Category: Rants

5 Minutes #3 by Monkey!

Your dad made you eat verbs. Huh? I said he made you eat cum. The person laughed and I hated them more. It was now their fault this anger would eat at me all day long – a niggle, a nibble, a sharp fingernail to poke my ribs when least wanted, not that it is […]

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5 minute Brain Fart #2, by Monkey!

This week has been somewhat hectic with regards to foreign political climates and domestic affairs. Over the pond in Yankee Doodle land it appears that mister wig master Trump – a surname which sounds like fart – is leading the race to become a presidential candidate. In Europe, the German Chancellor is probably going to […]

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5 minute brain farts or, ‘Saint Cunt of Cuntcutta.’ by Monkey.

Since I discovered ‘The Most Dangerous Writing App Ever’* which isn’t an app but a webpage I have been holding myself to a once-per-week exercise of writing non-stop for five minutes. http://www.themostdangerouswritingapp.com/ *Note, if you stop writing for more than a few seconds you lose all progress Here is entry #1 unedited and purposefully bombastic. […]

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Down with the DST

The first time I got a job where I didn’t have to punch a fucking clock, I decided to stop observing Daylight Savings Time. This is harder than it seems, and not for the reason you think. I had to disable the option on half the clocks in the house, and I ended up using […]

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Pressure

When I was a kid, I always wanted a barometer. They just seemed so romantic and exciting, you know? It was this antique looking brass dial that sea captain’s had, and all of the old people I knew who were halfway cool had a barometer in their house. People talked about the barometer all the […]

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Trumped

What’s wrong you idiots? Trump is the best possible thing that could happen to this country. We need him in the White House! Think about it – everyone in Congress will unite against him. His mere presence will dissolve the two party system and we’ll move into an era of egalitarian utopia as congressmen, senators, […]

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The Coach, The Cowboy, and the Monkey

I’m bored and all the news is about Trump, so I’m going to write a long post about something that doesn’t matter to anyone. But I think it’s funny!

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Hitler, That Guy You Know

I have only one wish for the human race in 2016. And that wish is…

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Meandering

I didn’t have a post ready today because I’ve been doing all this for-money writing all week and I can’t concentrate on anything. Also, the only thing that I feel compelled to do is post tons of Youtube clips of Bowie singing and Rickman doing a terrible American accent that doesn’t even fool John McClane. […]

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The King of Farts

I knew this kid in high school who was obsessed with poop. He’d measure every one of his shits – not just the quantity but the consistency. He’d fish out his turds and analyze them based on a series of parameters and record the progress (if that’s the right word) on a chart. He once […]

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