Get in there, boy!

The question asked one happy hour was: If you could go back and give your 18 year old self one piece of advice, what would it be?

Everyone had the usual answers like invest in Google or whatever. I think that’s the 40 year old in all of us talking. I think we should pause and take a look at what makes life worth living.

I would tell my 18 year old self to get snipped. Then fuck absolutely everything possible.

I’ve always been hyper-paranoid about STD’s thanks to Catholic school sex-ed, general education, and upbringing. Basically, women are fucking filthy whores and potentially responsible for every single bad thing that’s happened to the human race since day one. So implies the Church of motherfucking Rome, you heathen.

With that as the foundation we’re now going to flash pussies that look like rancid peanut butter sandwiches and cocks that look like gerbil carcasses after they fall into a sewage-infested well in front of your eyes Clockwork Orange style. This happens when you touch a woman…or even think about touching them!

Even the women in the Catholic pantheon are terrible. Mary’s a virgin..wink wink. The Magdalene is a pathetic slut who weeps a lot. Elizabeth is a crone who doesn’t really make sense. Veronica is just some chick on the street with a dirty towel and never heard of again and, most likely, completely fabricated by Constantine’s horrible slutty mother. Oh, and then there’s Eve. Who might be a vampire and serial killer. We’re not sure. We’ll let you know. But if you think about her tits…you’ll die.

The STD thing haunts me to this day but, deep down, I know it doesn’t really matter and I could probably get over it if it wasn’t for the even more terrifying fear of pregnancy.

I mean, it’s just AIDS we have to worry about, right? Everything else can be fixed…even if the cure does suck. And is herpes really that bad? A badge of shame? Maybe…but we’re all going to die of cancer, anyway. Or some motherfucker will fly a plane into our building. It’s hopeless. We’re all dead men and women walking. Embrace the herp.

Not that I want it, and I might give my 18 year old self some corollary advice to check that pussy before you dive. And rifle through her medicine cabinet. And Google her name + “she gave me herpes”. And…uh…to invest in Google.

So, anyway. One thing I could do with my 18 year old self, come to think of it, is tell him who is safe to fuck.

I look back at all the awesome fucking I could have been doing, and in many cases was absolutely sure that the bitch was clean, but couldn’t do anything because I was afraid of babies. This is the other horror of Catholicism. I think I’m anti abortion. I mean, I would never vote that way. I’m pro choice, but anti abortion. Does that make sense? I think it is a sin, but I will go to the streets if they legislate against it. That’s true church state separation there.

Even if I was facing the decision, I’d leave it up to the woman and accept her choice. But what if she wanted the baby? So would pass Nacho Sasha. The end of the good times.

So even 100% sure that she was clean, and in the full glory of sex without a condom, the only thought in my brain is…You’ll get her preeegnaaant!

So now it’s super hard for me to cum. Because cum is dirty.

So I would say to 18 year old Nacho – go get snipped. Do it now. Shoot blanks and, trust me, you’ll be fine. You’ll never want kids, and you’ll eventually land an awesome chick who doesn’t want kids, and you will fucking live happily fucking ever after. Re-fucking-lax you stupid motherfucking little cuntstain.

Jeez…now I want to punch my 18 year old self.