Parable of the Bonsai<\/em><\/p>\nThere gathered many people on a hillside to hear the teacher speak, and when Bob Jr stepped up to the podium there arose a great cheer! The BOB-con was in full swing, and Bob Jr delivered his speech to the adoring fans. \u201cThere once was an old Chinaman who grew bonsai and raped eight year old girls in order to achieve continued health. This Chinaman had a son, who had become a born-again freak and preached of false gods to this Chinaman who, himself, did not believe in BOB. Finally, the Chinaman decided that only BOB could be the real God. But first he would have to test it. He took four bonsai, and over each he prayed for the redemption of his number one son\u2019s soul. The first bonsai he urinated upon, as the Old Testicle scriptures say. He then shaped the second bonsai to spell out the name of BOB as it appears in the ancient Chinese texts. He took the third bonsai and put it outside to be exposed to the elements. The fourth bonsai, a particularly hardy tree, possessed the ultimate answer – and, truly, it was BOB who spoke through this fourth bonsai\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cCalling upon his son, the Chinaman waited for the Volvo to pull into the driveway. When his son came in and approached the old man, the ancient swung the bonsai around and began smashing the fuck out of the boy!\u201d Bob Jr took a deep breath and a swig from a coke bottle, filled with heavily spiked grapefruit juice. \u201cBOBdamnit!\u201d he suddenly shouted, \u201cDo you get the point!\u201d<\/p>\n
He turned to Werdna. \u201cHow was that, brother Werdna?\u201d<\/p>\n
Werdna clenched his teeth and looked fearfully at the crowd, \u201cActually, Little Bob, we\u2019re trying to steer away from the beating people routine. You may also want to lay off the raping children routine too.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bob Jr nodded, \u201cI think I was born at the wrong time, Werdna\u2026 I\u2019ll try another.\u201d He then turned to the flustered looking crowd and raised his arm\u2019s up. He shouted out unto them, \u201cBOB\u2019s in da fucking house, man! You got that shit, kids? BOB\u2019s here and we\u2019re gonna read you some fucking stories!\u201d<\/p>\n
Sade leaned over to Werdna, \u201cShould we get him outta here\u2026.?\u201d<\/p>\n
Werdna shook his head, \u201cThey love him when he\u2019s loaded. Just watch out for the authorities.\u201d
\nBJ went on to tell a number of other parables, but his increasingly drunk state eventually made it so that his words dissolved into an incoherent babble. The people still lapped it up, though, struggling to take in every word just like fans of Bob Dylan. Finally, his disciples dragged him from the show and threw him back on the boat. BJ and his crew had been staying on a small manmade island in the middle of a nearby lake. They had almost made it there when a squall blew up, and all of the followers of BJ cowered in fear for they could not control the boat. BJ, slobbering drunk by this point, stood up and slurred first at his disciples, \u201cWhat you scared of\u2026just a storm\u2026shit\u2026\u201d Then he shouted into the squall a vicious string of obscenities more horrific than anything they apostles had ever heard before. He was starting to pass out from the exertion when the waves washed him overboard. BJ\u2019s disciples scrambled to the side of the boat, but it was too late and the savior was gone.<\/p>\n
Fortunately, BJ was in such a drunken state that he managed to survive the ordeal and washed up on the shore about an hour later. Sobering up slightly, he crawled to a nearby farmhouse where he was recognized and brought inside.<\/p>\n
The farmer\u2019s name was Jabirus. He was a widower, and could hardly see and hear. His leg had been hurt in the great Geocine Wars fought between the Allied Arab\u2019s Alliance, so he spent much of his time in the living room of the farm house while his seven beautiful and horny daughters tended the farm. Those same daughters took BJ and placed him on a comfortable bed, where they tended to his wounds and dressed him in clean wrappings. When BJ woke up several hours later, he looked up at these seven women. They were too poor to afford proper clothing, so they simply wore rags that hardly hid their luscious, full, and willing bodies. BJ covered his face with both his hands and made small animal sounds, then he peeked out through his fingers. \u201cAre you girls real?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe are, my Lord,\u201d replied the eldest daughter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe found you on the shore of the lake, O Bob. The storm gave you to us.\u201d Replied the eldest.<\/p>\n
\u201cShit, yeah\u2026\u201d BJ muttered. \u201cI rocked the boat. Thank BOB I was drunk, or else that could have been messy.\u201d BJ smiled and patted the side of the bed, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you girls take a seat\u2026yes, all of you\u2026\u201d BJ then proceeded to pleasure each one of the farmer\u2019s daughters, filling them full of his holy Eucharist and penetrating their every willing voids. When he was through, he was still hungry for woman. Having spent the seven girls, he stumbled out into the night and raided the town for young women for nearly three hours before his disciples found him and dragged him back to the boat. It was there, back at the great lake, where Bob Jr stumbled out onto the water. He didn\u2019t know what he was doing, of course, so he kept walking straight out across the water for nearly 100 feet, demanding more alcohol and shouting obscenely at an old grandmother who had come out of her farmhouse with a broom-handle. When she, and BJ\u2019s apostles saw the savior walking on the water, they fell to their knees and said: \u201cHe walks on the lake, it is a miracle\u2026\u201d And, so, the great lake saw two miracles on that most holy night.<\/p>\n
Chapter Three
\nThe Death of Nohj the Rocket-Man<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, Nohj the baptizer and Origen had come back to the holy land. They traveled in disguise so as to elude the authorities, and they approached BJ on his holy island. The island had been heavily fortified, and Nohj had to pass through a number of security checks before he was allowed into Bob\u2019s \u201cpalace\u201d, which was really just a small villa. Bob was trying to play up the Apocalypse Now routine, but that was just because he was really out of his mind on whiskey.<\/p>\n
\u201cBy BOB\u2019s curled toenail,\u201d Nohj cursed, \u201cYou gotta clean yourself up, man!\u201d<\/p>\n
BJ shrugged, \u201cI\u2019m the Son of BOB, man.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nohj shook his head, \u201cWhat\u2019s it gonna take? I heard about that little escapade in the village – you had sex with the entire female population under 32! That was 27 women! In one night\u2026 Of all that\u2019s holy! Do you know what kind of a reputation you\u2019re earning?\u201d<\/p>\n
BJ smiled, \u201cThey love me.\u201d He walked over to the window and looked across the lake at the mountains, \u201cThe people love me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe authorities hate you.\u201d Nohj reminded, \u201cThey\u2019re the one\u2019s who got the guns.\u201d<\/p>\n
BJ shook his head, \u201cI got all I need. I\u2019ll take power, and then I\u2019ll be the one with the guns.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cViva BJ!\u201d somebody yelled in the distance.<\/p>\n
Bob Jr clutched the windowsill and barked at Nohj excitedly, \u201cDo you hear that? They\u2019re training! My army will be ready in six months time\u2026then the world will be mine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nohj and Origen were escorted to the guest house, where they sat down and discussed the situation.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s insane,\u201d Origen noted.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo kidding\u2026\u201d Nohj replied cynically.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought he was supposed to be a great humanitarian\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n
Nohj shrugged, \u201cHe\u2019s certainly not your traditional messiah, that\u2019s for sure. But he\u2019s right about the people loving him, though. You can ask anyone, and they\u2019ll tell you right out that BJ\u2019s a great humanitarian, that he\u2019s a holy man. I don\u2019t know how he does it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have to get him out,\u201d Origen hissed.<\/p>\n
Nohj shrugged, \u201cBut how?\u201d
\nThe next day, Nohj and Origen went to the market. It was here that the spies of King Gustafson lay in wait for the baptizer. King Gustafson was a puppet ruler, in service of the unholy Vikings, and it was his duty to maintain the law. As he could not get to BJ, he decided to strike out at those who were close. Now that Nohj was back in the land, he sent his spies to arrest the baptizer and bring him back to the castle. Nohj, unsuspecting of this and unguarded, was surprised at Tammy\u2019s massage parlor where he was just about to pay $250 for a massage and a blow job from a 13 year old Russian girl. Origen watched from the shadows, and then ran to BJ\u2019s island to tell him of Nohj\u2019s capture.<\/p>\n
Dragged into Gustafson\u2019s court, Nohj faced the king and grinned. \u201cHey Gustafson, how\u2019s things?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are charged with a series of crimes, Nohj.\u201d Gustafson replied, \u2018We\u2019ve been looking for you for some time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat kind of crimes could those possibly be\u2026?\u201d Nohj asked innocently, and then he watched as Gustafson pulled out a long sheet of paper. \u201cOkay, okay. Nevermind. What\u2019s the punishment?\u201d<\/p>\n
Gustafson thought long and hard, \u201cWe have no law to put a man to death unless he talks back to his great king.\u201d Nohj nodded in agreement, which seemed to upset Gustafson. The king continued to fish, \u201cI live in sin, don\u2019t you know.\u201d<\/p>\n
A trick question! Nohj had to think fast. \u201cI am not one to judge my king\u2019s sin.\u201d<\/p>\n
That toadying bastard! Gustafson thought, \u201cI live with my brother, I sleep with his little daughter, and I make his eight year old son whack me off in the bathroom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, and I\u2019m shocked by sexual abuse, eh?\u201d Nohj replied, \u201cLook, what do want me to say.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSay that what I do is wrong,\u201d replied Gustafson.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd then?\u201d Nohj pressed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI cut off your head.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nohj nodded, thinking the deal over. \u201cAnd what if I worship and obey you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hire a madman to hunt you down and eat you, then cut off his head for the crime of murder.\u201d Gustafson replied gleefully.<\/p>\n
\u201cI must admit,\u201d Nohj said, \u201cgiven my options, the latter is quite exciting. If there\u2019s a life after this one, I\u2019d like to be able to say I was eaten by cannibals who, in turn, were put to death by a cruel tyrant. I\u2019ve always respected symmetry, so therefore I choose the second option. I worship and obey you\u2026now let\u2019s be sporting and give me a head start.\u201d<\/p>\n
Gustafson seemed taken aback. He spent a few minutes staring at Nohj, then he looked down at his timepiece. \u201cUm.. Three minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nohj leapt up and ran out of the room.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Oh, thank god. This finishes Kram. And, looking at it for the first time in 13 years, I see that it’s still unfinished. Probably because, even in 96, I knew it sucked beyond reason. But, in the interest of doing …<\/p>\n
The New Testicle II: Kram 96, conclusion<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,131,116],"class_list":["post-429","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-bobsels","tag-new-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/429","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=429"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/429\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":814,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/429\/revisions\/814"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=429"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=429"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=429"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}