I\u2019m routinely hard on the faux-Irish pub phenomenon that so consumes the American bar culture.\u00a0 It\u2019s one of those things where, when confronted by the legion of faux-Irish pub apologists, I always end up pitching into an argument. Largely because they, those mad zealots, insist that certain pubs in the DC area are \u201cauthentic\u201d Irish pubs.<\/p>\n
\nThis issue plays into a deeper part of the American psyche.\u00a0 Part of it is the inability to embrace who we are.\u00a0 The blind, insecure, and somewhat lonely desire to become a hyphenated American.\u00a0 To find some sort of ancient touchstone instead of old Hugh McDonald who came over on a raft of reeds in 1847 with only one potato to his name. There\u2019s this \u2013 frankly insane \u2013 need to create a modern identity based on the lives of forgotten ancestors.<\/p>\n
The romanticism of Irishness (and please pronounce that word with your worst fake accent — Oyrishness) has always held a weird fascination in our minds.\u00a0 Hell, America\u2019s the country that has cheerfully funded the world\u2019s formerly worst terrorist organization\u2026um, up to this day.<\/p>\n
You see this Irish obsession everywhere.\u00a0 The people who claim the mythical \u201cScots-Irish\u201d descent (a slang term used to describe the shantytown folks waiting for openings in steerage class to make the Atlantic crossing), the American tourists in Ireland who ask after the health of family members who lived centuries ago, the put-on accents and revisionist family history\u2026<\/p>\n
So it makes sense that, as we create a fantasy land for our own personal histories, that it\u2019s populated by \u201cauthentic\u201d Irish pubs.<\/p>\n
But let\u2019s come down to reality.\u00a0 Here are the facts:\u00a0 Just because a pub is owned by an Irishman, it is not an authentic Irish pub.\u00a0 Just because the pub is decorated in deep wood colors and features vintage Guinness posters, it is not an authentic Irish pub.\u00a0 Just because the menu items have Irish names, and there\u2019s a popular Irish drink on tap, it is not an authentic Irish pub.<\/p>\n
Do you know why?\u00a0 Because you\u2019re in America.\u00a0 Because you\u2019re an American.\u00a0 No matter how much the owners and employees and regulars want it, the one, central fact is that the pub has to stay in business.\u00a0 It has to adopt a business model that is American.\u00a0 We have different expectations when it comes to service.\u00a0 We expect a courteous wait staff, a hostess at the door.\u00a0 We expect a group of guys in the corner practicing folk songs, we expect soccer nights and pub quizzes.\u00a0 All these quaint little things which, in our weird childish pantomime, we believe to be Irish.\u00a0 Inside the Irish-American pub, there\u2019s this general sense that, if you drink enough, you\u2019ll walk outside and find yourself in Brigadoon.\u00a0 Which, yes, I know, was in Scotland.\u00a0 But you know what I mean.<\/p>\n
The food has certain expectations as well.\u00a0 Americans are bad about that.\u00a0 We make fun of British cuisine, yet come to the Irish pub and crave said cuisine, but really just expect to receive some bland, watered down, inoffensive dish with a suitably Irish name because Americans don\u2019t understand that you can get happiness from food.<\/p>\n
Our general sense of community is woefully stunted. Americans have moved away from the social trappings of neighborhoods and towns.\u00a0 We\u2019ve all become islands. Don\u2019t touch us and don\u2019t encroach on our space.\u00a0 A crowded bar becomes a jostling, competitive mess instead of a jovial gathering of strangers who could be friends. Sighs and rolling eyes as our credit card culture ties up half the wait staff.<\/p>\n
I argue these points, and the zealots argue for the Irishness Fantasy, but there really shouldn\u2019t be an argument.\u00a0 See, I don\u2019t really have a problem with the faux Irish pub. The Irish-American pub is, really, just a more civilized version of a sports bar.\u00a0 It\u2019s a sports bar that serves better beer, provides a richer ambience, and tends towards a more family-friendly and grey-hair friendly clientele.\u00a0 An authentic Irish pub, however, would go out of business within a year, no matter what the regulars and the zealots insist.<\/p>\n
What confounds me is when the zealots have travelled and still stick to their guns.\u00a0 Trust me kids, I\u2019ve been to many pubs in the UK and Ireland.\u00a0 On the tourist path, many of them, sadly, are adopting the faux-pub Americanization because they, too, like money.<\/p>\n
But leave your fellow Americans and your safe tour groups behind and go to the local joints.\u00a0 How anyone can compare the pubs over there to the pubs in America is beyond me. We lack the artery-clogging food culture, we lack the beer culture, and we certainly lack the ability to sit quietly and drink and appreciate the moment without phoning 14 people and making rodeo hoots.<\/p>\n
More and more, the pubs over there are being Americanized.\u00a0 It\u2019s actually a social concern for many folks. Maybe that\u2019s what gets my goat.\u00a0 Not just the blind insistence of authentic Irishness, but the fact that such feverish fantasies (along with the rest of America\u2019s empty culture) has started to infect the world.<\/p>\n
The day is coming when we will lose that pub culture forever to loud TV\u2019s, pestering waiters, invasive hostesses, cliques of regulars, and mutual suspicion. Just because that\u2019s what we, the American abroad, now expect.\u00a0 Such is the power of our empire.<\/p>\n
So let\u2019s look at a few Irish-American pubs in DC and Maryland.\u00a0 I slight Virginia because it\u2019s across the Potomac Ocean and, as far as I know, nobody has journeyed to the other side and lived to tell about it.\u00a0 There be dragons.<\/p>\n
Montgomery County, Maryland.\u00a0 The bustling DC suburbs that are (not so) quietly urbanizing and sapping workers and residents away from the city.\u00a0 Not that I care, but it does allow for the breeding of interesting drinking and dining spots where, once, there were only Hot Shoppes, the last remnants of the diner culture, and weird bars with dirt floors.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll just pick pubs out of my hat \u2013 in no way covering all of the faux-Irish joints.\u00a0 Just the ones that I can tolerate.\u00a0 Occasionally.<\/p>\n
In Silver Spring, the premiere faux-Irish drinking establishment is McGinty\u2019s<\/a>, a cavernous, dim bar which just about successfully hides the fact that it\u2019s a shopping mall bar.\u00a0 The greatest enemy Mankind has known.<\/p>\n Thanks to the size, McGinty\u2019s is quite comfortable for the drinker.\u00a0 There are corners to hide in upstairs, and outdoor seating if you want to drink obsessively at 11am and scare suburbanites.<\/p>\n Dining-wise, McGinty\u2019s prides itself on the authenticity of the menu, but actually presents the worst mock-Irish food I\u2019ve had. Not that it tastes bad \u2013 I actually enjoy their dishes, and love their burgers \u2013 it\u2019s just not the real thing.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s see if we can create an Irishness scale. One to five, one being the worst, in three categories. Service, food, atmosphere.<\/p>\n In service, points are removed for fake accents, and the dominance and\/or encroachment of American-style table-service seating as well as other examples of faux \u201cauthenticity,\u201d such as pub quizzes and soccer nights playing, largely, to a clueless audience.\u00a0 Points are awarded if there\u2019s a lean towards bar service, or the place is just generally cool on some level. Points are removed for weak pours.<\/p>\n Food points are awarded on whether or not the food is close to what you could get overseas. That doesn\u2019t mean you get a point for rasher bacon and blood pudding.\u00a0 You only get points if you know how to actually prepare and serve it.<\/p>\n Atmosphere sort of plays into the service category, and vice versa. Points are awarded based on the nature of the clientele (frat boys, families, and the Temperance Union are negatives), as well as the general mood of the bar (e.g., servers who don\u2019t bedevil you, the noise level produced by music or TV, the quality of live music, etc.).<\/p>\n A note on wait-staff:\u00a0 I\u2019m not opposed to wait staff, I just don\u2019t like being trapped.\u00a0 If you want to relax at a table by the bar, then it should be up to you to get up and order from the bartender.\u00a0 With a waiter, you\u2019ll go wanting.\u00a0 You\u2019re beholden to them.\u00a0 You have to wait if your drink runs out, or they\u2019ll pester you during a conversation about dessert, or they\u2019ll vanish for a break when it comes time for the check.\u00a0 All of this designed, in my opinion, to be a sub-conscious drive to flip the table and get rid of the pissheads like me.<\/p>\n McGinty\u2019s Silver Spring, then: A 2 for service.\u00a0 You have to face a hostess at the door (though they\u2019re always easily dismissed), and you can\u2019t sit at a bar table without collecting a waiter. I\u2019ve encountered several put-on accents from wait staff, as well.\u00a0 Perhaps an influence from the nearby Piratz Tavern, the Role-playing Games Club bar. Mixed drinks are always weak, and I\u2019ve not noticed any regulars (as regulars tend to get better treatment in that department).\u00a0 I\u2019m sure they exist, but McGinty\u2019s falls victim to its size and its shopping mall location.\u00a0 There\u2019s never a sense that you could become a regular there. McGinty\u2019s gets a 2 for food.\u00a0 It\u2019s good, but it\u2019s not at all close to the real thing.\u00a0 At best, the \u201cauthentic\u201d dishes are Irish-inspired designer cuisine intended for the gentrified Silver Springer.<\/p>\n They get a 2 for atmosphere, explained above.<\/p>\n That\u2019s the best you\u2019ll do in Silver Spring, so the next Irishness stop is Ri Ra<\/a>, in Bethesda, MD.\u00a0 There\u2019s a loyal warrior-class of suburbanites who support Ri Ra, and I feel the need to tread carefully because I call many of them my friends.\u00a0 But, as an \u201cauthentic\u201d Irish pub, the place is sadly lacking. The \u201clower\u201d bar is dominated by table-service seating.\u00a0 It\u2019s an island along the far wall with barstools and a precious few bar tables, which a waiter attends. The food is lacking and, outside of their excellent burgers and other American staples, bland and tasteless and, occasionally, eccentric beyond the level of enjoyment (I\u2019m looking at you, \u201cIrish Curry\u201d).<\/p>\n The \u201cupper\u201d bar is the hangout spot. Though, again, the bar tables have waiter service. There\u2019s some love that\u2019s gone into the design of the upper bar, though, and I appreciate being separated from the regular diners. There\u2019s a sense, in the upper bar, that everyone is there to drink and have a good time and not fucking order the children\u2019s macaroni meal and, gosh, honey, those people over there are drunk.<\/p>\n Ri Ra, thanks solely to the upper bar, gets a 3 for service and a 4 for atmosphere.\u00a0 They get a 2 for food. They\u2019d move up in service if the upper bar went bar service only, as it\u2019s obviously designed for. But, alas, you filthy yuppies like your slaves.<\/p>\n