<\/p>\n
The Bobsel According to
\nLUKE DUKE<\/p>\n
Introduction (1993): There once was a man called Norm, direct blood-line descendant of King Sal.\u00a0 Norm was a carpenter, the best in Hazzard County.\u00a0 He had his own PBS TV show.\u00a0 His wife, embarrassingly known as Marilyn the Virgin, was a simple country girl.<\/p>\n A time came when Boss Hogg, the evil Viking leader, organized a census of all the people of Hazzard County, and Norm and Marilyn had to camp out in a Sani-John outside Cooter’s garage.\u00a0 One night, a glowing figure appeared to Marilyn.\u00a0 He looked very cool, and he wore shades and a big badge that said:\u00a0 “Bob Jr is coming”.\u00a0 The following is their conversation:<\/p>\n “Hi, babe!”<\/p>\n “Oh my!\u00a0 An angelic vision.\u00a0 You’re so bright – can I borrow those sunglasses?”<\/p>\n “Of course,” at which point he generously gave her his ultra-cool sunglasses.<\/p>\n “So why come to me, oh shining dude?”<\/p>\n “Well, it goes like this:\u00a0 I’m the archangel Crabriel, God BOB’s right hand man.\u00a0 We’re up there in Bob Heavens (where there is funky sausage) and we notice how boring the world’s gotten recently.\u00a0 We need some sort of ultimate messenger of funkiness here on Earth.\u00a0 We chose you to give birth to the son of BOB.”<\/p>\n “I think my husband’ll be jealous.\u00a0 But, then again, losing it to God BOB is a great privilege.”<\/p>\n “Sorry honey, there’s no actual sex involved in this.\u00a0 BOB can impregnate women at a distance; such is His manliness.”<\/p>\n “Oh, well…how long will this take?”<\/p>\n “It’s done, honey.\u00a0 Remember, don’t give this kid a dopey name like Victor or Egbert.\u00a0 His name’s Bob Jr.”<\/p>\n And so it was that Marilyn the Virgin became pregnant with the most holy seed of BOB.<\/p>\n A while later the same angel, wearing funky, purple-tinted sunglasses, appeared to Marilyn’s sister Liza.\u00a0 The angel told Liza that she, too, was pregnant.\u00a0 Liza was a down and out singer who was struggling to save her career.<\/p>\n The angel said unto her, “Hey, doll.\u00a0 You’ve got one wild family now, you know that?\u00a0 You, my dear, are now pregnant with a holy child:\u00a0 Nohj the Bobist.”<\/p>\n Many miles away in the city of Raleigh, three wise air traffic controllers saw an unusual blip on their radar screens.\u00a0 They thought that an uncharted plane might have crashed, so they located the blip and found it to be in Hazzard County.\u00a0 They set off immediately, bearing gifts of Cheez Whiz, Cinnabons, and Kielbasa in case they had to feed an injured plane crew.\u00a0 After three days and three nights (one for each of them), they reached Hazzard County and found the site of their unusual blip.<\/p>\n There, in a Sani-John, an infant lay swaddled in flannel.<\/p>\n “That’s not a plane,” One of the wise-men wisely noted.<\/p>\n “Ahem…” the chief wise-man said unto Marilyn.<\/p>\n “What are you doing here?” she asked.<\/p>\n “We are three wise men from the Raleigh National Airport.\u00a0 We have come on a long journey, following The Unusual Blip. And here,” he gestured to the sky, where a neon blip glowed, “we have found The Unusual Blip.\u00a0 We have brought gifts for you and your injured plane crew.”<\/p>\n The wise men gave unto the child of BOB the gifts for The Injured Plane Crew, then left abruptly because it was really an NTSB matter and they were operating way outside of their jurisdiction.<\/p>\n “Who the hell were they?” Norm belched.<\/p>\n And so the child grew to be a wonderfully cool and studly man.\u00a0 He was baptized and tempted, and began to preach the word of BOB.\u00a0 Now, at this time, Luke and his brother Bo were in the General, playing games with Sheriff Tony P. Caiaphas.\u00a0 The Sheriff was a little upset that day…<\/p>\n “I’ll get them Duke boys!” Caiaphas screamed madly, chasing after them.\u00a0 Then, suddenly, the Duke boys made a jump that Caiaphas had no hope of matching.\u00a0 He spun through the air and smashed into a lake.\u00a0 Remarkably, he was unscathed.<\/p>\n So the Duke boys were heading back to Uncle Zachariah’s house when a man stepped out into the road.\u00a0 The man looked like a city-slicker, but the Duke boys stopped anyway.<\/p>\n “Whatcha need?” asked Luke.<\/p>\n “Come and follow me,” the man spoke, “and you shall be one hell of a lot cooler.”<\/p>\n The Duke boys shrugged, overwhelmed by this man’s coolness.\u00a0 They allowed him to get in the General, and drove him to visit the masses.<\/p>\n The man introduced himself as Bob Jr, and spoke unto the Duke boys, making them realize their foolish ways.\u00a0 Bob Jr said unto them, “Remove the country music from the radio,” and Luke quickly removed the tape and tossed it out the window.\u00a0 Then Bob Jr reached forward and placed within the cassette player a real high quality tape.<\/p>\n The General made it down the back roads, blasting Hendrix and seeming to rock with overwhelming Bobliness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,131,116],"class_list":["post-501","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-bobsels","tag-new-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/501","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=501"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/501\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":803,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/501\/revisions\/803"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=501"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=501"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=501"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nThe Bobsel According to Luke Duke was written many years after the birth of Bob Jr.\u00a0 The author, Luke Duke, was a confeder\u00adate licensed by the new government to retell the story of Bob Jr as he believed it to have happened.\u00a0 Of course, the result was a little upsetting.\u00a0 However, as all the original Bobsels were lost, Luke Duke’s Bobsel was added to confuse and confound the world with false information.<\/em><\/p>\n