{"id":68,"date":"2008-04-14T10:37:05","date_gmt":"2008-04-14T15:37:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=68"},"modified":"2018-10-31T15:23:50","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T19:23:50","slug":"send-me-your-poor-your-tired-your-depressed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=68","title":{"rendered":"Send me your poor, your tired, your depressed"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/o>Here\u2019s how I pass my mornings: <\/span>I wake up and stare out the window as the sun rises over the low-rise garden apartments that look exactly like mine. <\/span>I watch the early commuters flock to their cars. <\/span>I listen to the goddamn motherfucking squirrel that\u2019s nesting in my ceiling try to chew through and kill me in a blood frenzy. <\/span>Then I move slowly into my deep thought for the day (I only allow one).<\/p>\n

So, today, I just have to know about the .1% of germs and bacteria out there. <\/span>You know how all these cleaners and antibacterial soap and so on kill 99.9% of shit? <\/span>What\u2019s up with that .1%? <\/span>And if it\u2019s so crazy strong that nothing can kill it, why hasn\u2019t it killed us? <\/span>Every once in a while, I see something that says it kills 99.7%. <\/span>Talk about cutting corners. <\/span><\/p>\n


\nBut, really, I lie awake and stare hard into the sun every morning because I\u2019ve finally realized my problem with depressed people: <\/span>They make me depressed.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s the “I’m depressed” mantra. <\/span>All these people I meet in my life \u2013 in passing, or intimately \u2013 who start out with \u201cI\u2019m depressed\u201d like it\u2019s their name. <\/span>Some badge to be worn for all to see. <\/span>A desperate cry for pity. <\/span>Misery has always loved company, and I\u2019ve certainly been companionably miserable at times, but come on. <\/span>Get a grip. <\/span>\n<\/p>\n

I’ve really had it with depressed people. I just can’t continue dealing with them. Look, people, the world sucks. It won’t — can’t — get better. Nothing will improve. In fact, you’re getting older…and older…and older… Even if there is a ray of light at the end of the Zoloft tunnel, it won’t matter because you’ve probably got cancer and, certainly, your knees are going to go out and your hair is thinning. Your health and your beauty are fleeting. <\/span>So what’s the point? Why should I sit here my whole life and swallow your depressive shit? Your religion of Depression. Your great god of self-inflicted misery and doubt? There’s no way you can improve, and that’s why you should shoot yourself as soon as possible. Then I won’t have to worry about anything and I can enjoy each day like a normal human being.<\/p>\n

Now, hear me out, suicide would be a good thing for everyone. Not just a cure for depression, but, if enough of you pansies do it, it’ll probably increase the chances of keeping Social Security around. Imagine that! A mass depressed-people\u2019s suicide could be a boon for an entire generation. <\/span><\/p>\n

I guess I just don’t get what depressed people are striving for. Maybe the act of striving for something, in itself, is the cause for depression, eh? I gave up long ago. I’m going to work shit jobs my whole life and then I’m going to retire to an Airstream trailer in the hills of <\/st1>West Virginia<\/st1> and eat roadkill. And if every silver lining has a cloud, well, that’s nothing new. I’ll just suck it up and chow down on week-old raccoon.<\/p>\n

I recently learned that my friend\u2019s wife is set to inherit 30 acres of rocky hilltop in northern <\/st1>West Virginia<\/st1> and that made my heart soar. <\/span>There is where I\u2019ll stick my retirement trailer. <\/span>Pay her some modest sum and die alone in that used Airstream watching satellite TV. <\/span>How perfect can you get?<\/p>\n

It must be awful, my depressed comrades, to think that there’s beauty, and a way out. Or is it awful to get on the drugs to try and get to that goal, paying some soft-science misfit an extraordinary amount of money to tell you that clowns are not, in fact, going to eat your liver? <\/span>Like, duh, doc.<\/p>\n

I need to see you twice a week, to the tune of hundreds of dollars, because that’s how much it costs to keep all these prescription pads around, or to regurgitate stuff from books all in the hopes that you’ll ask yourself a pointed question. You know, like trying to teach a kid something. Now what did you do wrong, Tommy?<\/p>\n

Except the answer isn’t ever that Tommy did something wrong, it’s that something’s being done to Tommy. That’s what we want. We all want to scapegoat someone. That’s how the Jews got burned up by the Nazis. We’re desperate for it. Sure, they’re the problem. Sure, mommy and daddy did it. Sure, it was that long ago rape\/murder\/car crash\/divorce\/beating\/whatever. Can I get a refill?<\/p>\n

I’m not saying it\u2019s your fault if some great evil was visited upon you. I’m just saying that great evil is visited upon everyone. Even if your life is beautiful, it wouldn’t surprise me if someone flew a plane into you. There’s an example. Look how fucked up this world is. We’ve gotten soft in <\/st1>America<\/st1>. I hope more shit gets attacked. I hope whole cities die in flames and horror. I hope this happens because I am so fucking tired of the “I’m depressed” thing.<\/p>\n

So, just to prove that I\u2019m not in the suicide business (DO IT AND FILM IT AND EMAIL IT TO ME), I\u2019ll provide my ten easy steps to avoiding depression:<\/p>\n

(1) <\/span>Rent, don\u2019t own<\/strong><\/p>\n

We\u2019re still living that whole your home is your castle 1950\u2019s weird-ass dream. <\/span>So we\u2019re all shoveling ourselves into condos and town homes, or seeking that perfect house without paying attention to the fact that the foundation is made of cardboard, or whatever. <\/span>Owning property is insane for many reasons, but there are two primary ones:<\/p>\n

Without fail, something will fuck up. <\/span>I don\u2019t care about tax savings. <\/span>If you do save money on taxes, then you can be sure that it\u2019ll go right back into the house when the water heater inexplicably blows up, or you learn a dark truth such as your plumbing is made with Double Bubble. <\/span>When renting, other people have to come and fix that stupid shit.<\/p>\n

If you freak out, then you can\u2019t run. <\/span>You\u2019re mortgaged to the hilt, you have to go through hell to unload the property (assuming the market is right). <\/span>You can\u2019t have a legitimate freak-out and just pull out of the world. <\/span>But, as a renter, fuck you. <\/span>Breaking the lease. <\/span>Throwing everything out today and getting the first bus to <\/st1>Pierre<\/st1>, South Dakota<\/st1>, because that\u2019s what the bird on the windowsill told me to do.<\/p>\n

(2) Stay away from medication<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hey, back to that .1%. <\/span>If you have some legitimate head problem, then okay. <\/span>But the 99.9 (or 99.7, if you buy off-brand) of people who are taking Zoloft and all that because their daddy died or something, get a grip. <\/span>It\u2019s not even fun, is it? <\/span>I mean, if it were meth or something, at least you could say you were doing something constructive. <\/span><\/p>\n

(3) <\/span>Travel<\/strong><\/p>\n

Money doesn\u2019t matter. <\/span>Now, at my age, the depressed people tend to be in deep financial holes. <\/span>That changes things. <\/span>That means you can only travel to places where you know people. <\/span>That dear friend in <\/st1>Spain<\/st1>? <\/span>Just go stay in their house for a week or two and penny-pinch and nickel and dime the fuck out of them. <\/span>That\u2019s what friends are for. <\/span>Most real friends will get a kick out of showing you around, and take heart that you can\u2019t afford to pull that stunt more than once every few years.<\/p>\n

Travel heals all wounds. <\/span>Just simply getting a hotel room 20 miles away does the trick. <\/span>It\u2019s really about changing your environment here. <\/span>Because you\u2019re a depressed person and everything in your house is dark, dirty, and smells like urine. <\/span>Even the Verizon tech is horrified, and he\u2019s walked in on corpses before.<\/p>\n

(4) Money is not a problem<\/strong><\/p>\n

Touchy subject here because, if you\u2019re having money problems in your 30\u2019s (or beyond), then you\u2019re a fuck up and you deserve to die. <\/span>You should be able to live on a budget by now, retard! <\/span><\/p>\n

But, okay. <\/span>In the end, the money doesn\u2019t matter. <\/span>Cut up your credit cards, don\u2019t splurge, blah blah. <\/span>There are a million ways to save. <\/span>But if you\u2019re carrying some sort of fucked up debt, don\u2019t let it eat at you. <\/span>Does it really matter? <\/span>People say that they need money to do the things they want to do. <\/span>How the fuck did you get in debt, then? <\/span>One has to assume that was because you were doing what you wanted to do. <\/span>So, there, you\u2019ve made your bed.<\/p>\n

Now you\u2019re going to have to eat Ramen and wear tattered clothes and shoes held together with duct tape for three years. <\/span>Easy. <\/span><\/p>\n

(5) Love<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nobody will love you. <\/span>Ever. <\/span>Not the way you\u2019re thinking of, you depressed fruitcake. <\/span>It\u2019s a two way street, love is. <\/span>Or so I\u2019m told. <\/span>So just let that shit go. <\/span>If you find someone, great. <\/span>If you don\u2019t, fuck them. <\/span>Whatever. <\/span>Battlestar Galactica<\/em> is probably on, so there\u2019s something to do. <\/span>Oh, and porn is your friend. <\/span><\/p>\n

(6) Your parents were wrong<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t care what they said or did, it doesn\u2019t matter. <\/span>For my age group, our parents are the great traitors. <\/span>The fuckers who fought against <\/st1>Vietnam<\/st1>, then voted in Nixon. <\/span>Or, if they didn\u2019t, then they just gave up sometime in the late 70\u2019s because everything was so fucking horrible they couldn\u2019t stand tasting blood every morning. <\/span><\/p>\n

Can\u2019t blame them, really, but they are the failed revolution. <\/span>They are the machine. <\/span>They made us the law-abiding, insular waterheads we are today.<\/p>\n

You younger folk are even worse off. <\/span>I pity everyone born after 1980. <\/span>Welcome to the empire of ashes, assholes.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m especially confused when people are depressed because their parents abused them. <\/span>Hey, what better object lesson do you need? <\/span>Instead of moping around because your perfect family is corrupt at the core, your parents just hauled off and beat you up. <\/span>More power to them for expressing their own hatred and bitterness in a way that can so clearly set you on an opposing path. <\/span>That should have, you know, built character or something. <\/span>Parents suck. <\/span>I\u2019m glad mine are dead. <\/span>I celebrate every day with a ding dong, the witches are dead dance. <\/span>You freed us, Dorothy! <\/span><\/p>\n

(7) Surprise \u2013 you\u2019re moving forward, not back<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m all for nostalgia. <\/span>Hell, I\u2019ve been posting about how I\u2019m going to build my <\/st1>Lego<\/st1> Town<\/st1> from when I was ten years old and drunkenly relive those days. But you can\u2019t relive those days, and I know that. <\/span>My <\/st1>Lego<\/st1> Town<\/st1> at 33 is going to be more for show than anything else. <\/span>What was a toy is really just a collectible now.<\/p>\n

Too bad, baby, you missed this year, or that phase, or this time in your life. <\/span>You\u2019ll never reclaim it. <\/span>You\u2019ll never correct what happened. <\/span>You\u2019ll never find a solution to whatever the problem is. <\/span>We\u2019re now in carpe diem territory, if only because it\u2019s all you ever have. <\/span>Seize the day, by the way, is from a poem, which tells us we should do so while \u201ctrusting little in the future.\u201d <\/span>Ooh\u2026arty. <\/span>Where\u2019s my beret?<\/p>\n

The past is lost, the future is a cancer-riddled mass of heart attacks and fibrous growths in your ass, so the point is pretty clear.<\/p>\n

(8) God hates you<\/strong><\/p>\n

What do we have to do to become post-religion? <\/span>Religion is just Zoloft without the FDA controls. <\/span>I don\u2019t care what you are \u2013 or how groovy and funky it is \u2013 it\u2019s all a lie. <\/span>There\u2019s you, and there\u2019s some shit that makes sure the world keeps turning, and whatever. <\/span>If there is any sort of greater consciousness out there, then it should be pretty clear \u2013 especially to a depressed person \u2013 that it\u2019s out to get you in a bad way. <\/span><\/p>\n

I believe in God simply because I refuse to accept that all the evil in the world is pure chance. <\/span>There has to be a grand design behind all the nasty shit that flies at me all fucking day. <\/span>Bury me with a shotgun, because I\u2019m going to blow off Christ\u2019s head. <\/span>Or Allah, or whatever. <\/span>The goddess of the moon\u2019s getting shot, too. <\/span>I\u2019ll be on CNN: <\/span>Man walks around heaven shooting people, then shoots self. <\/span>It\u2019ll be like Columbine. <\/span>I\u2019ll make a video with heavy metal music playing in the background. <\/span>People will ask why. <\/span>Jesus will have a state funeral. <\/span>God, of course, will be on vacation that day and miss the whole thing.<\/p>\n

(9) <\/span>Work sucks<\/strong><\/p>\n

It goes against everything human about you to get up and go to work. <\/span>Unless you\u2019re a doctor or someone benefiting humanity, you\u2019re wasting your time. <\/span>But you\u2019re in debt, idiot, so that\u2019s that. <\/span>Pay your penance and do as little work as possible. <\/span>If you\u2019re sitting there bored for seven hours, fine. <\/span>That\u2019s the only way you can fight back. <\/span>Do no more than 45 minutes of work a day, befriend no one at the office unless they are really spectacular people, always be aware that your boss is out to kill you, steal everything, and cash your paychecks immediately. <\/span>That\u2019s how I live each day!<\/p>\n

(10) Stop telling me you\u2019re depressed.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t care. <\/span>I make fun of you behind your back when you do. <\/span>I want your CD\u2019s after you hang yourself. <\/span>And I\u2019m hoping you hang yourself soon because\u2026stop telling me you\u2019re depressed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here\u2019s how I pass my mornings: I wake up and stare out the window as the sun rises over the low-rise garden apartments that look exactly like mine. I watch the early commuters flock to their cars. I listen to …<\/p>\n

Send me your poor, your tired, your depressed<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[111],"class_list":["post-68","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants","tag-commentary"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/68","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=68"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/68\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1182,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/68\/revisions\/1182"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=68"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=68"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=68"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}