Silver Spring Shooting

I’ve long subscribed to the theory that nothing bad can happen to you in the early morning hours on a holiday or weekend.  And I’ve put that theory to the test when traveling, when exploring urban ruins, when dumpster diving, and when conducting various misdemeanors.

So far, I’m alive and not incarcerated.  But, at 5:30 AM last Sunday morning in sleepy downtown Silver Spring, a couple of folks failed to avoid a hail of bullets.

The Washington Post reports that two people were shot outside of the garish, overpriced, and amusingly named “Silver Spring Caribbean Style Restaurant.”

Some crazy fucker fired 17 goddamned bullets and only managed to wound two people.  One guy took a bullet in the leg and some chick took a bullet to the face.  Which is one of those things that’s hilarious when you read it, even though you know it shouldn’t be.  That girl has a face that can stop a bullet!

See?  It’s not me.  You’re all thinking the same thing.

Silver Spring doesn’t get much crime like this.  Just your usual arson, corporate espionage, vehicular manslaughter, rape, and armed robbery.  So all of the commuters, myself included, cast a sad glance at the bright yellow “Caribbean Restaurant” this morning.  Why, we were thinking, did something interesting happen when we weren’t around?  Isn’t it the duty of a mad gunman to spray bullets all over the place during the height of rush hour?  God…I would murder for something like that!  The screaming, jostling panic.  The crowds fleeing into the tangled lanes of traffic.  The Metro police officers getting out their one bullet and shakily loading their revolvers.  The heroic Ride On bus driver who takes matters into his own hands and runs down the shooter and his friends.  Number 10 to Takoma Paaaark!!!! ka-thump ka-thump

Meanwhile, leg blood and butterface blood spill down the sidewalk and into the storm drain.  In the moment of silence that follows, we all crowd around and stare at the two victims.  “Ow!  My leg!”  And we’ll all gasp.  “Ow, my face!” And we’ll all giggle.

Then the heroic bus driver will step out and walk towards us, and we’ll all be grinning and congratulating him, and then he’ll pull a shotgun out from under his trenchcoat and start blasting away.

The Metro cops, now with their single-fire guns loaded, will rush towards him.  Oh!  Too late!  KA-BAM!  Down they go like bowling pins.  The crowd will scatter, screaming, into the dark alleys and packed parking garages of downtown Silver Spring, the maniacal bus driver laughter following them.

And then we’ll all die because the plants created a toxin like in The Happening.  And then the toxin will blow away in a breeze and everything will be normal again and we’ll immediately return to the daily grind of our commute.  Like in The Happening.  And then we’ll all ask for our $9 back, but won’t get it because we sat through the whole movie.