{"id":70,"date":"2008-04-17T08:42:56","date_gmt":"2008-04-17T13:42:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=70"},"modified":"2018-10-31T15:24:18","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T19:24:18","slug":"pillows","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=70","title":{"rendered":"Pillows"},"content":{"rendered":"

My roommate in college was a pillow humper. <\/span>You know, that face-down masturbation technique where you brutalize your pillow, destroy your bed, and horrify even the most pornographically polluted mind. <\/span><\/p>\n


\nHe\u2019d wait till I was asleep (or so he thought), and then he would attack the pillow in a way that calls to mind stories of how an entire Roman legion raped Boudicca\u2019s daughters to death. <\/span>\n<\/p>\n

That never happened. <\/span>In fact, her whole story is a classic example of how mice play when the cat is away. <\/span>And how thousands upon thousands of them die horridly when the cat returns with an unlimited armory of heavy javelins and superior tactics. <\/span>It\u2019s all quite stupid, really. <\/span>Hey, the massive Roman legions have wiped everyone out and are annihilating the new age Druid wicca people, who are making a desperate and doomed last stand. <\/span>Now\u2019s our chance to strike! <\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think the Britons were in their right minds at that point. <\/span>While sacking <\/st1>London<\/st1>, Boudicca\u2019s troops cut off the breasts of noble Roman women, then they sewed the breasts over the faces of their victims. <\/span>I\u2019m sure there must be some sort of explanation for that. <\/span>Some ancient ritual or deity or something? <\/span>Because, if not, you just have to wonder. <\/span>Your commander says cut off that lady\u2019s tits. <\/span>Okay, sure. <\/span>Whatever. <\/span>Now! <\/span>Sew her tits over her head! <\/span><\/p>\n

Wouldn\u2019t anybody \u2013 from any culture, at any time period in history \u2013 sort of stand there and stare incredulously? <\/span>What was that sir?<\/p>\n

Ah, to be in the British army circa 60 AD. <\/span>Peel potatoes, sharpen spears, sew tits onto heads, and the endless marching!<\/p>\n

Back to pillow humping. <\/span>Because I know you love it. <\/span>Yes, you, my single Google Reader subscriber. <\/span>I know you used to be a pillow humper. <\/span>Though, probably, only with pillows that were shaped like animals. <\/span><\/p>\n

My roommate, in the wee hours of the morning, would fuck his pillow like a dying man\u2026uh\u2026would fuck\u2026something. <\/span>I don\u2019t know what I was thinking there, because I\u2019m marathoning NCIS and the only image in my head is Sasha Alexander. <\/span>Sweeter than the softest pillow.<\/p>\n

Needless to say, I was always terrified. <\/span>I don\u2019t think I slept for a year. <\/span>Seriously, I almost wanted to call the police and have them save the pillow. <\/span>It was heart-breaking, and it haunted my waking hours.<\/p>\n

In my sophomore year, I took a 17th<\/sup> job (or so it felt) and went with the single room. <\/span>I\u2019m still paying for that decision today financially, but it was well worth it. <\/span><\/p>\n

All this gets me to my real point \u2013 The latest research that says the oceans will rise 1.5 meters by 2100, whatever the hell a meter is. <\/span>The study says tens of millions of people will be displaced.<\/p>\n

I would care if those tens of millions were Americans, but they\u2019re actually going to be Bengalis. <\/span>And, according to the report, 72 million Chinese and 10% of <\/st1>Vietnam<\/st1>, amongst a slew of other unimportant nations. <\/span>I\u2019m sorry about the Bengalis but, you know, buyer beware in their case. <\/span>Well, I guess they were kind of stuck with their lot because national borders for non-white countries, up until the 1950\u2019s, were drawn by very drunk children who had never left their basements. <\/span><\/p>\n

But when it comes to China<\/st1> and <\/st1>Vietnam<\/st1>? <\/span>Who cares. <\/span>We still have a score to settle with the Vietnamese, and <\/st1>China<\/st1> has it coming. <\/span>I know, I know. <\/span>What about immigration problems here in the <\/st1>US<\/st1>? <\/span>Dude \u2013 72 million Chinese? <\/span>The way gas prices are going, we\u2019re going to need to rebuild our train network. <\/span>And when it comes to laying track through inhospitable hinterland, the Chinese are our go-to race. <\/span>They\u2019ll rue the day the ice caps melted. <\/span>Blast that tunnel, fuckers! <\/span>Yeah, that\u2019s right, nobody thought to put up structural supports because all the white foreman were at the brothel. <\/span>Don\u2019t worry, your bodies will be vaporized when we blast it open again. <\/span><\/p>\n

I think the rising sea level thing is funny. <\/span>I also make a daily prayer that the apocalypse will come and I\u2019ll be the last man on Earth.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had apocalyptic dreams all my life, except for when my roommates were humping pillows. <\/span>When I was a kid, though, they weren\u2019t dark dreams. <\/span>All of my friends survived, though we staked out different parts of the Earth to \u201crule\u201d and never talked to each other. <\/span>Notably, though, was that the apocalypse involved trampolines. <\/span>In my dreams, the entire planet was covered by trampolines and you had to bounce on them to get around. <\/span>So there\u2019d be these long quests to go visit my far flung friends in their distant, lonely empires and cover thousands of miles in huge trampoline leaps. <\/span><\/p>\n

I think there\u2019s a dangling modifier there\u2026 The leaps weren\u2019t thousands of miles, individually. <\/span>It would be epic fantasy novel questing to get to my friends. <\/span>Except bouncing instead of running around in the woods with goblins. <\/span>Just day after day of peaceful bouncing from trampoline to trampoline. <\/span>Then, weeks later, have tea with the friend, then bounce home.<\/p>\n

Though, if I were living isolated and alone on trampoline world, I\u2019d probably be a pillow humper, too. <\/span>I shouldn\u2019t be so unkind to my old roommate. <\/span>After all those weeks of bouncing to have tea with the friend, we\u2019d probably just talk about how boring the apocalypse was. <\/span>Nothing to do, the world is dead because it\u2019s covered in trampolines\u2026 <\/span>Hey, Nacho, have you ever fucked a pillow while bouncing really high on a trampoline?!?! <\/span>Gosh, I\u2019m so glad you bounced over!!! <\/span>I\u2019m going to show you my trampoline pillow humping technique and I REALLY WANT you to critique my method!!!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My roommate in college was a pillow humper. You know, that face-down masturbation technique where you brutalize your pillow, destroy your bed, and horrify even the most pornographically polluted mind.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[234,233],"class_list":["post-70","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants","tag-masturbation","tag-pillow-humper"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=70"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1185,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70\/revisions\/1185"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=70"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=70"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=70"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}