The New Testicle II: Kram 96, conclusion
Oh, thank god. This finishes Kram. And, looking at it for the first time in 13 years, I see that it’s still unfinished. Probably because, even in 96, I knew it sucked beyond reason. But, in the interest of doing this Boble project right, here’s the finale. The complete Boble online after all these years…even if it kills us all!
So, after this, we get back to the original New Testicle from 92-93. The Bobsel of Luke Duke is next. For more on the New Testicle (and what the hell’s going on), check out the NT Intro.
What’s The Boble? Start with the Intro.
Parable of the Bonsai
There gathered many people on a hillside to hear the teacher speak, and when Bob Jr stepped up to the podium there arose a great cheer! The BOB-con was in full swing, and Bob Jr delivered his speech to the adoring fans. “There once was an old Chinaman who grew bonsai and raped eight year old girls in order to achieve continued health. This Chinaman had a son, who had become a born-again freak and preached of false gods to this Chinaman who, himself, did not believe in BOB. Finally, the Chinaman decided that only BOB could be the real God. But first he would have to test it. He took four bonsai, and over each he prayed for the redemption of his number one son’s soul. The first bonsai he urinated upon, as the Old Testicle scriptures say. He then shaped the second bonsai to spell out the name of BOB as it appears in the ancient Chinese texts. He took the third bonsai and put it outside to be exposed to the elements. The fourth bonsai, a particularly hardy tree, possessed the ultimate answer – and, truly, it was BOB who spoke through this fourth bonsai…
“Calling upon his son, the Chinaman waited for the Volvo to pull into the driveway. When his son came in and approached the old man, the ancient swung the bonsai around and began smashing the fuck out of the boy!” Bob Jr took a deep breath and a swig from a coke bottle, filled with heavily spiked grapefruit juice. “BOBdamnit!” he suddenly shouted, “Do you get the point!”
He turned to Werdna. “How was that, brother Werdna?”
Werdna clenched his teeth and looked fearfully at the crowd, “Actually, Little Bob, we’re trying to steer away from the beating people routine. You may also want to lay off the raping children routine too.”
Bob Jr nodded, “I think I was born at the wrong time, Werdna… I’ll try another.” He then turned to the flustered looking crowd and raised his arm’s up. He shouted out unto them, “BOB’s in da fucking house, man! You got that shit, kids? BOB’s here and we’re gonna read you some fucking stories!”
Sade leaned over to Werdna, “Should we get him outta here….?”
Werdna shook his head, “They love him when he’s loaded. Just watch out for the authorities.”
BJ went on to tell a number of other parables, but his increasingly drunk state eventually made it so that his words dissolved into an incoherent babble. The people still lapped it up, though, struggling to take in every word just like fans of Bob Dylan. Finally, his disciples dragged him from the show and threw him back on the boat. BJ and his crew had been staying on a small manmade island in the middle of a nearby lake. They had almost made it there when a squall blew up, and all of the followers of BJ cowered in fear for they could not control the boat. BJ, slobbering drunk by this point, stood up and slurred first at his disciples, “What you scared of…just a storm…shit…” Then he shouted into the squall a vicious string of obscenities more horrific than anything they apostles had ever heard before. He was starting to pass out from the exertion when the waves washed him overboard. BJ’s disciples scrambled to the side of the boat, but it was too late and the savior was gone.
Fortunately, BJ was in such a drunken state that he managed to survive the ordeal and washed up on the shore about an hour later. Sobering up slightly, he crawled to a nearby farmhouse where he was recognized and brought inside.
The farmer’s name was Jabirus. He was a widower, and could hardly see and hear. His leg had been hurt in the great Geocine Wars fought between the Allied Arab’s Alliance, so he spent much of his time in the living room of the farm house while his seven beautiful and horny daughters tended the farm. Those same daughters took BJ and placed him on a comfortable bed, where they tended to his wounds and dressed him in clean wrappings. When BJ woke up several hours later, he looked up at these seven women. They were too poor to afford proper clothing, so they simply wore rags that hardly hid their luscious, full, and willing bodies. BJ covered his face with both his hands and made small animal sounds, then he peeked out through his fingers. “Are you girls real?” he asked.
“We are, my Lord,” replied the eldest daughter.
“We found you on the shore of the lake, O Bob. The storm gave you to us.” Replied the eldest.
“Shit, yeah…” BJ muttered. “I rocked the boat. Thank BOB I was drunk, or else that could have been messy.” BJ smiled and patted the side of the bed, “Why don’t you girls take a seat…yes, all of you…” BJ then proceeded to pleasure each one of the farmer’s daughters, filling them full of his holy Eucharist and penetrating their every willing voids. When he was through, he was still hungry for woman. Having spent the seven girls, he stumbled out into the night and raided the town for young women for nearly three hours before his disciples found him and dragged him back to the boat. It was there, back at the great lake, where Bob Jr stumbled out onto the water. He didn’t know what he was doing, of course, so he kept walking straight out across the water for nearly 100 feet, demanding more alcohol and shouting obscenely at an old grandmother who had come out of her farmhouse with a broom-handle. When she, and BJ’s apostles saw the savior walking on the water, they fell to their knees and said: “He walks on the lake, it is a miracle…” And, so, the great lake saw two miracles on that most holy night.
The Death of Nohj the Rocket-Man
Meanwhile, Nohj the baptizer and Origen had come back to the holy land. They traveled in disguise so as to elude the authorities, and they approached BJ on his holy island. The island had been heavily fortified, and Nohj had to pass through a number of security checks before he was allowed into Bob’s “palace”, which was really just a small villa. Bob was trying to play up the Apocalypse Now routine, but that was just because he was really out of his mind on whiskey.
“By BOB’s curled toenail,” Nohj cursed, “You gotta clean yourself up, man!”
BJ shrugged, “I’m the Son of BOB, man.”
Nohj shook his head, “What’s it gonna take? I heard about that little escapade in the village – you had sex with the entire female population under 32! That was 27 women! In one night… Of all that’s holy! Do you know what kind of a reputation you’re earning?”
BJ smiled, “They love me.” He walked over to the window and looked across the lake at the mountains, “The people love me.”
“The authorities hate you.” Nohj reminded, “They’re the one’s who got the guns.”
BJ shook his head, “I got all I need. I’ll take power, and then I’ll be the one with the guns.”
“Viva BJ!” somebody yelled in the distance.
Bob Jr clutched the windowsill and barked at Nohj excitedly, “Do you hear that? They’re training! My army will be ready in six months time…then the world will be mine.”
Nohj and Origen were escorted to the guest house, where they sat down and discussed the situation.
“He’s insane,” Origen noted.”
“No kidding…” Nohj replied cynically.
“I thought he was supposed to be a great humanitarian…?”
Nohj shrugged, “He’s certainly not your traditional messiah, that’s for sure. But he’s right about the people loving him, though. You can ask anyone, and they’ll tell you right out that BJ’s a great humanitarian, that he’s a holy man. I don’t know how he does it…”
“We have to get him out,” Origen hissed.
Nohj shrugged, “But how?”
The next day, Nohj and Origen went to the market. It was here that the spies of King Gustafson lay in wait for the baptizer. King Gustafson was a puppet ruler, in service of the unholy Vikings, and it was his duty to maintain the law. As he could not get to BJ, he decided to strike out at those who were close. Now that Nohj was back in the land, he sent his spies to arrest the baptizer and bring him back to the castle. Nohj, unsuspecting of this and unguarded, was surprised at Tammy’s massage parlor where he was just about to pay $250 for a massage and a blow job from a 13 year old Russian girl. Origen watched from the shadows, and then ran to BJ’s island to tell him of Nohj’s capture.
Dragged into Gustafson’s court, Nohj faced the king and grinned. “Hey Gustafson, how’s things?”
“You are charged with a series of crimes, Nohj.” Gustafson replied, ‘We’ve been looking for you for some time.”
“What kind of crimes could those possibly be…?” Nohj asked innocently, and then he watched as Gustafson pulled out a long sheet of paper. “Okay, okay. Nevermind. What’s the punishment?”
Gustafson thought long and hard, “We have no law to put a man to death unless he talks back to his great king.” Nohj nodded in agreement, which seemed to upset Gustafson. The king continued to fish, “I live in sin, don’t you know.”
A trick question! Nohj had to think fast. “I am not one to judge my king’s sin.”
That toadying bastard! Gustafson thought, “I live with my brother, I sleep with his little daughter, and I make his eight year old son whack me off in the bathroom.”
“Oh, and I’m shocked by sexual abuse, eh?” Nohj replied, “Look, what do want me to say.”
“Say that what I do is wrong,” replied Gustafson.
“And then?” Nohj pressed.
“I cut off your head.”
Nohj nodded, thinking the deal over. “And what if I worship and obey you?”
“I hire a madman to hunt you down and eat you, then cut off his head for the crime of murder.” Gustafson replied gleefully.
“I must admit,” Nohj said, “given my options, the latter is quite exciting. If there’s a life after this one, I’d like to be able to say I was eaten by cannibals who, in turn, were put to death by a cruel tyrant. I’ve always respected symmetry, so therefore I choose the second option. I worship and obey you…now let’s be sporting and give me a head start.”
Gustafson seemed taken aback. He spent a few minutes staring at Nohj, then he looked down at his timepiece. “Um.. Three minutes.”
Nohj leapt up and ran out of the room.”