Cult Culture: Ape Law! (Planet of the Apes: The Series)
{mosimage}Paramount
recently released the box set DVD’s which I clutch to my chest every night when
I go to sleep.
Planet of the Apes? Ain’t that the Marky Mark movie? Listen, monkeypants, it’s
a franchise to beat all the others. Pierre Boulle writing, he was a post-war
French freakout author who brought us Bridge on the River Kwai, among
other blockbuster novels. The original story is about a spaceman who crashes on
the Planet of the Apes, gets some pussy, then returns to Earth with pussy in
tow…only to discover that, in his absence, hundreds of years have passed and
the Earth has been taken over by…da-da-dum! Apes! End of book, good night,
please do not visit the 1950’s again.
What a cool idea. Let’s get Charlton Heston (because he’s in his sci-fi phase)
and make a movie about it. A movie that isn’t at all like the book because,
honestly, who cares about the Frogs? Let’s make it a parable about nuclear war
and the social divisions present in the 60’s. Let’s make it an anti Vietnam movie!
Rock on.
The 1968 Planet of the Apes is a classic. I don’t want to hear anyone
say any differently. Out of that glorious creature of sci-fi came a rasher of
sequels – Beneath, Escape From, Conquest of and Battle for the Planet of the Apes. There was
a cartoon series in the mid-70’s that ran for one year, put together by the man
who created the original Johnny Quest. There were a series of pulpy novels to
help pass the time between 42nd
Street station and…the nuclear apocalypse!
Then, of course, there was the TV show. Fourteen episodes, a little over half a
season, running in the year of my birth – violin please — 1974. That places it
right after the fifth and final ape film. The TV series, however, is set
roughly a decade after Beneath the Planet of the Apes (the second film).
That’s odd since everybody dies and the entire Earth is destroyed at the end of
that movie. Equally odd is that Dr. Zaius and Urko talk about the events in the
first two movies, but our stranded astronauts don’t know about Charlton Heston
and James Franciscus, even though their ship launched only a few years after
Heston’s ship and the rescue mission was launched. Oh, and… Wait! Nevermind!
I’m sure it all makes sense in the end! Tra-la-la!
Roddy McDowell plays two-bit ape politician Galen (Cornelius and Zera are,
mysteriously, absent), Ron Harper and James Naughton play the two unfortunate
astronauts (you’ve seen them in bit parts all over the place). Booth Colman and
Star Trek’s Mark Lenard take on the roles of Dr. Zaius and the militant Urko
from the first two films.
{mosimage}Harper and Naughton crash on Earth circa 3085 AD. By some miracle, their ship
survives a crash landing in the San Francisco Bay Area and they’re none the
worse for wear. In the franchise’s greatest “Oh my God, this is home!” moment
Harper and Naughton are rescued by a lunatic forest dweller and, while idly
paging through his “picture books” find a photo of New York – 2150. Oh, dude!
Dude, what’s this, man?! Dude!
Harper, the commanding officer, decides to retrieve the magneto mini super
duper disk from their spaceship which recorded the entire flight. He figures
that if he can find a computer and replay the tape, they’ll be able to sort out
how to get back to their own time (that’s an oh so futuristic 1980).
Right, the apes are the top of the food chain and the masters of the world…and
they live in clay huts and fire single shot rifles. So, a computer? Even the
insane forest dweller goes “Hmmm…”
In a rare television moment, the writers show solidarity with the viewing
audience by having all the main characters admit that the computer quest is
insane. But, explains Harper, we gotta do something. I mean, apes, man. Come
on. Let’s at least head west and look for guns and women. The computer quest
does become the driving force behind the series…and an excellent excuse to go
mucking about in the blasted ruins of Oakland
and other cities.
{mosimage}Like in the novel, but unlike in the original films, the humans live under the
apes as serfs, only dimly aware of their potential in an ape world modeled
roughly after the Roman Empire. The old rules apply – Mankind destroyed the
world and they’ll destroy us as well if we give them an inch. Education,
history, culture and medicine are denied. Dr. Zaius knows the drill and he damn
well isn’t going to have another Charlton Heston running loose, so he sends
Urko out to pursue our heroes. This gives us the chance to get deeply into the
Urko character over the 14 episode run – motivations, fears, desires. Even
better than that, we get a healthy scoop of how the ape society and military
function. The movies lead us to believe there’s a whole world of apes, but we
only ever see Ape
City and, apparently,
they aren’t allowed to be seen in groups of more than four. In the TV series,
it really is a world of Apes. No way out, friends… So Harper’s kooky plan to
find a computer starts to sound like a really good option, what with the ape
special forces breathing down your neck and nowhere to run.
Top off the story arc with the actual discovery of a computer and the hint of
surviving technologically evolved humans (we met them in Beneath the Planet
of the Apes) and you’re aces when it comes to storylines. Harper finds his
computer only to have it destroyed by Zaius and Urko at the last minute… But
our heroes get a big clue – the techie humans, whether or not they still
survive, left a repository of all of Mankind’s knowledge and power in eight
computer systems spread throughout the United States. Urko and Zaius blew up
one…seven more to go. And Dr. Zaius knows it, too. The race is on and the
mission changes – find the other vaults before Zaius does and bring the
knowledge of the past to the humans living under the yoke of ape tyranny.
Sounds great, eh? Too bad, the show was cancelled shortly after the discovery
of the first vault. Why was it cancelled? Because instead of focusing on the
storyline I’ve just outlined, most of the episodes involved running through the
woods, getting in trouble, hiding from Urko and helping a family of downtrodden
humans Kung Fu/Incredible Hulk style. For every one episode that advanced the
main plot, we got four episodes of bungling, poorly written mayhem. Oh, no! Ron
Harper took a bullet! We have to convince Roddy McDowell’s former love interest
and a human woman branded as a witch to perform a – gasp! – blood transfusion.
Impossible! No, it’s not! Yes, it is! No, it’s not! It’s never been done! Yes,
it has! (break for commercial) No, it hasn’t! Yes, it has!
Honestly, though, you just can’t throw this series in the toilet. The makeup is
amazing (for 1974) and the undeveloped main storyline is so brilliant it makes
my socks roll up and down. High production values, campy sci-fi,
stupid humans, a wonderful title sequence and Ape Law Number 387: The wily
humans from the future will escape from every prison you put them in. You really
can’t go wrong. If you love the films, if you love cheap sci-fi, then this
series is ahead of it’s time and about 500 miles ahead of Tim Burton’s shameful
remake of the original film.
The look and sound of the disks is lovingly cleaned up, so you don’t have to
put up with that weird 70’s television sound and feel. There are no extras,
which is annoying…but McDowell is dead and I can’t imagine Harper and Naughton
want to own up to this moment in their careers. For a series like this, just
getting it in a box set is thrilling enough…no need for some old fool to try
and explain what the hell they were thinking when they made some of the lamest
journeyman episodes on TV.
{mosimage}Here’s your episode list:
Escape From Tomorrow: Earth: 3085! Dude!
The Gladiators: You’re captured by a child-loving prefect who likes to
see blood, do you fight or do you convince everyone that fighting is bad?
The Trap: Buried alive in the San
Francisco subway with your arch-nemesis? No problem,
we can become friends by working together! Yes, yes I see… SHOOT THEM!!
The Good Seeds: Don’t worry, peasants won’t get in trouble for harboring
fugitives. We just need to stay a few days… You don’t need to see our passes.
These are not the droids you are looking for.
The Legacy: The discovery of the first vault! It’s a rockin’ episode. I
am speaking from the past…you can find guns, grenades, supplies and nuclear
weapons in the room to your left. Good luck!
Tomorrow’s Tide: Behold, the shark is the god of the sea. Behold, god
likes to eat human slaves!
The Surgeon: Oh, Ron Harper got shot. Bummer!
The Deception: Humans are bad! Let’s form a secret society and lynch
them! But love transcends all bounds! Can an ape love a human? No, daughter,
you must not say such things…
The Horse Race: Urko takes a holiday… Woops, those crazy clowns from the
future are staying at the same hotel!
The Interrogation: Gotcha! I’ve been studying these Human books on how
to rape young children and hurt everyone you love. Let’s see what I can do.
The Tyrant: Nobody likes the grain tax! Down with the grain tax! Ah,
yes, I see…very good, very good… SHOOT THEM!!
The Cure: The famous “invisible mosquitoes” episode. Unintentional comic
brilliance that’ll make your drunken marijuana evening 100 times better.
The Liberator: Never shown on TV! The lost episode! It’s like a weird
Stargate episode.
Up Above The World So High: The final episode pits the discovery of
flight against an evil ape scientist and ends the series with our heroes adrift
in the San Francisco Bay, joking about the water.
Nacho’s Drunken New Year’s Rating: Dear God! Did I just watch 14 hours of
70’s sci-fi and really get off on it? I’ll never know the touch of woman again!
SHOOT THEM!!