Overdose

I was thinking the other night about the women who turned me on as I entered those fragile years where I discovered that… You know, things felt good. I can only speak in euphemisms “above the fold” or else my day job will block access to the website.

And… cue the “more” tag.

So I loved whacking off to the likes of Tina Louise (Ginger) and Dana Plato (Different Strokes) and Dawn Wells (and…Mary Ann) and so on. I won’t even talk about the girls on Petticoat Junction. Holy hats!

I was charting the course of my porn exposure since the 80’s and, really, I’m a little disturbed. The tame stuff used to be all I needed. Ginger showing some leg, Mary Ann walking around in her little outfit, Daisy Duke in a bikini… Dana Plato is the one who started the long, terrible slide into porn when she did her drug-addled Playboy spread. I snuck out and stole that issue – my one and only shoplifting experience.

Then, late into high school, I was introduced to hardcore porn and, now, almost 20 years since I graduated high school, I find myself being very particular. No longer will I whack off to anything… It’s got to have some standards.

I require a little bit of a story – teen hitchhikers, say, or the seduction of an unwary babysitter or failing, impoverished college student.

There’s got to be a messy blowjob, spit trailing all over the place. Anal’s always nice but, if she’s really into it, then it’s not required. Take the wonderful Gianna Michaels. When she finally did do anal, I was a bit disappointed. She’s full of energy in every scene, there’s no need for her to go that extra mile.

What lets me down the most in modern porn is the subset of truly striking women who aren’t into it. Two examples would be up and comer Emma Mae and everyone’s frowning sweetheart Allie Sin. These girls look like they’re androids…and, sadly, they act like it too. There’s no joy in their scenes, and a general look of discomfort.

Now, of course, I understand why. But if that’s your job, man, you gotta at least pretend. Otherwise – what the fuck are you doing? I can have awkward, unhappy, uncomfortable sex with real girls. I don’t need to see the same thing in fantasyland. And porn is all about fantasy. I want to see tiny five foot, 90 pound girls getting the shit fucked out of them while they smile benignly at the camera, or scrunch up their face in a fake orgasm. Porn is about no condoms and creampies and having sex on the hood of a car or in a stairwell. All the things that normal women don’t do.

Or, if they do do it, then it means that something’s wrong with them. Which is fine, and can sometimes be strung out for years… But always ends in some sort of tragedy and/or a medical pussy problem.

Porn girls don’t have pussy problems. There’s no drama. You pick them up in your dirty van, fuck them on the backseat, then drop them off. Or their parents are away and they want five guys to cum in their ass. Like all fantasy girls!

Right? Or is there something wrong with my fantasy women? I also fantasize about a trampoline apocalypse where the entire planet is covered in trampolines and I have to bounce everywhere.

I am willing to admit that I’ve now overdosed on porn and, instead of hoarding it, I’ve started watching it like a film critic, unaroused, and delete it after a few minutes. Only the cream of the crop make it through to my little hoarding folder. Only the best fantasy girlfriends for me. The good, natural looking girls who crave cock. They wait for me in my little computer folder and visit me several times a day.

But, where once the folder held gigs and gigs of porn, it’s now quite small.

I don’t know if this is just some sort of personal evolution or not. Maybe it’s just a sign that the quality of porn is on the decline and I should start up my own company. Nacho’s Dirty Buttsluts. $29.95 a month. All major credit cards accepted.

This is, by the way, a great chance to link to the archival Nacho’s Hammer article.