The New Testicle III: The Bobsel of Luke Duke, part two
The Teaching of Bob Jr
Bob Jr went unto the masses, and healed them of their wounds. He made rich the poor, and he did a whole bunch of really neat crap.
“You must love your enemy,” he said unto the crowds, “for then he will not expect it when you punch him out.”
And there was much laughter.
Then he said unto the people, “Blest are the poor and hungry, for they shall be one with BOB. But those who are rich and happy, damn them. There won’t be any happiness around me. Bastards. I want the poor and unhappy – clear? Okay, please make a contribution as you exit.”
And there was much grumbling.
And so it was a Viking came unto B.J.
“My daughter is ill. She is in need of your love and affection. Give it unto her.”
And so B.J. went unto the Viking’s hot Scandinavian daughter. He pleasured her repeatedly, and then gave her his business card, at which point the Viking’s daughter rose up and danced for joy. For she had been blessed by BOB.
And there was much happiness. So everyone who was happy went to hell, because the happy shall later weep in grief, right?
And so a prostitute came unto Bob Jr and showed him her many tattoos. B.J. turned unto the man at whose house he was staying, and said, “This woman has many hidden tattoos. Yet, when first I came, you never showed me your tattoos, whereas she has.” He then said unto the woman, “Your sins are forgiven. Take off your clothes and wait for me in the back room.”
And so Bob Jr went unto all the towns, preaching the good news of BOB. He was invited unto a cornbread and bean dinner at a preacher’s house. A woman – a known sinner – came unto Bob Jr and poured much ketchup on his corn bread and beans.
“You see,” said Bob Jr, “I came into your household, and you did not offer ketchup. But this woman did. This woman is so blessed by BOB.”
“Well…” the preacher explained, “I’m from the city – I don’t know how to serve these country dinners!”
“There are no excuses in Bob Heavens (where there are grits, scrapple, and sausage)!”
And so the preacher brought out a piece of cherry pie. But the woman took the cherry pie and placed it in a bowl. She then poured milk and brown sugar upon it.
“I like this woman!” Bob Jr exclaimed.
“So,” Luke and Bo explained to the crowds, “There’s this farmer. His sharecroppers has alls gone away, so’s he goes and puts seed, like, you know, on the ground. Well, this feller puts some, like, you know, seeds on the soil, an’ it grows an’ grows an’ grows inta big, yeller corns! These corns are, like, you know, sons a’ BOB.
“But some, like, you know, seeds are scattered on the rocks, and they alls die. These seeds are like the souls of men who have not follered BOB!
“So the moral of this here story is that youse should plant corns! Yah-hooo!!”
So, at about this time, Sheriff Caiaphas is getting a little upset. The Duke boys were bad enough, but this new preacher which had hooked up with them was trouble. Together the three of them had cured the blind, made cripples walk, and done many good things for Hazzard County. So, the Sheriff hatched a plan. He got in good with Cooter, and offered Cooter a lot of money and (the greatest prize of all) a plane ticket out of North Carolina if Cooter reported the movements of Bob Jr to the Sheriff.
And Cooter, being a tremendous fool, agreed to this plan.
So Bob Jr and the Duke boys went from town to town and went on preaching! Finally, Bob Jr and the Duke boys stopped off at a DQ and had themselves a cheeseburger and a milkshake.
Bob Jr took up the cheeseburger, and broke it, “This is my body. It has been given unto you,” he passed the greasy fragments to Bo and Luke, and they took feast, “do this in memory of me.”
Then Bob Jr took his milkshake, changed his mind, and ordered a soda instead. He held the soda up to the neon portrait of Dennis the Menace, “This is my blood…damnit…” He angrily called the waitress back, and ordered a soda with no ice. A few moments later, the soda was brought out to him. Once again, Bob Jr held the soda up to Dennis the Menace, “This is my blood,” he took a sip, and passed it to Bo and Luke, “do this in memory of me.”
“Shit man…” Luke said, “You’re crazy…but you’re damn cool… Yah-hoo!!” he drank of the Lord.
“The Lord, Our BOB, sayeth unto you, my children. Do not – ”
At that moment, the doors burst open, and Sheriff Caiaphas leaped in with the entire State Police Force.
“What the -” Bob Jr growled, standing up. The state troopers tackled him, and dragged him off, screaming, to the cruiser outside.
“No one move!” Sheriff Caiaphas ordered, nervously shaking his gun. He backed up slowly, as Bo and Luke ran, whimpering, out the back door. Caiaphas turned to Cooter, “Good job, kid. You’ll be well rewarded for this!”
Cooter sniffed, “What have I done?” he slurred.
“You inbred bastard! You just sold out the Son of BOB!” an onlooker screamed.
“I…I…” Cooter ran from the scene, wailing and pulling at his hair.
And so Bob Jr was taken before the Viking ruler of North Carolina – Vleg the Vlorgon.
“Vat is the meaning of this-a?” Vleg asked in his Scandinavian accent.
“This man claims to be King of the Hebos! It goes against Viking rule! You must kill him!” Caiaphas said reverently.
“I canna kill-a a man with-a no crime.” Vleg replied.
“But he called your mother a pillowcase with wings…and he called her a BOBdamned whore who leaned up against the wall with land lubbers and spread her legs for Englishmen!”
“Did he-a call-a my mother a whore after, er, before-a a pillowcase-a?” Vleg asked.
“Um…” Caiaphas thought about this one, “before…?”
“Ah-so!” Vleg called out, “we will-a have to kill him, then!”
“Yep.” Caiaphas smiled, and released Bob Jr into the tender care of the brutal Viking prison wardens.
Bob Jr was taken to a hill and nailed to a pickup truck. Two others were with him.
Bob Jr said, “BOB, forgive them, they are all fools. Just kill – ” and Bob Jr proceeded to list off 808 names of those who had crossed him, ” – but spare the rest. Well…spare those who are cool. Well…I’ll decide when I get up there. Ow. Ow…”
The people stood there watching, and the leaders of Hazzard County jeered. They said, “Let him produce the fluffy flagrance of the film!”
Bob Jr then passed into oblivion. And the skies turned purple to absorb his remains. The people gathered were awed by this spectacle, and they all said,
“Truly this was the Son of BOB – oh shit, what have we done?!”
Caiaphas was sentenced to death, along with a number of other high authorities. The people then covered up the whole story and pretended that it never happened.
But! Three women went unto the shallow grave in the woods where Bob Jr had been hidden. And there they found that the grave had been dug up by animals, and Bob Jr was gone. They met there a bear, who licked its chops and said, “Why is it you look for the dead when I have eaten him?”
They ran in fear, and assumed that Bob Jr had been mutilated. The thought never crossed their minds that it was odd to have met a talking bear.
In fact, the bear had taken upon itself the spirit of Bob Jr after having devoured the corpse.
On that same day, two of the women were walking to the supermarket when a bear fell into step with them. Before the bear fornicated with them, he said unto them, “Weep not, for Bob Jr has died for your sins!”
Much, much, much later, a bear appeared unto Bo and Luke, who were hiding in a garage. The bear said unto them, “I have brought you bacon! Wear it upon your heads as The Tongues of Bacon! Yum…” and with that, the bear ascended into Bob Heavens (where there is unrealistic sausage). It looked pretty damn silly, too! A big old bear rising helplessly into orbit…Damn Straight!