten seconds of research required to get it right?

Maybe it’s a statement? Raphael was a hack! Maybe there’s some deeper story being set up for the season? Raphael takes over halfway through. Though Pinturicchio presumably finished the first painting since he appears later in the pilot to paint the simpering albino daughter. “Portrait of a Most Annoying Actress.”

Or maybe Raphael’s lawyers sued from the 1500’s through the Time Courts? (And we all fear the Time Courts, don’t we?)

It ruins the show. I understand changing big things. I understand compressing ten years of Roman History for the sake of storytelling. I forgive fantastical diversions to fill in gaps and weave a more compelling tale. But the devil really is in the details. You can completely go off the deep end — as Deadwood did in season two and three — and I’m fine. But confusing Raphael for Pinturicchio is just weird. I know it’s a minor thing and I shouldn’t care, but it’s the insult I just can’t swallow. It shows that the effort isn’t really there, despite the sets and the effects and all that. They haven’t really paid attention to the most important part – the writing. You end up with yet another beautiful show that can barely tell a story. When in doubt, get the tits out. We’ll keep them watching. We’ll keep our greedy, sweaty hands in their goddamned pockets and dance all the way to the bank. I even forgive that, really, as long as they make the effort. The point is to take advantage of us and separate us fools from our money. But, at least, spend a couple minutes on the product. Even whores take baths.

I hate being used. Or, rather, I hate being reminded that I’m being used. I’d rather not know. But, as our entertainment culture grows like some mutant monster horny pig here in the Gadget Millennium, the powers that be are becoming increasingly…I don’t know. Obvious. They really don’t care. They never did. It’s all clear now, even to those of us who have turned a blind eye to talk shows, daytime programming, and the brain-melting narcotics on the home, garden, and cooking channels. They know that they no longer need to hide it because we’re all numb and ignorant.  We no longer care, either.

In which case — why go blowing yourself up as a big fancy historical piece? Why even try? Why not just make some period piece fantasy? Something completely made up that’s still pretty and has swords and sex and people running around castles? People would watch it. I would. Nobody knows or cares about Papal history or the machinations of some long dead family of nutjobs.