Every time I head out to see my friends in New Orleans, I feel compelled to put up a note on the front page so the one or two people who read GS know absolutely every aspect of my life.\u00a0 Right now, for instance, there\u2019s a 12 year old kid outside screaming \u201cI\u2019m going to fucking poop on you bitch!\u201d<\/p>\n
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I pay top dollar to have a scenic view of my apartment complex\u2019s Dumpsters, where children of all ages gather to throw rocks at the metal sides 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including holidays.\u00a0 Throwing rocks at Dumpsters, slack jawed and unblinking, is the primary form of entertainment for children in Silver Spring.\u00a0 According to a recent study, it\u2019s pulled slightly ahead of huffing propane and has long since eclipsed squeezing Sterno.<\/p>\n
There are two gay black guys about my age who come out on weekday evenings to smoke, talk, and also throw rocks at the Dumpsters.\u00a0 They don\u2019t live together and, I think, each have wives.\u00a0 But they hide under the trees and make out after sunset, and each walk tiny lap dogs that I call Yin and Yang \u2013 they\u2019re the same breed, but one is white and one is black.\u00a0 The dogs, too, stare slack jawed and unblinking as rocks are thrown at the Dumpster.\u00a0 Absolutely every single living creature at my apartment complex is on serious psychoactive drugs, I think.\u00a0 Even the birds will sit on the railing of my balcony and stumble around, or just stare eerily at me.\u00a0 And I won\u2019t even talk about the squirrels, who occasionally come bursting through my walls in a squealing panic.\u00a0 Actually\u2026 They probably need psychoactive drugs so they\u2019ll stop fucking doing that.<\/p>\n
My previous New Orleans posts have pointed out why you should read the writing of my buddy Ryan.\u00a0 (Magic internet link <\/a>here and here<\/a>.)\u00a0 Ryan is secretly involved with GS, as well, under the top secret codename Cassander.\u00a0 All his new stuff is here<\/a>.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t tell anyone, okay?\u00a0 That code name is just between you and me.<\/p>\n Ryan drinks too much and scares me and, sometimes, after he drinks lots of bourbon, I think he\u2019s going to sit on my chest and start punching me like Tyler Durden did to Jared Leto.\u00a0 Because of that, he reminds me of my family, so I always feel at home.\u00a0 Though he needs to work on being distant, loveless, pessimistic, and cruel to really be family.<\/p>\n At Ryan\u2019s shotgun house, I sleep on a couch with a psychotic cat perched on my chest and, for this visit, the newest family addition, a medium-sized dog, watching me with hungry eyes as I try to masturbate before anyone wakes up at 5am and sneak shots of cheap whiskey.<\/p>\n Ha ha.\u00a0 Just kidding, Ryan.\u00a0 Also, you ran out of Kleenex the last time so I had to use your socks.<\/p>\n Anyway\u2026 I\u2019m writing this on Saturday the 2nd at my thankless weekend job and will schedule it to post this coming Thursday.\u00a0 My plane leaves BWI Thursday morning, and I\u2019ll be launched into that wonderful machine.\u00a0 Arrive far too early and wait, reading a book, watching the seats at the gate fill up.\u00a0 Then shuffling onto the plane and squeezed next to some idiot.\u00a0 Then a short layover in Atlanta, which is an airport I end up sitting in at least twice a year.\u00a0 Then land in NOLA in the afternoon and, you know, start drinking.<\/p>\n This will be my 35th birthday.\u00a0 I try to be out of town for my birthday, or binge drinking on my balcony, naked and waving my penis through the rusted metal bars while screaming at ice cream trucks. Thank god for NOLA, eh?\u00a0 Where everybody is waving their penis and screaming at you!<\/p>\n I started writing this with the idea that it would be my excuse for not updating.\u00a0 I won\u2019t be back until Tuesday\u2026 But, then, I programmed some silly thing about my birthday for Friday, and a good Sunday archive, and Ryan will be posting something Monday (probably at gunpoint), so it\u2019s not like you\u2019ll miss me.\u00a0 In fact, between The Boble, my retarded novel, and the archive shit, I have about 100 articles programmed through the first half of 2010.\u00a0 And there\u2019s still most of the New Testicle to do, and 300 pages worth of my novel.\u00a0 The Sunday Archives will run out first, around September.\u00a0 But then I\u2019ve recently unearthed all of my Purple Publications shit, so that\u2019ll fuel a whole new phase of the project.<\/p>\n In fact, I can go ahead and die and all my friends can pretend I\u2019m still alive as, blindly, GS automatically updates with horrific shit I wrote when I was 15.\u00a0 Awesome!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Every time I head out to see my friends in New Orleans, I feel compelled to put up a note on the front page so the one or two people who read GS know absolutely every aspect of my life.\u00a0 …<\/p>\n