The Commander
I was the third generation of my family to go to our eye doctor, Dr. Bradley. A Navy man! Old Commander Bradley! He’ll fix you right up. He worked on my grandparents, their kids, and then we hit my generation …
Category: Rants
Get in there, boy!
The question asked one happy hour was: If you could go back and give your 18 year old self one piece of advice, what would it be? Everyone had the usual answers like invest in Google or whatever. I think …
Haste Makes Waste
I learned my “haste makes waste” lesson from Catherine Tolnay, my 4th grade teacher at my Catholic grade school. And I hope she died a lonely death at the end of a hard, empty life.
The Nice Guy
There was this girl from high school who was extraordinarily beautiful. Blonde, blue eyed, tall, built like a super model. And I mean built like a super model the way you think a super model is built, not the weird …
Dead by 25
I was fool enough at a New Year’s party to ask a group of friends where, 20 years ago, they imagined they would be in 2013. Most folks had an answer, the usual stuff, and, as we went around the …
Holidays
It’s the music, right? I’ve been in a S.A.D. crash since the 20th and I blame the Peanuts Christmas soundtrack playing at top volume everywhere I go. The bar, the deli, the guy next to me on the bus, and …
Vanquishing Seasonal Depression
I’ve long suffered from seasonal depression, and written desperately about it here, but, this year, I actually feel pretty good about the holidays. Christmas is around the corner and I’m just fine. How’d I do this? Simple. I’ve spent the …
The Strokes
I read the other day that dolphins are the only other animals on earth that masturbate for pleasure. Which sort of put a whole new spin on “sailor’s best friend,” eh? There you are bobbing in the ocean as your …
The voice across the line
A couple of friends have recently told me that I need to talk about my problems. All the childhood madness, all the fears, all the things that cripple me emotionally. If I talk about these things, then they’ll have no …
Tommy the Poop Man
When I was a kid, I used to think there was a little man in my stomach who was responsible for handling all of the poop. Day after day, there he was, at the bottom of my stomach, surrounded by …