Thanks to the watch instantly option at Netflix, I\u2019m able to spend most of my time at work slack-jawed and staring at my second monitor, which is cleverly tilted away from the door of my not-quite-private office. I get to work at about 8:30 and that whistle don\u2019t blow till around six so, in the end, I\u2019ve plenty of time to kill. I should be writing shit for the GS front page, or elsewhere, but why do that when I can rewatch the classics?<\/p>\n
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Currently, I\u2019m watching Tim Burton\u2019s Batman<\/em> and remembering how stoked I was when it first came out. Though now I wonder why the tourist family decides to cut through a dark alleyway to find a cab. But the problems don\u2019t really begin until the proto-meth heads get fucked up by Michael Keaton. I could never buy him as Batman. And was just plain confused by Billy Dee Williams \u2013 clearly twisted on Colt 45 \u2013 trying to do Harvey Dent. Meanwhile, Nicholson, while amazing, was really just calling that performance in, wasn\u2019t he? Batman<\/em> is, in my opinion, the first movie where he gave up. Just show up high every day and ad lib, Jack! No problem. Send the check to my Malibu house and, this weekend, I\u2019ll be filming The Two Jakes<\/em> with both eyes closed while in a coma.<\/p>\n The Tim Burton fantasy glitz is what hurt Batman<\/em>. Saved only by an unusual restraint on his part, Nicholson\u2019s touched acting ability, and Sam Hamm\u2019s surprisingly enjoyable script. Of course, he\u2019s the guy who brought us the sublime Never Cry Wolf<\/em>, and introduced a storyline into the franchise (through the comics) that would later inspire Batman Begins<\/em>. The Sam Hamm Batman Circle! Still, though, it\u2019s dangerously close to the hideous Dick Tracy<\/em>.<\/p>\n Jack Palance ruined his career with Ripley\u2019s Believe it or Not<\/em>. Having him on board as Boss Grissom is about as distracting as someone blowing an airhorn throughout his scenes. You just want him to turn to the camera and breathlessly say \u201cBelieve it\u2026or not!\u201d Or maybe do showy push-ups with one arm while delivering his lines.<\/p>\n And is Commissioner Gordon a bit too touchy? When the cop comes to the party to tell him about the robbery at Axis Chemicals, he\u2019s all over that poor guy.<\/p>\n But let\u2019s move on to what makes Batman<\/em> immortal\u2026 Yep, you guessed it. Kim Basinger. Or, as my friend in high school would always say, \u201cKim My Cock Basinger.\u201d Definite early crush territory there. Even though she teased us with nudity for ages\u2026 Not like Nicole Kidman who was doing weird, violent, highly erotic sex scenes as soon as she was old enough. God, the rape scene in Dead Calm<\/em> still has me hot and bothered. That\u2019s one of those scenes where you feel guilty for being aroused because it\u2019s so terrible but, god, it\u2019s young Nicole Kidman in break-away short shorts!<\/p>\n Now I\u2019m trying to think of who my first movie star crush was\u2026 That steamy scene with a very young Valentino Vargas in 1986\u2019s The Name of the Rose<\/em> often comes to mind. But I\u2019ll probably have to settle on 1983\u2019s The Hunger<\/em>, which came out right when I was about to launch headlong into puberty. Insane lesbian sex with Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon? Yes please! David Bowie slaughtering a young Ann Magnuson while Bauhaus rocked the soundtrack? Just what a growing boy needs. The same year threw out that amazing sex scene with Rebecca De Morney in Risky Business<\/em> (back when Tom Cruise was tall) and was followed so closely by Revenge of the Nerds<\/em> in 1984 with the infamous beaver shot. By the time we got to Joyce Hyser\u2019s boinging boobs (to use my mid-80\u2019s vernacular) in 1985\u2019s Just One of the Guys<\/em>, I was getting used to nudity. It took weird fetish scenes like in The Name of the Rose<\/em> and Dead Calm<\/em> to get the blood going again. I\u2019m not happy unless Catherine Deneuve has her nose buried in the crotch of America\u2019s favorite mousy girl, or Nicole Kidman is getting what she deserves (based on her later film rolls).<\/p>\n I\u2019m off topic. How\u2019d I get here? From Kim Basinger\u2019s Batman<\/em> legs and poor taste in clothes to monks molesting Valentino Vargas! God, I miss the 80\u2019s. We don\u2019t have girls like that anymore. Monica Bellucci upsets me because her rape scene in Irreversible<\/em> is so violent and horrific you can\u2019t actually sit through it. If you did, then you\u2019re fucked up and I should put your eyes out. It\u2019s so graphic that I can\u2019t look straight at her in anything else.<\/p>\n Lena Headey might count as a current crush but, oddly, I like her better when her clothes are on. Which is the opposite where Gina Torres is concerned. How wonderful was it to get that ass shot in The Shield<\/em>, eh? I want the cast of Cleopatra 2525<\/em> to have a huge on-screen Caligula-like orgy for three or four hours. I\u2019d pay fake IMAX prices for that!<\/p>\n TV crushes are different than movie crushes because you have to fall in love with them while they\u2019re fully clothed. Which is good, because all of my first TV crushes are little girls. Like that chick from Out of This World<\/em> and, of course, V.I.C.K.I.<\/p>\n But, really. Back to Batman<\/em>. I\u2019m going to soak in this two hour plus movie featuring Prince phoning in a soundtrack from his bathroom, Michael Keaton muttering his way through every line, space-age gadgets and technology circa 1947, and Jack Nicholson showing the ever-increasing symptoms of somebody on a serious PCP binge. When he shoots Bob, there\u2019s almost this feeling that even that was ad-libbed. That, after a point, the entire movie is some sort of improv adventure. And, while I watch, I\u2019ll think of Catherine Deneuve eating out Kim Basinger while Rosanna Arquette takes her from behind with a strap-on.<\/p>\n Oh! And to avoid the Bedazzled<\/em> trap, I\u2019ll specify that all three women in that situation should be as they were in the 1980\u2019s, not 2009.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Thanks to the watch instantly option at Netflix, I\u2019m able to spend most of my time at work slack-jawed and staring at my second monitor, which is cleverly tilted away from the door of my not-quite-private office. I get to …<\/p>\n