{"id":43,"date":"2008-03-08T16:51:53","date_gmt":"2008-03-08T21:51:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=43"},"modified":"2018-10-31T15:07:42","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T19:07:42","slug":"atomic-women","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=43","title":{"rendered":"Atomic Women"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sometimes I think it\u2019d be nice to have a woman around. <\/span>But then I think of the times a woman has been around, and that makes me think of how much toilet paper, Q-tips, and other essentials they consume.<\/p>\n

So are women worth what they cost in toilet paper and Q-tips? <\/span>(Two vital toiletries that I steal from my weekend job by the cartload?) <\/span>No, not really.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Speaking of stealing from jobs, I was doing my taxes the other day, and sorting out my woeful finances, and little things struck me. <\/span>I haven\u2019t bought printer paper in about 13 years. <\/span>I\u2019ve never bought toilet paper. <\/span>My weekend job is at a big mansion that they rent out to weddings, and there\u2019s a room in the basement full of toilet paper and paper towels that I\u2019ve been pilfering from since 1991, when I was first hired. <\/span>I always have around 50 rolls on hand. <\/span><\/p>\n

When it comes to stealing from work, I\u2019m not one of these Post-it notes and paperclip people. <\/span>I believe in seizing the day. <\/span>If there\u2019s something to steal, then you should steal all of it. <\/span>Tomorrow, there may be a lock on the door. <\/span>Or maybe a co-worker will beat you to the punch. <\/span>Or maybe there\u2019s a hidden camera in the ceiling. <\/span>It\u2019d be pretty stupid to get fired over a packet of Post-its. <\/span>But to get fired over a lifetime supply? <\/span>A vanload? <\/span>No problem.<\/p>\n

The other day, I finally stole a fire extinguisher. <\/span>That was all thanks to a friend of mine, who saved his house and beautiful wife with one a while back. <\/span>There have been times when I\u2019ve debated stealing a car from my weekend job, but I think that would be tough to hide. <\/span>If I were a savvy criminal, I\u2019m sure stealing a 1990 Ford pickup would be a breeze. <\/span>But I\u2019m not savvy, and the pickup is probably worth about 30 bucks, so I don\u2019t know what to do. <\/span>Every time I close up the house after an event, though, I stare at the keys in the main office and dream of greater theft.<\/p>\n

So back to women. <\/span>Toilet paper and Q-tips cost me nothing, but it\u2019s an issue of having other people consume things that, regardless, belong to me. <\/span>I like to think I\u2019m in touch with my monkey brain. <\/span>This is my pool of stagnant water and, yes, I will defend it with my life. <\/span>Mainly because I like owning this pool of stagnant water, but also because I\u2019m bored and angry.<\/p>\n

The other problem I encounter when living with a woman is that they\u2019re needy. <\/span>More so than pets. <\/span>I don\u2019t keep pets, even though I enjoy dogs and think cats are cute. <\/span>It\u2019s kind of like kids\u2026 I\u2019m quite attached to my friend\u2019s three kids but, fuck, they can go out the window if they start to step out of line. <\/span>Dogs are fun, except I hate it when they bark uselessly and I despise having to walk them. <\/span>If I ever have dogs, it\u2019ll be because I have a big wooded lot out in the country where they\u2019ll be outside all the time. <\/span>And they\u2019ll be trained to only bark when people are approaching suspiciously. <\/span><\/p>\n

And to kill the meter man, which is something my grandfather did with one of his dogs. <\/span>Pepco had to make an appointment to read the meter at his house \u2013 adhering to my grandfather\u2019s bizarre schedule. <\/span>They\u2019d call, say they were sending out a meter reader, and my grandfather would always say, well, won\u2019t be free till after 10pm! <\/span><\/p>\n

Why did Pepco give in to that insanity? <\/span>Because my grandfather, up until 1995, raised champion <\/st1>Newfoundlands<\/st1>. <\/span>When a 200 pound black dog comes bearing down on you, you pay attention. <\/span>One meter reader found himself perched on the roof of my grandfather\u2019s Buick for two hours while the <\/st1>Newfoundland<\/st1> \u2013 front paws flat up on the hood \u2013 made damn sure he didn\u2019t move.<\/p>\n

Oddly enough, the lawsuit, after a meter reader was bit, went in my grandfather\u2019s favor. <\/span>Our family has good lawyers. <\/span>Which is a bad thing.<\/p>\n

<\/st1>Newfoundlands<\/st1>, by the way, are impossibly kind and loving dogs. <\/span>It just happens that, when my grandfather wasn\u2019t breeding and showing them, he\u2019d take in the weird-ass ones. <\/span>Mutants, cripples, and one \u2013 <\/st1>Sheba<\/st1> \u2013 who was a wolf mix. <\/span>Yes, a fucking wolf. <\/span>A wolf in a 200 pound frame with black shaggy hair.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve always found <\/st1>Newfoundlands<\/st1> to be disturbingly agile. <\/span>My grandfather\u2019s house sat on an acre and a half, so you\u2019d be on the porch looking all the way up at this black dog hugging the property line, then you\u2019d look away for a second and, when next you looked up, the goddamn dog would be sitting there at the edge of the porch. <\/span>Woof. <\/span>I\u2019m the devil.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m talking about needy pets. <\/span>Forgive me, I\u2019ve been drinking for several hours, because that\u2019s what pre-middle-age men do on Saturdays. <\/span>Cats annoy me even more. <\/span>I find them fuzzy and cute, but they\u2019re about as goddamn needy as a retard tied to your shin. <\/span>Plus cats make people stupid, stink the place up, and eat the corpse of their master. <\/span>Dogs won\u2019t eat their masters. <\/span>They\u2019ll raise up a fuss until a neighbor calls the cops. <\/span>Cats, they just chow down. <\/span>Meat is meat, bitch!<\/p>\n

The atheist\u2019s amoung us may agree, but, still, eating a Human body is nasty. <\/span>We eat cows and chickens because they have it coming.<\/p>\n

In general, pets are useless. <\/span>I like plants. <\/span>You don\u2019t really need to take care of them. <\/span>Water, food, whatever. <\/span>That\u2019s easy. <\/span>If you\u2019re going to binge on gin for three days and crawl around naked in pools of vomit, plants don\u2019t get in your way. <\/span>They don\u2019t care. <\/span>And they certainly don\u2019t start lapping at your gin vomit.<\/p>\n

How many times have I lain out naked on the floor, painfully whispering to a dog: <\/span>\u201cStop\u2026eating\u2026my\u2026vomit\u2026\u201d? <\/span>More than you\u2019d care to know.<\/p>\n

Women. <\/span>At least they\u2019re people, too. <\/span>This means that they can comprehend when you\u2019re screaming at them not to lap up your vomit. <\/span>Many folks say that women are wired differently. <\/span>I have a different theory: <\/span>I think they use more of their brains. <\/span><\/p>\n

Oh, that\u2019s good, eh? <\/span>Smarter and better, eh? <\/span>No. <\/span>Doesn\u2019t work that way. <\/span>See, our brains are crazy.<\/p>\n

By the way, the whole \u201cwe use 10% of our brains\u201d thing is a myth perpetrated by the entertainment spoon-benders, which is basic street magic that anyone can learn. <\/span>We use all of our brains, it\u2019s just that the male mind knows what\u2019s important \u2013 sex, food, booze, fire hot \u2013 and the female mind is hopelessly distracted \u2013 tree pretty, shiny pretty, smell pretty, blue, purple, pretty, accumulate wealth, I\u2019m really in control of the kingdom… <\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a hard thing to trust someone who has the perfect storm combination of an opposable thumb, an ambitious mind, and a violently destructive world-view.<\/p>\n

I am long of the opinion that every weapon invented started with a woman. <\/span>Like when they blew up the first bomb at Trinity, what Oppenheimer said, instead of quoting the Gita, was probably, \u201cMy wife was right.\u201d<\/p>\n

Or lover. <\/span>He was married to a radical anarchist, and kept a crazed communist psych student from Stanford on the side. <\/span>Tell me, with the two insane women in Oppenheimer\u2019s life, that it\u2019s not one of them who really pioneered the atomic bomb. <\/span>A man isn\u2019t capable of that destruction. <\/span><\/p>\n

Back to my grandfather. <\/span>After the war, he was a leading research chemist for the first nuclear powered sub, which launched in the \u201850\u2019s. <\/span>Here\u2019s how men do it \u2013 they used to play with the uranium. <\/span>They\u2019d put radioactive rods in each other\u2019s lunchboxes, lockers, and shoes. <\/span>Ha, ha, Bill, got you!<\/p>\n

About 80% of the staff who worked on that first sub were dead within 25 years. <\/span>My grandfather suffers from skin cancer, which they take care of each year with lasers and surgery, though he blames that on a road trip to Disneyland<\/st1> in the \u201860\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Now imagine if this were a woman\u2019s world. <\/span>First off, we would have had a nuclear sub around 1900. <\/span>Because women would have been all: \u201cI\u2019m gonna go split this atom, okay.\u201d And men, living a life of leisure, would have been all: \u201cYep, okay. <\/span>Don\u2019t wake me when you come back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then the women would have gone out, split the atom, quoted the Gita, then had a Tupperware party, then probably smack together a bomb before midnight. <\/span>Then they\u2019d go home and, of course, wake the man by being all cooing and horny. <\/span>Sister, it\u2019s the goddamned AM. <\/span>There\u2019d better be anal in this offer because, otherwise, sshh. <\/span>Sleepytime.<\/p>\n

Nuclear subs would be patrolling the waters before World War I, because women wouldn\u2019t spend a decade fucking around. <\/span>They\u2019d get it done as quickly as possible, and with extreme safety because they have to protect their hair and nails and teeth. <\/span>Give a man a radioactive control rod and he\u2019ll put it in on his forehead and run around saying he\u2019s a unicorn.<\/p>\n

Steve, that there\u2019s burning through your flesh I think!<\/p>\n

HAHAHA! <\/span>GET ME A BEER!<\/p>\n

Okay, Steve, but\u2026I don\u2019t know\u2026<\/p>\n

Luckily for us, women have been relegated to second class status. <\/span>They had a few brief moments where they fought back but, in the enlightened 21st<\/sup> C., they\u2019re on par with particularly tame zoo animals. <\/span>Thank god they\u2019ve turned their backs on what their parents (in their youth), and their great grenadparents, tried to do. <\/span>Though whenever I talk to a woman, I can hear thousands of suffragettes murdered by torture and force-feeding turning in their unmarked graves.<\/p>\n

Perhaps that\u2019s why I have trouble with women. <\/span>Like our parents, they\u2019ve given up. <\/span>They\u2019ve embraced the sick culture of modern society. <\/span>They\u2019ve failed. <\/span>Our parents were defeated by Nixon. <\/span>Women have simply defeated themselves.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sometimes I think it\u2019d be nice to have a woman around. But then I think of the times a woman has been around, and that makes me think of how much toilet paper, Q-tips, and other essentials they consume. So …<\/p>\n

Atomic Women<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,5],"tags":[244,160],"class_list":["post-43","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lush","category-rants","tag-atomic","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=43"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1210,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43\/revisions\/1210"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=43"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=43"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=43"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}