Drug Update
It’s kind of a downer to feel like I’ve been up for a day and working at a factory before I even get out the door in the morning. Then there’s the half asleep commute, followed by sitting here at my sad job yawning all day and feeling like the world has come to an end.
I’ve spent much of the last few days debating whether or not I’m sick. Ever since high school, I’ve been terrified of mononucleosis because my mother told me it was a fatal disease that boys got if they interacted with women. And that includes masturbation. The major symptoms include muscle soreness and fatigue. I’ve suffered from sore muscles and fatigue since I was eight. Extreme “mental fatigue” is another symptom, and I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t mentally fatigued. So I’ve probably had mono since I was in the womb.
There are a bunch of other symptoms, but I lose interest in stuff like that after awhile. Especially since I’m too beat to care, so that gives way to my sensible nature which is muttering constantly: Go get a stinger from Starbucks, asshole.
After much thought, I have decided to give up caffeine entirely, but it’s slow going this time around. Mainly because I have to get up at 5am, do a bunch of shit for the crazy publishing company I run, then crawl out to the bus stop in 20 degree weather at 7:30, then not kill my fellow commuters for an hour, then not kill any of my co-workers for 10 hours, then do everything in reverse. I finally land at home around 7pm and, pretty much, I go to bed. Or stand, fully clothed, in the shower and cry and drink scotch.
When you face weekdays like that, drugs are very important. I am acutely aware that I lack involvement in the drug culture. There’s booze and there’s caffeine in my life. Beyond those two distractions is nothing but the endless, desert plains of real life.
The debate rages on – do I replace caffeine with, say, meth or something? Because I did ask, just last weekend, if my friend could take me out to shoot off guns in the woods. I want to shoot his big ass revolver gun thing, and his shotgun, and something illegal and automatic. He nodded and said he could arrange for all three options and, if we’re lucky, we can kill some squirrels.
A good drug will replace my sudden desire to start buying and shooting guns. Realistically, I’ll probably just get back on caffeine. It’s much safer than hardcore drugs and, while on 500mg or more of caffeine, I’m anti-gun. I’m also a bit more relaxed.
One thing I’ve noticed, as my caffeine intake decreases, is that my pet peeves have upgraded to…well, serious peeves. Like when a customer asks me how the weather is in DC – and they all fucking ask that question – I no longer laugh weakly and say, “It’s okay. How can I help you, sir?” I’ve started to get tetchy with them. I tell them that I’m in a windowless office in the center of a big building and I’ve been on the phones all goddamned day talking to nutfuckers and the last time I was outside it was motherfucking dark and, Jesus Shit-Eating Christ, it’s February, so it doesn’t matter what the weather’s like. It’s fucking cold. We can’t all be lucky cunts like you, sir, and have tropical birds sweetly singing from the verdant motherfucking jungle just off the deck of our paradise cabin. We’re not all charging hundreds of dollars an hour for our soft science jobs providing mental health to people who are ushered out the door the second they start to have real problems. We can’t all afford to sit on the goddamned phone all day talking to the common people about the weather and fucking teasing them. Because I’ll fucking crawl out of here at 6pm and it’ll be fucking dark again. I swear to god, is it always dark? I don’t believe in the sun anymore. I think it’s gone. Even the goddamned moon turned red last night! What the fuck is that? Everything’s turning red! HOW CAN I HELP YOU SIR?!
Funny pants.
The only replacement for coffee is more coffee. All hail the bean.