<\/p>\n
Chapter Two
\nThe Teaching of Bob Jr<\/p>\n
Bob Jr went unto the masses, and healed them of their wounds.\u00a0 He made rich the poor, and he did a whole bunch of really neat crap.<\/p>\n
“You must love your enemy,” he said unto the crowds, “for then he will not expect it when you punch him out.”<\/p>\n
And there was much laughter.<\/p>\n
Then he said unto the people, “Blest are the poor and hungry, for they shall be one with BOB.\u00a0 But those who are rich and happy, damn them.\u00a0 There won’t be any happiness around me.\u00a0 Bastards.\u00a0 I want the poor and unhappy – clear?\u00a0 Okay, please make a contribu\u00adtion as you exit.”<\/p>\n
And there was much grumbling.<\/p>\n
And so it was a Viking came unto B.J.<\/p>\n
“My daughter is ill.\u00a0 She is in need of your love and affection.\u00a0 Give it unto her.”<\/p>\n
And so B.J. went unto the Viking’s hot Scandinavian daughter.\u00a0 He pleasured her repeatedly, and then gave her his business card, at which point the Viking’s daughter rose up and danced for joy.\u00a0 For she had been blessed by BOB.<\/p>\n
And there was much happiness.\u00a0 So everyone who was happy went to hell, because the happy shall later weep in grief, right?<\/p>\n
And so a prostitute came unto Bob Jr and showed him her many tattoos.\u00a0 B.J. turned unto the man at whose house he was staying, and said, “This woman has many hidden tattoos.\u00a0 Yet, when first I came, you never showed me your tattoos, whereas she has.”\u00a0 He then said unto the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.\u00a0 Take off your clothes and wait for me in the back room.”<\/p>\n
And so Bob Jr went unto all the towns, preaching the good news of BOB.\u00a0 He was invited unto a cornbread and bean dinner at a preacher’s house.\u00a0 A woman – a known sinner – came unto Bob Jr and poured much ketchup on his corn bread and beans.<\/p>\n
“You see,” said Bob Jr, “I came into your household, and you did not offer ketchup.\u00a0 But this woman did.\u00a0 This woman is so blessed by BOB.”<\/p>\n
“Well…” the preacher explained, “I’m from the city – I don’t know how to serve these country dinners!”<\/p>\n
“There are no excuses in Bob Heavens (where there are grits, scrapple, and sausage)!”<\/p>\n
And so the preacher brought out a piece of cherry pie.\u00a0 But the woman took the cherry pie and placed it in a bowl.\u00a0 She then poured milk and brown sugar upon it.<\/p>\n
“I like this woman!” Bob Jr exclaimed.<\/p>\n
“So,” Luke and Bo explained to the crowds, “There’s this farmer.\u00a0 His sharecroppers has alls gone away, so’s he goes and puts seed, like, you know, on the ground.\u00a0 Well, this feller puts some, like, you know, seeds on the soil, an’ it grows an’ grows an’ grows inta big, yeller corns!\u00a0 These corns are, like, you know, sons a’ BOB.<\/p>\n
“But some, like, you know, seeds are scattered on the rocks, and they alls die.\u00a0 These seeds are like the souls of men who have not follered BOB!<\/p>\n
“So the moral of this here story is that youse should plant corns!\u00a0 Yah-hooo!!”<\/p>\n
So, at about this time, Sheriff Caiaphas is getting a little upset.\u00a0 The Duke boys were bad enough, but this new preacher which had hooked up with them was trouble.\u00a0 Together the three of them had cured the blind, made cripples walk, and done many good things for Hazzard County.\u00a0 So, the Sheriff hatched a plan.\u00a0 He got in good with Cooter, and offered Cooter a lot of money and (the greatest prize of all) a plane ticket out of North Carolina if Cooter reported the movements of Bob Jr to the Sheriff.<\/p>\n
And Cooter, being a tremendous fool, agreed to this plan.<\/p>\n
So Bob Jr and the Duke boys went from town to town and went on preaching!\u00a0 Finally, Bob Jr and the Duke boys stopped off at a DQ and had themselves a cheeseburger and a milkshake.<\/p>\n
Bob Jr took up the cheeseburger, and broke it, “This is my body.\u00a0 It has been given unto you,” he passed the greasy fragments to Bo and Luke, and they took feast, “do this in memory of me.”<\/p>\n
Then Bob Jr took his milkshake, changed his mind, and ordered a soda instead.\u00a0 He held the soda up to the neon portrait of Dennis the Menace, “This is my blood…damnit…”\u00a0 He angrily called the waitress back, and ordered a soda with no ice.\u00a0 A few moments later, the soda was brought out to him.\u00a0 Once again, Bob Jr held the soda up to Dennis the Menace, “This is my blood,”\u00a0 he took a sip, and passed it to Bo and Luke, “do this in memory of me.”<\/p>\n
“Shit man…” Luke said, “You’re crazy…but you’re damn cool… Yah-hoo!!”\u00a0 he drank of the Lord.<\/p>\n
“The Lord, Our BOB, sayeth unto you, my children.\u00a0 Do not – ”<\/p>\n
At that moment, the doors burst open, and Sheriff Caiaphas leaped in with the entire State Police Force.<\/p>\n
“What the -” Bob Jr growled, standing up.\u00a0 The state troopers tackled him, and dragged him off, screaming, to the cruiser outside.
\n“No one move!” Sheriff Caiaphas ordered, nervously shaking his gun.\u00a0 He backed up slowly, as Bo and Luke ran, whimpering, out the back door.\u00a0 Caiaphas turned to Cooter, “Good job, kid.\u00a0 You’ll be well rewarded for this!”<\/p>\n
Cooter sniffed, “What have I done?” he slurred.<\/p>\n
“You inbred bastard!\u00a0 You just sold out the Son of BOB!” an onlooker screamed.<\/p>\n
“I…I…” Cooter ran from the scene, wailing and pulling at his hair.<\/p>\n
And so Bob Jr was taken before the Viking ruler of North Carolina – Vleg the Vlorgon.<\/p>\n
“Vat is the meaning of this-a?” Vleg asked in his Scandinavian accent.<\/p>\n
“This man claims to be King of the Hebos!\u00a0 It goes against Viking rule!\u00a0 You must kill him!” Caiaphas said reverently.<\/p>\n
“I canna kill-a a man with-a no crime.” Vleg replied.<\/p>\n
“But he called your mother a pillowcase with wings…and he called her a BOBdamned whore who leaned up against the wall with land lubbers and spread her legs for Englishmen!”<\/p>\n
“Did he-a call-a my mother a whore after, er, before-a a pillowcase-a?” Vleg asked.<\/p>\n
“Um…” Caiaphas thought about this one, “before…?”<\/p>\n
“Ah-so!” Vleg called out, “we will-a have to kill him, then!”<\/p>\n
“Yep.”\u00a0 Caiaphas smiled, and released Bob Jr into the tender care of the brutal Viking prison wardens.<\/p>\n
Bob Jr was taken to a hill and nailed to a pickup truck.\u00a0 Two others were with him.<\/p>\n
Bob Jr said, “BOB, forgive them, they are all fools.\u00a0 Just kill – ” and Bob Jr proceeded to list off 808 names of those who had crossed him, ” – but spare the rest.\u00a0 Well…spare those who are cool.\u00a0 Well…I’ll decide when I get up there.\u00a0 Ow.\u00a0 Ow…”<\/p>\n
The people stood there watching, and the leaders of Hazzard County jeered.\u00a0 They said, “Let him produce the fluffy flagrance of the film!”<\/p>\n
Bob Jr then passed into oblivion.\u00a0 And the skies turned purple to absorb his remains.\u00a0 The people gathered were awed by this spectacle, and they all said,<\/p>\n
“Truly this was the Son of BOB – oh shit, what have we done?!”<\/p>\n
Caiaphas was sentenced to death, along with a number of other high authorities.\u00a0 The people then covered up the whole story and pretended that it never happened.<\/p>\n
But!\u00a0 Three women went unto the shallow grave in the woods where Bob Jr had been hidden.\u00a0 And there they found that the grave had been dug up by animals, and Bob Jr was gone.\u00a0 They met there a bear, who licked its chops and said, “Why is it you look for the dead when I have eaten him?”<\/p>\n
They ran in fear, and assumed that Bob Jr had been mutilated.\u00a0 The thought never crossed their minds that it was odd to have met a talking bear.<\/p>\n
In fact, the bear had taken upon itself the spirit of Bob Jr after having devoured the corpse.<\/p>\n
On that same day, two of the women were walking to the supermarket when a bear fell into step with them.\u00a0 Before the bear fornicated with them, he said unto them, “Weep not, for Bob Jr has died for your sins!”<\/p>\n
Much, much, much later, a bear appeared unto Bo and Luke, who were hiding in a garage.\u00a0 The bear said unto them, “I have brought you bacon!\u00a0 Wear it upon your heads as The Tongues of Bacon!\u00a0 Yum…”\u00a0 and with that, the bear ascended into Bob Heavens (where there is unrealistic sausage).\u00a0 It looked pretty damn silly, too!\u00a0 A big old bear rising helplessly into orbit…Damn Straight!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,131,116],"class_list":["post-503","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-bobsels","tag-new-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/503","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=503"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/503\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":798,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/503\/revisions\/798"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=503"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=503"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=503"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}