I don\u2019t actually keep a dream diary, but everytime I jerk awake, rush to the computer, and type one out I save it as \u201cdream diary\u201d and with the date.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll eventually post those unedited 3am summaries.\u00a0 But the dream I had last night was a doozy.\u00a0 It\u2019s 6am on a rainy Sunday\u2026 No way I can get back to bed, so I\u2019m operating on about four hours of sleep and a burning need for coffee and breakfast\u2026and, instead, I\u2019m writing a post for GS.\u00a0 Because that\u2019s how dedicated I am.\u00a0 You may now touch me.<\/p>\n
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The dream picks up at some point deep into World War III, which is exactly like World War II.\u00a0 Everyone\u2019s at war with Germany, and even the uniforms are the same.\u00a0 I\u2019m a POW, and in this huge camp that looks a lot like the underworld city in Demolition Man<\/em> that Denis Leary ran.\u00a0 (Interesting sidebar \u2013 Leary\u2019s character, \u201cEdgar Friendly,\u201d is a sort of update of \u201cFriend\u201d in Zardoz<\/em>, who was also instrumental in assisting our main character undo a complacent society.)<\/p>\n Anyway, at the POW camp, every single prisoner is assigned to an individual guard and lives with them domestically.\u00a0 My guard was Adolf Hitler, now a very old man living in secret, and his manservant lover.\u00a0 Hitler slept all the time and made me cook complicated meals, so I was always slaving away in the kitchen.<\/p>\n Then the war ended and the guards all fled the camp, except for Hitler who was sleeping because he\u2019s an old fuddy duddy.\u00a0 I kill his little minion, and then I make my way up to where Hitler\u2019s sleeping and kill him.\u00a0 I\u2019m chained to him by handcuffs\u2026 I guess they stretched out all over the house so I could do chores.<\/p>\n For a while, we\u2019re all stuck in the POW camp.\u00a0 But my fellow prisoners all get wind that I\u2019m chained to a dead Hitler so, to kill time, they come by to spit on his body, and I start charging them blowjobs in exchange for a five minute viewing.\u00a0 Then I feel guilty because I\u2019m getting prison blowjobs from men even though the war\u2019s over and we should be free, so I fly into a rage and smash Hitler\u2019s body and burn parts of it, but I keep the hand, arm, and shoulder that I\u2019m handcuffed to.\u00a0 I believe, if I can make it to civilization, then I\u2019ll be famous for having Hitler\u2019s remains.<\/p>\n We bust out of the POW camp and I start my lonely march towards the American lines.\u00a0 Along the way, I meet lots of retreating Germans who all shake my hand and think I\u2019m British and tell me I fought well, so I start faking a British accent and playing along because I\u2019m an anglophile.\u00a0 Then, finally, I make it to the American lines and I go to the CIA field office where there\u2019s only one person on duty.\u00a0 It\u2019s Idris Elba, who most recently had a little story arc on The Office, though I think he\u2019s best known for The Wire.\u00a0 However, I remember him from Ultraviolet.\u00a0 (And here\u2019s an outdated review<\/a> I wrote for the old page.)<\/p>\n Idris is a field agent, but I don\u2019t believe him because he\u2019s black.\u00a0 Nor does he believe that the bloody remains I\u2019m shackled to belong to Hitler.\u00a0 So we argue back and forth a bit until I begrudgingly believe him and he runs a fingerprint and DNA test on the remains.<\/p>\n Once it\u2019s proven that I\u2019m shackled to Hitler\u2019s remains, there\u2019s a big fuss and I\u2019m whisked away to the bigwig\u2019s office to tell my tale.<\/p>\n Eventually, after getting cleaned up, I enjoy fame and success telling my story over and over again to newspapers and magazines and on the lecture circuit, and I never have to work again.\u00a0 Though I\u2019m always worried that the prison blowjobs will come back to haunt me.<\/p>\n Then the girl I was in bed with shook violently and sat up, batting at invisible mosquitoes.\u00a0 She woke me up to say that something was flying around the room.\u00a0 So I lay there after only four hours of sleep, eyes open and staring, as she collapsed back into the pillows and immediately started snoring.\u00a0 And now I\u2019m sitting here typing this and I\u2019m so tired I\u2019m half convinced that the dream was real.\u00a0 In which case, I can tell you that I had 50 men suck me off just so they\u2019d have the chance to spit on Hitler\u2019s corpse.\u00a0 Good morning!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I don\u2019t actually keep a dream diary, but everytime I jerk awake, rush to the computer, and type one out I save it as \u201cdream diary\u201d and with the date.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll eventually post those unedited 3am summaries.\u00a0 But …<\/p>\n