Boble IX: Tales of Lack of Wisdom and the Blessed Ones
Tales of Lack of Wisdom and the Blessed Ones
Chapter First One
The Tale of Smith the Smith
Smith, who was once with BOB, had grown insecure with himself. He was a pompous, arrogant fool who hurt his friends and existed in a life full of Freshman symbolism. It was on such a day of arrogant pissing around that he offended BOB, and BOB (who is a really mean and unforgiving god for the next few pages) was mean and unforgiving. Thus Smith suffered terrible punishments: his dick fell off and followed him around on the street at all times, shouting obscenities and announcing family secrets to passersby.
Poor Smith, who had once thought himself a great power with BOB, had misunderstood the meaning of all that was BOB. Smith was foolish and unkind to the greatest of BOB’s followers, and he ate eggs with a straw and his nose. On Tuesday, Smith was attacked by a gang of Rob-lovers and molested. Smith had a lack of wisdom.
Ford and The Reformists
There was a man named Ford. His motto: `I am in no way affiliated with motorcars.’ Ford was a high priest in the church of BOB, performing Bobological acts, and preaching the word of BOB to all. But, on one Friday (09:37 EST), Ford decided to abandon BOB – but not as openly as one would think. Instead of turning over and going to False Rob, Ford formed another church of BOB. He called his Church the `Reform Church’. He claimed that the First Church of God BOB was a product of Rob’s shrunken loins!
The Reformists still believed in BOB, but they had this skewed vision of Him that was really quite odd. Thus, an argument ensued. But, the First Church of God BOB proved to be loyal to BOB, and thus BOB chose them as the great Church that will “lead my people to a slightly lesser amount of ruin.” The Reform Church tumbled and fell, and is now never mentioned by those with BOB. Ford and the Reformists had a lack of wisdom.
And the Blessed Ones: Zosish
When the great Tower of Bobbel was struck down by the hand of BOB, and the people that were not stomped upon were spread throughout the world, the Hebo race split into twelve separate tribes. One went to Europe, waiting for America to be discovered so they could go there. Another tribe went to Belgium, and were periodically taken over by Germany. Yet another went to Africa and started a commune which eventually filmed Daktari. And all the others were lost.
Though presumed dead (i.e. dead), at least one tribe of those lost tribes survived. This is the story of that one tribe, as chronicled and kept in safety until now:
The tribe, dreadfully small, lived in pain and hardship in the deserts of Switzerland for many years. Their leader, a man called Zosish, led them as best he could…but he soon lost hope and faith. Upon losing hope and faith, he journeyed to the Mountain of Lost Hopes and Faiths and prayed unto BOB.
“Oh Great BOB, guide me on my journey. Give my people land, and water, and food, and women, and ducks, and caviar, and so on…”
And BOB came unto Zosish. “Zosish, my measly little scum-sucking cretin. I am mean and cruel but for a short while longer before my whimpering son comes to Earth and says that I am really a nice guy.”
“Pardon, Lord?” Zosish asked.
“Sorry,” BOB said, though BOB apologizes to no one, “forget it then, I’m not sorry. Anyway, I grant you a passage of luxury to the sea. Upon stepping in the sea, I shall grant you a big ship. Upon getting in that big ship, thou art to float away. Upon floating away, thou art to land. Upon landing –“
“Thanks,” Zosish interrupted, “I’ve got the idea.”
“Right then, bye,” and so, BOB vanished.
So Zosish followed the instructions, sailing until he came upon the Great Potomac River.
When he reached the Potomac, he looked upon his people. The witless fools! Ah well. Nothing for it but start a little community and leave something for the archeologists to sort out.
And so it came to pass! Zosish formed a community on the island and began his own religion of BOB: separate, yet with BOB. In their wake, the island of England was created and ruled by them for a brief time. Then, the Potomac island was known only as Eng, and the English Empire that broke off loyalty with BOB all but forgot the truth. But none of this has happened yet, and won’t happen for thousands of years. So don’t read this. Thank you, please form no lines. Hail BOB. Zosish did not lack wisdom.