Boble IV: Various Kings & Other Absolute Monarchs, part one
Various Kings & Other Absolute Monarchs
Chapter One
“New King Sockit2him”
“King Number One is a tall, brown-haired man of twenty-nine. He enjoys yogurt, bathing in Jell-o, and women. His hobbies are sand collecting, infanticide, and harboring a fear of Germany. He is King of all the Hebos, and believes the stories about Catherine the Great and her stallion. Son of Dil, this king is very rich and has seventy-two palaces spread out across his grand kingdom. He’s in direct contact with BOB at all times, and is thusly rewarded with a twelve inch wang. He really hates Egyptians but says, `I’ll get it on with the Fayro’s daughter any day, woof woof!’ Lady Number One…?”
“I’ll take him home, does he have a leash?”
New King Sockit2him stood up, outraged. “Now…now…now… I’m not for sale! This is a pure outrage! Oh yeah, you all can run now, but when my guards catch up with you, you’ll be running with your chins!”
The new king rubbed his eyes, and splashed some water on his face. “Damn bastard in here every morning trying to marry me… if he weren’t family, I’d have him sewn to a camel and sent out into the desert.”
It had been a short month since Dil had been laid to rest in the flowerbed, and the kingdom was in turmoil. You see, the people of the kingdom realized that it was nearly impossible to read the entire Boble clear through. The thing just didn’t make sense unless you picked random snatches and read them while playing strange music. Of course, it’s not even halfway through yet! Tell me if that doesn’t scare you! It scares us, because we’ve all just gone insane. (In which case, it doesn’t scare us.) So we’re not scared. Just a little testy and bored. Actually, we’re having fun. No, that’s a lie too.
Anyway, a tribe of people… Hey, you know what we need? Bright colors! Something new and different…
Anyway, a tribe of people were constantly invading the land of the Hebos. King Sock could never pronounce the name of this tribe – but it sounded like Presbyterian. He knew that much.
“Guard!” Sock called (a little argyle sock. A little argyle sock…!), and a guard promptly jumped out of his argyle closet.
“Guard!” Argyle Sock called out, “Find my uncle and rape his daughters so that he stops trying to marry them to me.”
“Aye, sir!” the guard called as he left. (Surrender your tank!)
As Sock went to his throne, he pondered over what Dil had said: `The bitch really got me that time…oww.’ Sock had created a new kingdom on these words, and the phrase became a well-known adjective with the peasants; an example follows:
“Hello Ahab the Not An A-rab.”
“Morning, Tom the Too Jew.”
“Very humourous. I’d like a pound of milk and a quart of cheese.”
“That’ll be twenty-nine dollars.”
“Holy Smokes, that’s a thebitchreallygotmethattimeoww!”
“Well…inflation.”
Sock had also installed the name `BOB’ in all forms of speech. BOB was a noun, adjective, pronoun, conjunction, adverb, and verb. An example follows:
“Hello Ahab BOB not BOB A-rab.”
“BOB, Tom BOB Too BOB.”
“BOB BOBrous. I’BOB like BOB pound of BOB, BOB a quart of BOB.”
“That’ll BOB twenty-BOB BOB.”
“Holy BOBs! That’s BOB theBOBreallyBOBBOBthattimeBOB!”
“BOB…InflaBOB.”
Despite screwing up spoken language, Sock was really a very wise person. Sock rose to ultimate power (and he built some old temple). He also had some chief officers, as listed:
Aztec, son of Inca: Priest
Jimmy BOB, BOB of BOB: Language BOB and BOB on TuesBOBs.
Shat: Chancellor
Snorkel Snarf Snarf Snoridian: Person with funny name to tease
Coach Bill: The Man With The Soda Machine Key
Jack MLXIV: Sunglass maker
Candied Violet: Stripper
The Butch: The stripper you don’t take home to mom.
Zorro The Hot Spaniard: Pimp/Male Prostitute
Bill Smith: A Guy To Throw Stones At
Anyway, the temple was built. This was considered a great temple, and everyone loved it. Yay! The temple was dedicated to BOB, and all was fine until Sock…
Chapter Two
“The Other Kings”
…died. Next, King Abijibibibhib took over. He reigned for two days before he exploded. The next reign was that of King Redridinghood. He was looked upon disfavourably because he was a fornicator with other kings. Next, King Abijammindude took over, and he reigned for a long time before his bicycle seat fell off and he was impaled. Then King Asiaticlandwar took power, but someone found out that he was a North Korean spy and he was sealed into the dining table. Alive. His slant-eyed yellow face a mask of horror at every meal. Then King Nibib took power, but he was proven to be a woman. Then King Baaaassssshhhhaaaa took over, but his name was too long to fit on the crown. King Elam was next; he was a madman who killed the other kings after he died.