Boble V: Chronicles of Scary Things in Your Future, part one
Chronicles of Scary Things in Your Future and the Book of Jobless see the appearance of Binaca, Bob’s new right-hand redheaded angel-minx (and one of the authors of the Bob Jr. Scheme leading into the New Testicle), and has the first mention of the Blood Mistress Kraal.
When I went back and put in the Bob Heavens narrative throughout the last half of the Old Testicle, the problem I had was that the Bob of the first half of the Old Testicle wasn’t really there. Just a very long, very silly gag. Bob’s characterization changed, Binaca showed up as a sort of balance to Bob’s extreme misogyny, and, eventually, the Blood Mistress Kraal shows up. The Blood Mistress is the actual creator of humanity, and our God, but Bob stole the crown from her when he skipped town.
It was much more fun to write in the Blood Mistress as an enemy, of sorts, instead of False Rob. But False Rob was popular with my very tiny fanbase. And since my very tiny fanbase had disposable income, False Rob stayed on. The Book of Jobless, cobbled together in 1990-91, is a sort of reward for the False Rob enthusiasts, since he’s largely absent after the Tower of Bobbel.
Again, the “interludes” in the next two books of the Boble were added in 97.
Chronicles of Scary
Things in Your Future
Chapter One
From Dick to Abrahamilton
Okay, caught your breath? Look, if you didn’t take a break earlier, now is your chance. Go get some more booze, mix up a drink, grab a Twinkie and roll on back into the room. Here we go — another book of the Boble.
Genealogy in the Boble is a headache for translator and reader alike. We know the basic set up, and you can peruse the last few books to further acquaint yourself. Now, the original texts of the Boble have 159 pages focused on tracing the Boble family tree. We’ve decided to omit all of it. Yes, you’re welcome.
Chapter Two
The Taking of Heboland (A Brief History Supplement)
or
Bobological Revisionist History
Dil had been anointed by BOB and the people of Heboland. His was the new regime, ready to move on to glorious heights. Yet, the Hebos had to reclaim their homeland. Though they were originally from a small suburb outside Lemuria, they felt that their native homeland was the land of Creebis. Of course, their people had been in the area for thousands of years, so one could argue against the claim. Also, Lemuria had sunk into the ocean and, possibly, didn’t even exist. Who the fuck knows what was going on 10,000 years ago, anyway? So how did they originally get to Creebis? What brought them to this area of the world? Why did INXS seem like such a good band in the 80’s but could never duplicate their sound ten years later? It all began with the Great Migration of Blood, back when the ancient pagan tribes worshipped the false goddess Kraal, the evil blood-mistress of violence and sex. The pagan tribes, apparently, drifted naturally from a belief in Kraal to their current Bobist philosophy. This change in deities is perfectly natural, of course. BOB, as always, seeks out exciting evenings with evil blood-mistresses of violence and sex. Who wouldn’t? So, after a while, the pagan tribes decided to follow the guy who was dating their blood goddess because, well, honestly, he didn’t ask for every second male infant to be burnt on a pyre. Some would argue that the blood goddess Kraal’s fear of men was a little over the top, round the bend, off the level, and fucked up.
Anyway, once the Hebo tribes pulled their sorry, pagan selves together and began farming, electing government officials, and stressing the importance of consumerism (capitalist industrial encirclement) the faith of BOB started to make more and more sense. BOB was always a laissez-faire deity, which is the best type of god to have. No holidays, no sacrifices, no requirements. Trickle down grace.
But the truth of BOB’s takeover is far more sinister. We should take a moment to tell you that the whole Dick and Candi thing is a metaphor. While BOB wants you to believe they were the first actual Humans, the truth is that they were two representatives of the naïve pagan tribes, kidnapped and moved 1000 miles from home where they would be quietly brainwashed into the great faith of BOB. All of Humanity afterwards would be judged by these two prototypes. Too bad they fucked up, eh?
The rest, of course, is history. But the texts skirt over the actual acquisition of the Holy Land, since the original migration took place under the rule of the blood mistress. Since the arrival of the pagan tribes and their adoption of all things BOB, the Holy Land had been gained and lost repeatedly throughout the centuries – its importance based on a simple principle. Creebis was the nicest spot in the whole desert. The Hebos, through no fault of their own, had fallen into a vicious cycle of slavery, persecution and depression. Creebis was also inhabited by the Flipizines, you see. Previously, they were a separate pagan tribe that ran madly through the desert eating dirt and raping unwary sand monkeys but, with the coming of the Hebo peoples, they had to change their plan. It was not until Dil’s reign when the Hebos finally, firmly established themselves as a serious nation. The only problem was kicking the heathens out of Heboland (nee Creebis). So the Hebo’s went unto Dil, shortly upon his ascension to the throne, and begged him to lead them into glory.
Dil, political in his youth, approached a representative of the blue-painted heathens native to Creebis and attempted to work out a deal.
“I wish to bring my people to your land,” Dil said.
The pagan representative sat back in his chair (made out of human bone and skin), “Your people have been here for several thousand years. You’ve been a thorn in our side since forever. You may not enter these lands, you are not welcome. Our people have lived here since the world was a seed.”
“A seed?” Dil shook his head and walked out of the chamber, returning to his people. That night, he prayed long and hard to BOB.
“Oh BOB, these pagans do not cooperate with thy will.”
And BOB replied, “What pagans? Who are you? How did you get this number…?”
So, based on the word of BOB, Dil led his people into Heboland despite the pagans’ request. He took over the Creebis Exchange Building (Central Docking District stroke B slash T #176542). The lands were still filled with pagans, and that’s when Dil turned to his noble servant Chico who, unfortunately, was wanted in 37 States for rape, murder, grand larceny, armed robbery, sodomy and wearing hats in the First Welsh Baptist Church of Frostburg, MD.
“Rid these lands,” Dil said unto Chico, “of the pagan heathens. Then I shall give you a made up title.”
So Chico set out and exterminated every pagan with brutal Spanish fury.
Dil then surrounded himself with powerful chiefs and he began to rule Heboland with an iron fist. He created a secret police force, responsible for “curing” all thought crimes against Dil. Then Dil began the ritual genocide of all impure Hebos. The crippled, the insane, and the cum-gargling male senators were all taken away to distant lands where they were “relocated” into mass graves. Once this had been achieved, Dil strengthened his grip. He enjoyed the company of women and was very studly. Everyone loved him to little bits. They had to.
Then Dil set about creating a place for the Holy Satchel which held the coconuts upon which the Sixteen and a Half Commandments were written. His dream was to build a great temple, and now it seemed that such a dream would come to pass. So Dil set out to Etho-sho-demo’s house to pick up the Holy Satchel. With him he brought musicians, movie stars, and an entire entourage of celebrities and political appointees. The Hebos followed in droves, gawking at the parade of famous people heading for the Holy Satchel. All of the press was there – it was as if everything in the world had stopped, and only this single holy event was taking place. Dil led this event with such glory, such beauty, that the cameras trained on him whenever possible. This was the greatest moment for all of the Hebos.
Dil approached the Satchel-keeper, a matronly woman installed powerfully behind a high desk. Without looking up, she said: “What can I do for you?”
“I am Dil, king of the Hebos.” Dil proclaimed.
“Yes, of course. What can I do for you?”
Dil smiled largely and spread his arms, turning to the cameras and the crowd behind him, then looking back at the Satchel-keeper. “I have come to take the Holy Satchel to a place of worship, where it shall be installed on the throne of BOB and exist as the – “
The Satchel-Keeper interrupted, “Do you have Form B Slash 7?”
“What?”
The Satchel-keeper looked over the rim of her glasses with steel-grey eyes. “Form B. Slash 7.”
Dil looked around, “I…uh… Look, I’m the king of the Hebos.”
“Mmm-hmm, but without Form B Slash 7, the Satchel isn’t going anywhere.”
“This is absurd!” Dil shouted, “We’re going to build a huge temple for the Satchel where it will – “
“Oh,” the Satchel-keeper muttered, “We don’t get government funding for a year then, all of a sudden, you have the money to build a temple. And what happens to us? Out on the street selling pickles? I don’t think so. Get yourself a Form B Slash 7. And that’s only a temporary lease.” The Satchel-keeper spat her last words, standing up and glaring down at Dil.
“Ah…” Dil looked awkward, “Where is…uh…the form?”
“B Slash 7?”
“Yes, yes!”
“Here,” the Satchel-keeper handed Dil a piece of paper. “This is Form A Dash 11. You need to fill this form out to get on the B Slash 7 waiting list.”
“Waiting list?”
“Look, these are the 16 and a half Commandments. This is the word of BOB, here. That’s not just for the self-appointed King of the Hebos, you know.”
Dil grumbled and began filling in the form.