{"id":93,"date":"2008-05-22T13:30:20","date_gmt":"2008-05-22T18:30:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=93"},"modified":"2018-10-31T12:48:01","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T16:48:01","slug":"dog-power","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=93","title":{"rendered":"Dog Power"},"content":{"rendered":"

For the past ten years or so, I\u2019ve been figuring out a way to comfortably go off the grid. <\/span>Not in the modern Green Earth sense, but in the bug the fuck out sense. <\/span>Cut up my credit cards, report myself as deceased, and go live in a lean-to in the woods. <\/span>My only source of food: <\/span>Unleashed dogs that accompany joggers.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Their snooty, rich owners will be jogging along some trail (possible lean-to locations are anywhere along the C&O<\/st1> Canal<\/st1> towpath or the 150 mile Western Maryland<\/st1> Rails-to-Trails footpath) while they (the dogs) go snuffling around in the woods. <\/span>I\u2019d appear out of the brush all Rambo<\/em> style, grab the dog, snap its neck, then vanish into the wild.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d collect rainwater for drinking and bathing because rainwater comes from heaven and God would want me to have it and Jesus says I should fly a plane into the White House. <\/span><\/p>\n

I know there\u2019s no way to live without money, so I\u2019d have to wash dishes at some local pub in a small town somewhere. <\/span>I\u2019ll be back there with my big, lice-ridden beard, and greasy clothes made from dog skins, and wash all the beer glasses. <\/span>The owner, a right-wing nutjob who runs the local offshoot of some Klan-like organization, will pay me in cash and invite me into his home, because it\u2019s a Christian thing to do. <\/span>Then his 14 year old daughter would fall in love with me and I\u2019d fuck her silly. <\/span>But only after I pull down the carved out dog\u2019s head over my face.<\/p>\n

Then the owner will walk in on us. <\/span>This huge, filthy dishwasher in a fluttering cloak of fur made from dozens of tiny lapdogs anally abusing his underaged daughter. <\/span>He\u2019d make a move but, with the magic dog head encasing my own head, I\u2019d summon the spirits of the dogs I had eaten (I always eat their hearts immediately after I catch them). <\/span>I\u2019d go:<\/p>\n

\u201cYIPPY LAPDOG POWER!\u201d<\/p>\n

And the heavens would open and all the yippy dog spirits would fill me so I\u2019d become a roaring, powerful dog man and kill him.<\/p>\n

Then I would marry his 14 year old daughter (whose name is Cynthia), assume his identity, take over his bar, and become a charming poet.<\/p>\n

Or, at least, that\u2019s how my plan goes. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m probably going to start with my neighbor\u2019s new dog.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For the past ten years or so, I\u2019ve been figuring out a way to comfortably go off the grid. Not in the modern Green Earth sense, but in the bug the fuck out sense. Cut up my credit cards, report …<\/p>\n

Dog Power<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[230],"class_list":["post-93","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants","tag-off-the-grid"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/93","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=93"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/93\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1155,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/93\/revisions\/1155"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=93"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=93"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=93"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}