When I was a kid I had a recurring dream that I could travel on my farts. Like, I\u2019d be able to hover in the air and even fly powered entirely by farts. I\u2019d be able to fart my way across oceans and travel the world. I could go anywhere. There was actually a bit of a narrative to these dreams, and they developed over the years. Initially, I hovered on my farts, cross-legged like an Indian guru. People came to me to seek advice since, obviously, I had a very special power. From atop my column of constant farts I would bless children, heal the sick, and advise world leaders.
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Then, one day, I decided to see England. So I turned myself sideways and started farting my way east across the ocean. For weeks, my dreams of farting across the ocean were all blue water and frightening storms. I encountered hurricanes and huge swells. I buzzed close to the masts of ships and travelled miles and miles over the water. These dreams were sometimes scary. Since my parents pretended to kill me on a lake when I was about six, I\u2019ve always had a phobia of water. Being alone, low over the endless waves, with nothing but my fart column to keep me alive, I feared what might happen if I ran out of farts. I\u2019d plummet into the water, get washed away by the powerful ocean, and I\u2019d never be seen again.<\/p>\n
But, eventually, I made it to England. At the time, in my mind\u2019s eye, England was comprised of either quarries and industrial buildings from British sci-fi, or the idyllic, hazy countryside of Robin of Sherwood<\/em> and Survivors<\/em>. So, in my dreams, I was on those sets, buzzing over those same filming locations. I was visiting Portmeirion, the setting for The Prisoner<\/em>, or I was moving through suburban neighborhoods inspired by dozens of Britcoms. <\/p>\n My farts took me other places, too. I saw the Taj Mahal, Red Square, the pyramids, the Nazca lines\u2026 Sometimes I relaxed in a pub, or on a beach. Sometimes I would spend weeks or months in one location, once again settling yogi-like on a column of farts to receive supplicants.<\/p>\n The dreams stopped when I decided to see if I could leave the planet. If I could fart my way through the sea of stars and explore new worlds. It was actually quite sad. I wanted to leave the Earth. Why would the dreams stop when I was just about to try out the ultimate adventure? <\/p>\n They say you can\u2019t die in your dreams. That you\u2019ll wake up before that happens. I\u2019ve wondered, in recent years, if, for several months during my childhood, I had a prolonged series of dreams where I was dying of farting. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When I was a kid I had a recurring dream that I could travel on my farts. Like, I\u2019d be able to hover in the air and even fly powered entirely by farts. I\u2019d be able to fart my way …<\/p>\n