{"id":81,"date":"2008-05-05T06:08:46","date_gmt":"2008-05-05T11:08:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=81"},"modified":"2018-10-31T12:45:11","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T16:45:11","slug":"hey-you-wanna-swallow-your-tongue","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=81","title":{"rendered":"Hey, you. Wanna swallow your tongue?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve been bitching about the Wifi access at my weekend job being withheld<\/a>. <\/span>So imagine my surprise when, after last Saturday\u2019s post<\/a>, one of the tech people slipped into my little office and said:<\/p>\n

\u201cLook, we all read Great Society. <\/span>You know that, right? <\/span>Let\u2019s get you set up on the Wifi!\u201d<\/p>\n

It took a while for those words to sink in because I was scrambling to hide bottles of wine, unplug my laptop from the LAN, shut down the porn, and pull my pants up.<\/p>\n


\nAfter my shift, I dragged myself home and drank two bottles of expensive wine while reflecting on my success. <\/span>Constant bitching on my retarded blog won the day. <\/span>Now, I know that I should be a little upset to learn that my co-workers and supervisors are reading Greatsociety. <\/span>This page can be deeply embarrassing because, mainly, I\u2019m always drunk and writing freely about stalking bus stop women and stealing all the equipment I need to build a spaceship like Wilfred Brimley in The Thing<\/em>.\n<\/p>\n

I remember an episode of WKRP in Cincinnati<\/em> from my youth. My youth is marked by TV and movies, because my parents were criminals. <\/span>In the episode, the two late night hosts believe that no one listens to their show. <\/span>So one of them just off-handedly suggests that the people\u2019s response to a garbage strike should be to dump all their garbage on the steps of city hall. <\/span>Next morning, it turns out that the entire town listens \u2013 and acted. <\/span>So maybe I\u2019ve got that power at Greatsociety? <\/span>Now\u2026what to use it for? <\/span><\/p>\n

Oh, yes. <\/span>Evil.<\/p>\n

Since there\u2019s no garbage strike in DC, there\u2019s only one option: <\/span>Use the front page to convince people to kill themselves. <\/span>Like Hannibal Lector did to the guy in the cell next to his. <\/span>Convince people to swallow their tongues. <\/span>But how do you do that? <\/span><\/p>\n

Swallow your tongue. <\/span>You know you want to. <\/span>Come on! <\/span>Do it! <\/span>I triple dog dare you!<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been keeping an enemies list since I was eight, so I suppose I could just start at the top and work my way down. <\/span>The twins Gannon and Merrick Rich were the first people who bullied me. <\/span>They sound like something out of Highlights<\/em>, don\u2019t they? <\/span>Goofus and Gallant. <\/span>The spoiled, Middle American version of Cain and Abel<\/p>\n

Gannon and Merrick lived around the block on <\/st1>Stanhope Road<\/st1> and always picked on me. <\/span>Their mom was a foul, stinking whale of a woman who didn\u2019t care. <\/span>Just lounging in her hammock out back with booze. <\/span>She fucking filled that hammock, too. <\/span>I once went to her to complain (because I\u2019m crazy) and it was like a huge chunk of melting cheese in a net. <\/span>I had trouble picking out her face.<\/p>\n

Looking back, it\u2019s no wonder those two retards were bullies. <\/span>Maybe I shouldn\u2019t convince them to kill themselves\u2026<\/p>\n

There are no real bullies in high school that I can remember. <\/span>I went after the worst one with fishhooks and bricks behind the auditorium. <\/span>He and I reached an agreement that I would have my space for the remaining four years. <\/span>I seemed to pick my target wisely, because I was generally unmolested. <\/span>My friend and I were attacked, in 11th<\/sup> grade, by some street kids in Northeast, but I just told them that my friend was \u201cmy agent\u201d and then ran off. <\/span>They beat the shit out of him and I got off without a scratch. <\/span>Nice. <\/span>Of course, he\u2019s not a friend anymore. <\/span>Didn\u2019t feel like a loss, though. <\/span>Still doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

In college, I actually had a bully: <\/span>Chris Heller. <\/span>But, by then, I didn\u2019t really care. <\/span>He\u2019d try to do the traditional bully thing and everybody, including me, would stare blankly at him. <\/span><\/p>\n

Heller was another nasty fat-ass. <\/span>Troll-faced, beady eyed, slurring bastard. <\/span>Really a pitiful monster. <\/span>But not in the John Gardner Grendel<\/em> way. More in the aged, fugitive Nazi Apt Pupil<\/em> way.<\/p>\n

My enemies list has doubled now that I\u2019m publishing books. <\/span>The days of noticing or caring about bullies are long gone, so I just hate on the fruitcakes and treacherous former friends. <\/span>I\u2019ve always had trust issues, thanks to my family, but many of the \u201cfriends\u201d I\u2019ve had in my life have simply reinforced those issues. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a bit more enlightened here in my 30\u2019s. <\/span>If you act as crazy as either of my parents, then I want nothing to do with you. <\/span>Previously, I was just desperate for companionship. <\/span>I\u2019d tolerate the eccentricities of friends and defend them and try to understand them. <\/span>Now, I realize that true companionship is a dark lie. <\/span>That realization, combined with a much faster internet connection than I had in the 90\u2019s, means there\u2019s really no need for people. <\/span>I have a hard time defending the crazy friendship these days.<\/p>\n

Unless they\u2019re hot and they put out. <\/span>I want to make sure that\u2019s front and center for everyone reading this: <\/span>If you\u2019re cute and your pussy works, you can go that extra mile.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve got to watch that pussy, though, because a surprising number of them don\u2019t work. <\/span>Too small, too big, some weird health problem, or the owner lies there like a log and cries. <\/span>Or doesn\u2019t swallow. <\/span><\/p>\n

One girl I was with wanted me to jack off in front of her. <\/span>Okay, whatever. <\/span>I did as ordered. <\/span>The fine strokes of a man who lives alone and can\u2019t maintain a relationship of any serious length. <\/span>I told her the deal was I do it, and she cleans up. <\/span>Right? <\/span>Perfectly natural. <\/span>She agrees, I do it, and then she hops up and runs to the bathroom. <\/span>A moment later, she\u2019s back with a soapy wash cloth.<\/p>\n

Lesson number 579: <\/span>Specify what you mean by \u2018clean up.\u2019<\/p>\n

I wonder if she was just stupid and reversed everything? <\/span>Like, if I had asked her to clean the kitchen floor, would she have gotten on her knees and licked everything up? <\/span>That could be handy, actually. <\/span>Get in the bathroom! <\/span>Okay, now get the mildew out from between the tiles. <\/span>Yeah! <\/span>TONGUE IT, YOU WHORE! <\/span>Oh, yeah! <\/span>Oh! <\/span>Look at it shine! <\/span>Now get the cobwebs out of the corner! <\/span>SUCK SUCK! <\/span><\/p>\n

Oh god! <\/span>No teeth!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve been bitching about the Wifi access at my weekend job being withheld. So imagine my surprise when, after last Saturday\u2019s post, one of the tech people slipped into my little office and said: \u201cLook, we all read Great Society. …<\/p>\n

Hey, you. Wanna swallow your tongue?<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[400],"class_list":["post-81","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants","tag-wage-slave"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/81","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=81"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/81\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1172,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/81\/revisions\/1172"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=81"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=81"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=81"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}