{"id":507,"date":"2009-10-14T08:12:09","date_gmt":"2009-10-14T13:12:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=507"},"modified":"2018-10-30T20:05:04","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T00:05:04","slug":"the-new-testicle-iv-the-bobsel-of-nohj-part-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=507","title":{"rendered":"The New Testicle IV: The Bobsel of Nohj, part one"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0Yes, I was very drunk when I wrote this.\u00a0 And you can read more about what my mind was like in 1993 in the New Testicle Intro<\/a>.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The Bobsel According To
\nNohj<\/p>\n

I: PROLOGUE<\/p>\n

CHAPTER 1<\/p>\n

In the beginning was the Word;
\nThe word was Sausage;
\nAnd that word was with BOB!
\nThe son of BOB was there with BOB
\nAnd so, all things were cool
\nAnd apart from being cool,
\nThe freshmen were slain.
\nWhatever and whoever were
\nPleasured by him
\nWere saved
\nSaved as Men and Women (and dogs, and cats, and – )
\nThe Purple light
\nIs above my skull
\nAnd there it shines
\nInto the darkness of Men
\nA darkness which cannot over\u00adcome
\nThe cool black light of BOB.<\/p>\n

There was a man named Nohj, who saw Bob Jr rise and was witness to the glory of BOB.\u00a0 Through me, all Men may believe in BOB…and also get a good high.\u00a0 The real light which gives light to the light\u00adless dark souls who are the light of BOB who is the light.<\/p>\n

He was the world and
\nthrough him
\nThe world was better
\nCause The Police were there
\nAnd Talking Heads
\nAnd Pink Floyd
\nAnd Jethro Tull
\nAnd David Bowie
\nAll unto him and his light
\nYet, at this time, the world did not know who he was.
\nNo one accepted him.
\nInstead they listened unto
\nHeavy metal and
\nGarage Bands
\nRebellion was expressed with dyed hair and pierced nipples.
\nNever was rebellion expressed with intellect, and cunning, and being genuine.
\nBut he, our Lord, Bob Jr, changed such things.
\nTo us he came.
\nAnd came.
\nAnd Came…<\/p>\n

He gave us the ability to be the blessed of BOB; to never touch mon- and to donate money to the NOHJ THE APOSTLE PANCAKE BREAKFAST!!\u00a0 EVERY TUESDAY IN NOHJ’S APARTMENT WITH BOBETTE THE VIRGIN AND POLE THE CONVERT!!!<\/p>\n

The word of BOB, Sausage, be\u00adcame flesh.\u00a0 Pig flesh!\u00a0 And came unto us.<\/p>\n

Nohj testifies that:\u00a0 I am sec\u00adond for he who came first is before me and I am after the first of he who comes first which makes me second after he who came first but now I am first where once I was second as he who came first died first.<\/p>\n

But Nohj the Bobist states:\u00a0 He who came first is me and he who came second is better than he\u00a0 who came first even though he who came first proves to be better but I died first so he who came second is first and I am third.<\/p>\n

So, as BOB has proclaimed in the last words of his Old Testicle, his son came unto Humanity and was born unto Bob\u00adette the soiled virgin in a small suburban community.<\/p>\n

II: BEGIN HERE<\/p>\n

Nohj the Bobist said unto the questioning officials, “I stand here in the Potomac to bless those who wish to come into the kingdom of our savior, Bob Jr.”<\/p>\n

And the officials asked unto Nohj the Bobist, “Is it you who are our Lord, the sav\u00adior, Bob Jr?”<\/p>\n

And Nohj the Bobist re\u00adplied, “I am he who comes be\u00adfore the savior.\u00a0 I am he who eats bugs and drinks this filthy water to make a point.”<\/p>\n

“That’s a pretty way-out point!” the officials jeered.<\/p>\n

“Blow me!” Nohj called out, successfully silencing them.<\/p>\n

This happened in the Potomac, across from National Airport, where Nohj was Bobbing.<\/p>\n

It was the next day when Nohj caught sight of Bob Jr traveling his way.\u00a0 Bob Jr wad\u00aded into the Potomac, and asked Nohj for a Bobizm.<\/p>\n

Nohj the Bobist said, “I cannot Bobize he who is al\u00adready with BOB.”<\/p>\n

“Then,” spoke Bob Jr, “dive beneath the surface and find me a great treasure.”<\/p>\n

And so Nohj the Bobist dived into the filthy water, and returned with a black box from an airplane which had crashed a year earlier.<\/p>\n

It was then that a chicken flew out of the sky, and swooped down unto the two men, and the voice of BOB was heard:<\/p>\n

“This is my son!\u00a0 Touch him.”<\/p>\n

Nohj reached out and poked Bob Jr’s chest, whereupon Bob Jr (not having heard the word of his father) grabbed Nohj’s hand and twisted it around.<\/p>\n

“Next time you touch me, I’ll kill you.”<\/p>\n

Nohj, his hand broken, gibbered in fear and drifted below the surface of the Poto\u00admac.<\/p>\n

The next day, Nohj saw Bob Jr jogging through the park.\u00a0 He said to his followers, “There is the Bobcat of BOB; go – follow him.”<\/p>\n

They followed Bob Jr, and when Bob Jr turned upon them and saw, he said, “I have a gun.\u00a0 One more step and -”<\/p>\n

“Blarin,” (which means teacher.\u00a0 Sorry, I just made that word up) “where do you rest your head at night?”<\/p>\n

“I have a pad downtown.” B.J. answered.\u00a0 So they went to his pad and spent the day (well, it was only the after\u00adnoon) drinking beer, eating pizza, and watching sci-fi shows.<\/p>\n

At which point, Werdna traveled forth to seek out his brother Pain.\u00a0 Pain was working at the Olsson\u2019s at Dupont Cir\u00adcle, and there Werdna came unto him and said, “Brother, we have found the Mush\u00adroom!” (That means Anointed One, if you know what I mean.)<\/p>\n

And so Pain went unto Bob Jr, and he, his brother Werdna, and Stew\u00adart sat for the rest of the evening and watched The Prisoner.<\/p>\n

The next day, they were march\u00ading in Bethesda, where they met Flip.<\/p>\n

“Come and join us…” and so, Flip left his BMW, and joined the ranks.<\/p>\n

And so they feasted at Roy Rogers and drew upon them\u00adselves the angels of Bob Heav\u00adens (where there is heartburn and sausage).<\/p>\n

CHAPTER 2<\/p>\n

And so Bob Jr, his mom, and his disciples crashed a par\u00adty in Chevy Chase.\u00a0 The Rob-lovers there were about to kick out Bob Jr when the wine ran out.<\/p>\n

“Please…you must help!” they whined.<\/p>\n

And so Bob Jr went into the kitchen, and said unto the servants (those who made less than 100,000 dollars a year) to fill the kegs with water.<\/p>\n

He then spit in each keg, and thus, he turned the water into Pur\u00adple Passion.<\/p>\n

Everyone at the party got so totally smashed, they never even thought about how this miracle could have happened.<\/p>\n

Bob Jr then went to the local churches, and found them covered with evergreens which had been cut and wrapped in plastic.<\/p>\n

“What is the meaning of this?\u00a0 Why are the houses of BOB covered in mutilated trees?”<\/p>\n

And the preachers told him, “It is Christmas.\u00a0 We are sell\u00ading the trees.”<\/p>\n

With this, Bob Jr grew enraged.\u00a0 He threw the trees from the churches, “This is a house of BOB!\u00a0 How dare you kill the trees and throw them upon the floor!\u00a0 Did not BOB create those trees?\u00a0 Are not these buildings the temples of our Father, BOB?\u00a0 Why do you do this?”\u00a0 So, Bob Jr slaugh\u00adtered the preachers, wrapping them in plastic, and placing outrageous price tags on them while the apostles leaned the corpses up along the fences and parking lots of the churches.<\/p>\n

And this angered the Kink\u00admaster Kiaphas and his Krew.\u00a0 They began to think that Bob Jr. was gaining too much power.<\/p>\n

CHAPTER 3<\/p>\n

And so a preacher came unto Bob Jr.<\/p>\n

“I wish to give up my old be\u00adliefs, and follow the new way of BOB!”<\/p>\n

And Bob Jr replied,<\/p>\n

“Look man, we’re just about to go watch Space 1999.\u00a0 Why don’t you join us?”<\/p>\n

And so the preacher, whose name was Nikoli, came and watched Space 1999.\u00a0 There was much cheering as Bob Jr turned off the tape, and reached for some old Doctor Who episodes.<\/p>\n

It was at this point that Nikoli saw how cool Bob Jr was and took off his robes.\u00a0 Stand\u00ading there, naked, Bob Jr was forced to re\u00adtreat into the back room, and thus he re\u00adturned with cloth\u00ading.<\/p>\n

“When you are naked, I shall clothe you,” spoke Bob Jr.\u00a0 And so he placed red and white polka-dotted boxer shorts on Nikoli, “Always wear the boxers of BOB, for you shall repro\u00adduce and not itch as much.”<\/p>\n

And then Bob Jr placed black dockers over the under\u00adpants, and a black and purple, paisley, cotton, button-down shirt.\u00a0 Bob Jr then placed a fancy black blazer over the shirt.\u00a0 At which point there was much whistling and clap\u00adping.\u00a0 Bob Jr then placed a fedora upon Nikoli’s head, and a pair of round, metal-rimmed, purple-reflective sunglasses on his face.\u00a0 There were cries of BOB and studliness from the apostles.<\/p>\n

Nikoli had been trans\u00adformed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0Yes, I was very drunk when I wrote this.\u00a0 And you can read more about what my mind was like in 1993 in the New Testicle Intro.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,131,116],"class_list":["post-507","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-bobsels","tag-new-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/507","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=507"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/507\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":793,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/507\/revisions\/793"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=507"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=507"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=507"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}