A Friday Afternoon Attack on Some Girl I Don’t Know (and her bosses)

I can be found, quite often, defending DC. Born and raised, so you can’t blame me. But, sometimes, it can be a little difficult. I point a finger now at the Washington City Paper, our alleged “alternative” weekly written by ultra-snooty white suburbanites who can’t quite spell DC.

Now, I know, a free paper. What do you expect? I expect some fucking on the edge shit that either takes into account the problems of poor DC and/or manages to entertain in some minor way.

So when you start off hating something, you should probably never subscribe to their blog. Today, this came across the magical face of my Google Reader. In which brain-dead Ruth Samuelson asks if DC has ever hosted a political convention. Someone hit her with Wikipedia in the comments section right away, so I do have hope in my fellow Washingtonian. Because a one second search would have provided these here results. Yee-haw.

But the City Paper writers don’t have to concern themselves with actually, you know, looking up facts that are readily available to their reading public. It’s all the art of pseudo-journalism. The question is the hook for that particular drunken blog entry. I know what Samuelson’s trying to do. It’s a classic example of writing that I haven’t seen since, oh, my high school newspaper. Which is about where we’re at with the City Paper these days. Is there enough parking for seniors? No! Because…like…totally not.

By the way, I love this comment of hers:

…we already have a massive convention center. And a good transportation system. And plenty of hotels. I think we’re good to go.

My dear Ruth, we have a shit transportation system that’s so poorly planned I sometimes wonder if I’m responsible. Did I actually spearhead the initial Washington Metro designs while travelling through time and drinking absolutely anything anyone handed me for days on end? Perhaps topping off the final shot (if you can say such a thing when filtering Sterno through a gym sock) with a little bit of crack. Nacho Sasha’s single track plan is a winner! Nacho Sasha’s inability to imagine or plan for a population larger than 400,000 is amazing! Nacho Sasha’s idea to dig a massive network of tunnels and not motherfucking waterproof them blows my mind! Now get back to pumping. No, I don’t care if there’s a train engulfed in flames hurtling towards you. We only lose a handful of track workers a year, so we’re fine.