Archive Saturday: Weather Shorts Collection
You know it — Archive Saturday. Old stuff from 2001. I’ve been drunk for years.Washington Ravaged By Thunderstorms
by nacho
Elizabeth Washington, 22, was ravaged by thunderstorms last night. A
clerk at IGA, Washington was jogging along the Green Mile Parkway up
along the Four-Lane at approximately 8:15pm last night when she was
seized by thunderstorms and ravaged repeatedly.
Washington is in stable condition at Grace City Memorial today. Her father, Ira Washington, spoke with reporters earlier.
“We know who this was, we know where it happened. We will be seeking justice for our daughter.”
There are no suspects in custody.
The Green Mile Parkway is a notorious spot for thunderstorm strikes.
Sheriff Marshall issued a warning to young women earlier today. “Please
keep an eye out for signs of danger. Especially during the summer
months, it can be hard to make predictions. Keep an eye open and head
for cover at the first sign of trouble.”
Washington’s brutal attack follows two other attacks earlier this
season. Both victims were young women. In May, an early thunderstorm
attack proved near fatal for a 17 year old youth.
Pastor James McCay spoke out shortly after the press conference held by Washington’s father.
“She was a girl of sin! This is a compassionate town, these things
don’t happen. God punishes the promiscuous. God punishes those who do
not treat their bodies as His temple. Elizabeth Washington was a sinful
woman. She fraternized with boys, she consumed alcohol and she was
rumored to have smoked marijuana at least once. ”
Washington’s parents had no comment to McCay’s allegations, but they
have asked that the thunderstorms be banned from Saturday’s Homecoming
game.
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Tornadoes Tear up Roofs, Trees Near Dallas
by nacho
In an ongoing rampage after last Thursday’s Battlin’ Bats game, the Tornadoes flooded into Carrollton, a suburb of Dallas.
“Damage on this scale hasn’t been seen all season,” Bats manager Toby McIntire said.
The Tornadoes touched down Thursday afternoon in Carrollton, as an
upper level disturbance spawned severe disagreements between them and
the local authorities. They left a damage swath that was 100 to 150
feet wide and about 1.5 miles long, according to Sheriff Tom Parker.
Sheriff’s deputies sent to the affected neighborhoods rated most of the
damage as F0, with spotty occurrences of F1. The Tornadoes damaged the
roofs of several homes and a church located near McCoy Elementary
School. They also brought down fences, trees and limbs in the area. No
damage to the school was reported, but negotiators have been unable to
talk an unidentified Tornado down from the auditorium catwalks.
The Tornadoes touched down about an hour later east of Fisco, which is
located north of Carrollton. Damage was reported to at least two homes.
And Pastor Jim Davisson’s 16 year old daughter, who has had previous
problems with drugs, is now missing and presumed lost.
“She was a wild girl,” Pastor Davisson remarked, “She called the devil
and he came down to take her. She is truly a lost child.” Pastor
Davisson will be auctioning off three autographed Britney Spears CD’s
on ebay.
The upper level disturbance responsible for the Tornadoes is heading
out of Texas, Sergeant Mark Russell of the Texas State Police warned.
He says the tail end of the disturbance is still lingering over the
state, and could produce some spotty incidents later on.
“This is a sign of a deeper social problem,” Sergeant Russell stated.
“Right now, the focus seems to be over the Missouri River Valley. But
tomorrow, it could be in your homes!”
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Typhoon Lekima Smacks South Taiwan
by nacho
Taipei, Taiwan — Sexy rap artist, Typhoon Lekima, wasn’t as much a hit in Taiwan as her managers had hoped.
Hailing from Greeneville, NC, Lekima LaChanda Johnson has been a minor
sensation with what she calls “interpretive urban poetry.” Performing
as Typhoon Lekima, she was invited to sing for a benefit concert in
Southern Taiwan. Typhoon Lekima’s fringe style whipped southern Taiwan
on Wednesday and began raining down. Critics feared the performance
would disappoint farmers worried about a new round of deadly floods and
landslides.
Many Taiwanese live or farm on mountain slopes that are prone to mudslides when soaked, reported concert officials.
Much of the concern, on the part of concert officials and fans alike,
was focused on the amplification equipment. According to Lekima, “the
voice of the few will be heard by all.”
Mud and boulders have already started tumbling down mountainsides and
covering roads in Hualien and Ilan counties on Taiwan’s eastern coast.
Lekima’s manager, “Jumpin” Bud Parkinson insists that this has nothing
to do with the questionable volume of Lekima’s concerts.
Residents in northern Taiwan, however, have filled more than 20,000
sandbags in preparation for Lekima’s Friday night “Southern Lights”
concert special.
Lekima, who plans to tour the entire island, began whirling out of
southern Taiwan on Wednesday, moving at 74 MPH when the roads were
clear.
Hundreds of fishermen have strapped down their boats in Taiwanese
harbors, partly to cut down on theft while attending Lekima’s concert
but also out of concern after a Chinese freighter, carrying extra
amplifiers for Lekima’s performance, sank on Wednesday.
Eight crew members were rescued and are now being held by Taiwanese
secret police, their screams drowned out by Lekima’s gritty hip-hop
tunes.
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Rain Blamed in Rash of Accidents
by nacho
18-year-old Vanessa Rain has been taken into custody by the Mount
Vernon Sheriff Department. She is charged with causing a rash of
accidents, one of which resulted in the fatality of a 43-year-old man.
Martin Daniels, of Anacortes, Wash., died when his pickup crossed the
median of Interstate 5 and collided with a tractor-trailer rig Tuesday
afternoon. The accident happened between Everett and Mount Vernon,
located north of Seattle. Vanessa Rain was later found on the scene,
holding the steering wheel of Mr. Davis’ car in her hands and
attempting to get into position before the automatic timer on her
camera cycled to zero.
The truck driver, 29-year-old Steven Jackson, claimed that he “felt a
little bump a few miles back.” Then, surprisingly, he tore off his
pants, leapt onto the table and began hooting and scratching himself,
saying that he was the missing link and the government should mate him
with a woman of his choice. He was taken to a hospital for observation.
Earlier in the day, nine people ranging in age from 18 months to 60
years, all gathered to watch the WWF “six-car pileup” which aired at 11
am.
About five hours later, in the same area, a semi jackknifed and leaked
diesel onto some surface streets in Mountlake Terrace. Residents said
they all felt “high” which would have been fine if they weren’t also
“nauseous.” Ramps to and from the southbound lanes of I-5 were closed
into the evening for dancing and games.
Following a separate two-car crash, one person was treated at a
hospital in Mount Vernon and released on his own recognizance. The
subsequent death of Jill Taylor has been blamed on this one individual,
who signed into the hospital as “Joe Insurance.” He is 6-foot tall,
white, brown hair and has the ability to adopt any form he wishes for
the purposes of swift and alien murder. If you have information, please
call the Mount Vernon sheriff’s office.
Vanessa Rain’s role in these incidents is, at the moment, unclear. She
has claimed that she grew a quarter inch yesterday and more is yet to
come. She says things will get worse unless the Snowy Owl is given
equal human rights or, at least, a “safe tree zone.” The snowy owl is
the mascot for the Mount Vernon High School, of which Rain is an
alumnus. In her senior year, Rain was responsible for the care and
feeding of “Mr. Whitey” the Owl. This involved clipping his wings,
blinding him and tying a barbed leash around his neck so he wouldn’t
fly away during football games.
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Big Chill Midwest to East Coast
by nacho
Midwest
In the wake of massive thunderstorms, pressure from Canada and ongoing
“windal frontage” reported by the McPherson-Cornhusker Weather Station
in Nebraska, many Midwesterners are staying indoors and watching the
seminal thirty-something film from 1983, “The Big Chill.” The film has
grown in popularity in recent years as it tells the story of ex
college-radicals who have conformed to society and adopted comfortable
lives, much like 99% of America’s Midwesterners. Many feel that this is
a great film about friendship, coming together and discovering your
inner self.
Northeast
The Northeast says, “Give us a fucking break!” There is no doubt, in
their opinion, that Kasdan stole the script for the Big Chill from John
Sayles. Further, this is a generally accepted theory. It’s not some
fringe idea coming out of pretentious film nuts from Boston. Sayles put
out “The Return of the Secaucus 7” in 1980 on a shoestring budget with
unknown actors. The only thing different is that the Big Chill had
about an oodle more money and Kevin Costner playing a dead body.
Actually, that alone makes the Big Chill worth it. Everyone in the
Northeast wants Costner to die on film, like Seagal in that airplane
movie. He went direct to video after that, didn’t he? Shit, maybe
Travolta will die on film someday. If there’s one person that needs to
be direct to video, it’s Travolta.
South
Most people in the South are enormous fans of the “Big Black Cock Attack” video series.
Tape one features: Black on black, everything goes! Also includes some white bitches.
Tape two features: Sloppy whores who treat their man right and inter-racial clam bumping.
Tape five features: Black brothers having sick sex with sista and some blonde bitch. Got ass and face!
The series is a favored alternative to the “Big Black Dicks” series
released in 1997. However, a strong contingent from Texas insists that
the up and coming “Big Black Mo-Fo’s” series has more artistic value.
The latest installment contains raw, jangling balls-to-the-wall oreo
sex. The brothers are back in episode five wielding their mighty,
muther-fuckin’ cum-loaded nightsticks on any and every ho and bitch
aching for the right stuff.
West
Uh… A quick moving frontal system will bring rain to western
Washington. Snow can also be expected in the mountains from the
Northwest to western Montana to northern California on Saturday. The
rest of the region will enjoy above average temperatures.