{"id":83,"date":"2008-05-09T08:24:29","date_gmt":"2008-05-09T13:24:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=83"},"modified":"2018-10-31T12:46:32","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T16:46:32","slug":"presents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=83","title":{"rendered":"Presents"},"content":{"rendered":"

Well, Saturday is my 34th<\/sup> birthday. <\/span>I tried to round up some old birthday articles in the archives, but only found a post for my 32nd<\/sup> birthday<\/a> and one for the 31st<\/sup><\/a>. <\/span>I had brain surgery right before my 33rd<\/sup> birthday, so I didn\u2019t bother to write anything special. <\/span><\/p>\n

I have no idea what those two articles are about because I never re-read my work. <\/span>I horrify me.<\/p>\n


\nI\u2019ve never liked my birthdays, but I do still observe them. <\/span>This year, I took off the two days here before the 10th<\/sup> with big plans! <\/span>I even made a list. <\/span>For Thursday: <\/span>Groceries, potting soil, rum, vodka, Alavert. <\/span>Repot plants, clean apartment, organize finances, drink.\n<\/p>\n

Friday is going to be a little different. <\/span>On the list: <\/span>Drink on the balcony and expose myself to children.<\/p>\n

Saturday, the big day, starts with the traditional Sci Fi freakout<\/a>, then mimosas at 9am. <\/span>I bought some weird fruity shit today, and stole two cases of champagne from my weekend job. <\/span>Though that was a week ago, so now I\u2019m down to three bottles. <\/span>I\u2019ll then move into this fancy wine I stole. <\/span><\/p>\n

My good friend Lonnie will be joining me with his impossibly lovely wife. <\/span>And some feral dog they pulled out of the sewer. <\/span>We\u2019re all going to sit around and drink far too much and watch some trashy sci-fi. <\/span>What\u2019s on tap? <\/span>The original V<\/em> miniseries and the slightly flawed follow-up \u2013 The Final Battle<\/em>.<\/p>\n

I have to insert this comment somewhere: Lonnie\u2019s making a movie, which you should all check out. <\/span>Here\u2019s his production blog. <\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

I\u2019m constantly nagging people to go to my Amazon wishlist<\/a> and buy shit for me, because I\u2019m greatly comforted by material acquisition. <\/span>And it\u2019ll save me money because, once a month or so, I go insane and buy things for myself.<\/p>\n

I come from a small family that\u2019s far too dysfunctional for gift giving. <\/span>My grandmother was the only one who really understood that it was cool to buy a book or a movie or something and wrap it up. <\/span>She\u2019s gone, now, so that\u2019s that.<\/p>\n

My grandfather\u2019s idea of a gift is to show up at my apartment around midnight, unannounced, with a case of beer and a woman\u2026and then tell me to get lost.<\/p>\n

That\u2019d be funny if the woman was 20, right? <\/span>They aren\u2019t, though. <\/span>He picks up these weird blue hairs in their 80\u2019s. <\/span>Giggling and sucking down booze. <\/span>Hey, kid, go see a movie while we use your bed!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s one in the morning!<\/p>\n

My uncle operates under the thinking that if I hate my birthdays, then I also hate presents. <\/span>Does that make sense? <\/span>Who hates presents? <\/span>Everyone likes presents. <\/span>Dogs and cats like presents.<\/p>\n

His sister, my crazy aunt, and her deeply dysfunctional daughter, give the gift of not calling me. <\/span>That\u2019s taken years of ignoring the phone and the door and the mail to earn, by the way. <\/span><\/p>\n

And that\u2019s it for the family. <\/span>We have a huge number of West Virginia<\/st1> and <\/st1>Tennessee<\/st1> cousins, but we don\u2019t talk about them. <\/span><\/p>\n

This means it falls to my ever-suffering friends to fill the gift giving gap. <\/span>They already painstakingly take time out of their schedules to drive all the way to the upper suburbs, sit in an uncomfortable chair, and watch me drink in moody silence. But that\u2019s not enough for me. <\/span>So I send them repeated notes about my wishlist, and occasionally show up at their front door in the wee hours with an 80 year old hooker hanging off my arm.<\/p>\n

Oh, okay, I don\u2019t do that. <\/span>Not yet. <\/span>But I\u2019m keeping a list of things I want to do when I turn 80 that are fucking out of this world insane. <\/span>My grandfather is the primary inspiration, of course. <\/span>I have a far flung cousin in <\/st1>Albuquerque<\/st1>, and my grandfather flew out there the other week on a whim and called from the airport. <\/span>Hey! <\/span>How are you? <\/span>So\u2026I\u2019m at the airport. <\/span>Need a ride. <\/span>Might be the last you see me because I\u2019m an ooold man! <\/span>I\u2019ll be at the bar.<\/p>\n

I have no deep observations here at the end of my 33rd<\/sup> year. <\/span>Except, of course, I have outlived Jesus. <\/span>Therefore, I\u2019m the better man. <\/span>He not only showed up at the door with a hooker, but he was also dragging along a bunch of guys. <\/span>That\u2019s what the Last Supper\u2019s all about. <\/span>Judas was happy in his little apartment, and then the whole gang shows up.<\/p>\n

Hey, we stopped by for dinner.<\/p>\n

What the fuck, man? <\/span><\/p>\n

Times like that when you look at the caller ID, see that it\u2019s Caiaphas<\/span><\/a>, and then finally decide to take the call. <\/span>Yeah? <\/span>Yeah, he\u2019s here. <\/span>Yes he is a fucking asshole, I have nothing but bread and wine! <\/span>Oh\u2026 Well, sure, that would be enough to get more groceries\u2026<\/p>\n

I could actually go on forever like that, but I won\u2019t. <\/span>Because it\u2019s 2pm on Thursday as I write this, and the rum should be chilled by now. <\/span>And don\u2019t call me a faggot for chilling my rum. <\/span>And help me complete my Doctor Who<\/em> collection. <\/span>Here\u2019s the wishlist link again<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Well, Saturday is my 34th birthday. I tried to round up some old birthday articles in the archives, but only found a post for my 32nd birthday and one for the 31st. I had brain surgery right before my 33rd …<\/p>\n

Presents<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[86],"class_list":["post-83","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants","tag-birthday-articles"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/83","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=83"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/83\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1168,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/83\/revisions\/1168"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=83"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=83"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=83"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}