{"id":42,"date":"2008-03-06T16:40:28","date_gmt":"2008-03-06T21:40:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=42"},"modified":"2018-10-31T15:07:18","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T19:07:18","slug":"god-is-in-charge","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=42","title":{"rendered":"God is in Charge"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/o>I was in line at the Post Office the other day, sending off my goddamned taxes, when a lady stepped in front of me. <\/span>She said that the clerk told her to get to the front of the line and, when I looked over at him, he nodded. <\/span>Okay. Whatever. <\/span>She turned to me, all crazy-eyed, and said, \u201cI hope I\u2019m not putting you out.\u201d <\/span>I replied that, no, she wasn\u2019t. <\/span>Then I said, indicating the clerk, \u201cHe\u2019s in charge.\u201d<\/p>\n

She laughed, looked up at the ceiling, and replied: <\/span>\u201cActually, God\u2019s in charge.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

God\u2019s in charge of the Post Office, is he? <\/span>I guess that explains why he\u2019s never fucking around, and appears to be such a bitter motherfucking cunt. <\/span>Does that clerk answer directly to God? <\/span>Because what the fuck is with upping the stamp prices all the time? <\/span>Is that some sort of message from God? <\/span>When stamps cost fifty cents, will that be a sign of the rapture?<\/p>\n

The burning bush speaks! <\/span>\u201cTony\u2026send her to the front of the line. <\/span>Encourage them to buy Forever stamps.\u201d<\/p>\n

I hate that fire and brimstone God is my pilot bullshit. <\/span>I always associate it with the black protestant thing, not the vapid-eyed child molester god of the white people. <\/span>That weird Bible Belt \u201cGod gave me cancer\u201d Appalachian attitude. <\/span>No, the blacks have a whole different sort of God. <\/span>Not only did he give you cancer \u2013 amen, glory to him \u2013 but he runs the Post Office \u2013 praise be his name, hallelujah.<\/p>\n

I make a racial distinction here, but it\u2019s not that one is better than the other. <\/span>Blacks may treat Christianity like a cargo cult, but whites use God as an excuse for genocide. <\/span>Tough to say which is better. <\/span>On the one hand, cargo cults can be strangely comforting in that \u2018I\u2019ll never grow up\u2019 way. <\/span>On the other hand, genocide\u2019s an awful lot of fun. <\/span>I don\u2019t mean the messy part of genocide \u2013 camps and ovens and mass graves and so on. <\/span>I\u2019m more a fan of the administrative side. <\/span><\/p>\n

I could go on about my plans for committing genocide \u2013 in my case, I won\u2019t fool around with any particular subset of people, I want to kill everyone \u2013 but I\u2019ve become distracted by a phone call I just received at my idiot day job, where I\u2019ve spent much of the day planning how to murder a certain co-worker who just gave me extra work. <\/span>Fancy-pants doctor calls, writing an article about another fancy pants doctor for a magazine, and he wants to know if his subject is still alive. <\/span><\/p>\n

Round and round we go. <\/span>The person is not in the member directory, so I have nothing to contribute. <\/span>But that seems to enrage the customer and he starts ranting. Which is when I should have said: <\/span>God\u2019s in charge! <\/span><\/p>\n

He tells me that it\u2019ll be an awful fuck-up if he says the person is dead and she isn\u2019t. <\/span>How can he find out! <\/span>Oh! <\/span>Woe! (He’s writing an article on her.)<\/p>\n

Something was nagging me, as my finger hovered over the button that would release the call. <\/span>I asked when the person in question was born.<\/p>\n

Not even a pause: <\/span>\u201c1889.\u201d<\/p>\n

After a verbal spit-take, where I had him repeat the date a couple of times, I told the customer that it was safe to assume that the person was deceased. <\/span>But then he really flipped out \u2013 You can\u2019t assume that! <\/span>Many people have lived to be 120 before! <\/span>(I looked it up \u2013 only two people on record have made it to 120. <\/span>Some lady, who dropped at 122, and a Japanese guy whose age of 120, when he died, is disputed because he was using a fake birth certificate.)<\/p>\n

I get calls like this all the time. <\/span>Not that particular topic, thankfully, but certainly of that same level of stupidity and\/or insanity. <\/span>Another call I get all the time (along with several of my co-workers) is a hang-up\/heavy breather. <\/span>And because I don\u2019t like psychopaths calling me up and breathing into the phone, I\u2019ll tell you who he is. <\/span>H. Wilson of <\/st1>Washington<\/st1>, DC<\/st1>. Yes, Mr. Pervert, we have caller ID.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s probably some 120 year old guy who is breathless after dialing our number 17 times a day. <\/span>And praise our great Lord for letting him live so long. <\/span>Perhaps God will let me live that long. <\/span>I asked the postal clerk, but he just told me to buy Forever stamps.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was in line at the Post Office the other day, sending off my goddamned taxes, when a lady stepped in front of me. She said that the clerk told her to get to the front of the line and, …<\/p>\n

God is in Charge<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[111,87],"class_list":["post-42","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants","tag-commentary","tag-religion"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=42"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1215,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42\/revisions\/1215"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=42"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=42"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=42"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}