Customer Service Transcripts #2

The first one is right here.

Fooled You!

Cust: I’d like to check on my subscriptions.

Me: Okay…(I check)… Ah, I don’t see any subscriptions listed.

Cust: That’s because I didn’t get any. Thanks. (Hangs up)

You don’t know who you’re messing with!

Cust: I haven’t received my billing statement and now you’re charging a late fee!

Me: Well, sorry about that, sir. I’m sure we can —

Cust: This is the second year in a row! The second late fee!

Me: Well, is your address…

Cust: What kind of operation are you running there? You’re supposed to be professional!

Me: Sir, I’d be glad to waive the late fee. It’s no problem.


Me: I —

Cust: I am (edited) and I am listed in Who’s Who in America! I don’t need people like you dropping the ball.

(hangs up)

Catch me if you can!

(Customer provides all her personal details, I get into her record, she informs me that she is no longer a student and has her degree and what should she do. I tell her she needs to change her membership status.)

Cust: Why should I step up from student to full member status?

Me: Are you still a student?

Cust: No. I graduated two years ago. I have a PhD.

Me: Are you currently in classes?

Cust: No.

Me: Thinking of going back soon?

Cust: No.

Me: Then you have to step up to the new level.

Cust: And pay more money?

Me: Yes.

Cust: Ah-ha! But I graduated two years ago and you haven’t caught me yet!

Me: Well…

Cust: I could just stay a student member! Forever!

Me: Okay… (Ah, sweet surrender.)

Cust: I’m going to stay a student member. You’ll never catch me!

Me: Well…now we know what you’re doing, though.

Cust: No you don’t!

Me: You’ve just given me all of your information.

Cust: You won’t do anything. You’re nobody.

Me: I can actually report this.

Cust: You won’t! Because you can’t catch me.

(customer hangs up)

Not Taking Yes for an Answer

Cust: I want my 2008 payment refunded, except for the $50 hardship fee.

Me: Sure! No problem. (I get all relevant info.)

Cust: It’s just hard times right now.

Me: No problem. I’ll take care of this. Will that be all?

Cust: It’s hard times right now.

Me: …okay.

Cust: You know how it is.

Me: Yep.

Cust: And I’m out here in Michigan.

Me: …

Cust: …

Me: Okay. So, I’ll go ahead and take care of this refund.

Cust: Michigan’s really been hit hard.

Me: Okay.

Cust: People aren’t showing up for appointments and when I try to get money from your insurance group for those missed appointments, they say it’s fraud!!!!

Me: Okay. I’ll get this taken care of.

Cust: If people miss their appointments it’s fraud on THEIR part! NOT MINE!!!

Me: Yes ma’am. I’ll go ahead and take care of this refund for you.

Cust: Nevermind the refund. You can go to hell. (hangs up)

Mexico’s Problem

Customer: (wanting to become a member in our pre-online days) Can I apply online?

Me: Unfortunately, for this membership category, we’ll need the application either mailed or faxed to us.

Cust: I can’t mail it, I’m in Mexico.

Me: Well… The mail will still get to us.

Cust: You don’t understand. Mexico doesn’t have mail!

Me: I’m sorry, sir, but I think it does.

Cust: I’m the one living here, and I say it doesn’t!

Me: Well, do you have access to a fax machine?

Cust: Yes…

Me: You can fax it to us then.

Cust: But how do I send the check?

Me: Well… If you want to pay by check, we’ll need it mailed to us.

Cust: But I want to pay by credit card!

Me: Well, then you can include that on the fax.

Cust: But I can’t fax you the check!

Me: I’m sorry, sir. Are you paying by check or credit card?

Cust: Credit card.

Me: Then you can put that information on the fax.

Cust: And the check?

Me: Sir, you’re paying by credit card, correct?

Cust: Yes.

Me: So you don’t need to send a check.

Cust: Then how am I going to pay for the credit card?!

Electronically Speaking…

Cust: Could you send a copy of my dues statement out?

Me: Sure! (I get all the relevant details) I can send it out by email. Is your email (edited).

Cust: Yes, but I would prefer that you send it electronically.

Me: Yes… I’m sending it to your email.

Cust: So…you can’t send it electronically?

Me: I can. I’m sending it to your email.

Cust: That is not electronically, sir! You will send it to this address. (gives me another email.)

It’s a Secret

Cust: Yes, I want to order the (free career) brochure.

Me: Okay, that’s a free item, and I can send it out to you. What’s your name and address?

Cust: John (mumbles)

Me: What’s the spelling on that last name?

Cust: Uh…..

(long silence)

Me: Um, hello?

Cust: Yes.

Me: What’s the spelling of your last name, sir?

Cust: Oh…oh… Um… Well…

(long silence)

Cust: I’m looking for the (free career) brochure.

Me: Um… Yes, and I can send it out to you, but I need your name and address.

Cust: I need it right now!

Me: Well, the brochure is also online, available for immediate download.

Cust: No, I need it right now!

Me: Yes, you can get it online. Right now.

Cust: That won’t get here in time! Why can’t you send it out?

Me: I’m trying to. What’s your name and address?

Cust: Okay, fine. I’ll call back and ask for someone else. (hangs up)


  1. gwen
      September 2, 2010

    dang dang dang! my frickin’ head hurts. how do you do it?

  2. Mara
      September 2, 2010

    Ah, how I do not miss those days, let me count the ways!

  3. Disco Dust
      September 7, 2010

    If they made a reality TV show featuring your daily dalliances at work, it would surely be a runaway hit!