Customer Service Transcripts #3
Funny Letters
(I answer with the normal greeting.)
Cust: Hello?
Me: Hello.
Cust: (long silence)
Me: (I keep silent)
Cust: Yes, so, I want to know, what are the numbers after people’s names?
Me: What?
Cust: The numbers!
Me: The numbers after people’s names?
Cust: No!
Me: …
Cust: No!
Me: Okay.
Cust: What are the letters after people’s names?
Me: What?
Cust: People sometimes have letters after their names. What are those?
Me: What do you mean?
Cust: Anytime they have letters after their name. What do the letters mean?
Me: It’s…their degrees.
Cust: Degrees?
Me: Yeah, like, from school.
Cust: You get degrees when you go to school?
Me: Uh…yes.
Cust: And you just pick any old letters?
Me: Well, they’re specific to the degree.
Cust: Could you tell them to me?
Me: There are many.
Cust: I have time.
Me: I’m afraid there are too many. You can look them up online.
Cust: Where?
Me: Online.
Cust: Where online?
Me: Google.
Cust: Where?
Me: Or the search engine of your choice.
Cust: Can’t you just list them off?
Me: No.
Cust: Your customer service skills suck. (hangs up)
My Mind Reading Computer is in the Shop
Cust: I don’t know if I’m a member or not. I’m a graduate student at (edited).
Me: Okay, what’s your name?
Cust: (edited)
Me: Okay, I don’t see your name in the system.
Cust: But I’m a graduate student!
Me: When did you apply?
Cust: Apply?
Me: …yes…
Cust: Aren’t all students automatically members?
Me: No, sorry.
Cust: Why isn’t it automatic?
Me: Because we need you to apply.
Cust: How do I apply?
Me: Go to (website)
Cust: (Long pause — 30 seconds).
Me: Are you there?
Cust: Yes, but it’s not applying for me.
Me: You need to apply. Click on “student affiliate.”
Cust: (another long pause)
Me: So…you found the application form?
Cust: It’s not automated?
Me: It is, yes. It’s all online.
Cust: But it’s not doing anything.
Me: You…need to fill it out…
Cust: I don’t see the link.
Me: It’s in the box on the right.
Cust: I don’t see it.
(So I have him read the entire page to me until, finally, he works his way down the left side, up the middle, then to the right side and says “Application form” and then continues reading.)
Me: Wait! Wait! There it is. You just read it.
Cust: When?
Me: Just then – application form. Click on that.
Cust: Okay. It’s not filling out the fields though.
Me: What?
Cust: I’m there and everything’s blank. It’s not filling out.
Me: You need to fill it out yourself.
Cust: Okay…thanks… (hangs up)
His Gal Friday
Cust: I’m having problems logging into the site.
Me: Okay, I’ll be glad to help you. Do you have your username and password?
Cust: No…
Me: Okay, I’ll give that information to you.
Cust: Oh, just a minute, I don’t do this computer stuff. Let me call my secretary…
(he puts the phone down and screams) COME HERE!!!!!!
And, now, email poetry:
Hello,
I have decided not to renew my membership. (I have, also, cut out cable TV.)
Man, I wish I’d transcribed the call I took from a faculty member’s wife the other day. It was along these lines…
Her: I know you said the limit was 180 words, but we’re already up to 250.
Me: Well, you can send it to me, and I can cut it down for you. I’m good at that.
Him (in background): [mumble mumble mumble]
Her: Are you there?
Me: Yes, I’m here.
Her: We can send it to her.
Him: [mumble mumble]
Her: And you’ll cut it down?
Me: Yes.
Him: [mumble mumble]
Her: Are you there?
Me: Yes, I’m here. I’d be happy to edit it for you and send it back so you can approve it.
Her: Are you there?
Him: [mumble mumble]
And so on and so forth for about 15 minutes.
oh, god. Please keep these coming. i can’t believe you’ve worked in that place for 10 years! you’d better publish everything when you finally leave.
i am constantly shocked at people’s stupidity. really. it doesn’t make me feel superior, but rather more functional than i give myself credit for.