The Bobsel According to
\nMATDUDE<\/p>\n
Chapter One
\n“Pedigree”<\/p>\n
The family of Bob Jr is a metaphysical experience, really.\u00a0 The short way to trace his pedigree is simply through the fact that Bob Jr is the son of BOB: that’s his family right there.\u00a0 No arguments please.\u00a0 But to be as confusing as possible, let\u2019s take the long route:\u00a0 Bob Jr is the son of Bobette and Joe.\u00a0 Their family may or may not trace back to King Dil and King Sockit2him and so on.\u00a0 Actually, every single Hebo is suspiciously related to Dil.\u00a0 Go figure.
\n<\/p>\n
Chapter Two
\n“The Birth of Bob Jr.”<\/p>\n
From Gabe’s Desk<\/p>\n
To: Bobette, Hebo \u201cvirgin\u201d
\nFrom: Gabe, Chief angel-type guy
\n808 Heavenly Way, suite 69
\n7th Heaven, Cloud 9
\nNirvana, Bob Heavens, The Universe, BOB<\/p>\nDear \u201cvirgin,\u201d<\/p>\n
I am glad to inform you that you have been impregnated by BOB.\u00a0 You did not realize this occurrence because BOB is trying some new techniques.\u00a0 Remember that midget with the jar of peanut butter?\u00a0 Anyway, I would like to inform you that your future son is, indeed, the Son of BOB.\u00a0 He is to be named Bob Jr and is to be brought up like your average, everyday Hebo.\u00a0 Of course you can tell nobody of this, because that will screw up everything and I may just have to come down there and shoot you.<\/p>\n
Second, your cousin is pregnant with the last prophet – Nohj.\u00a0 Nohj will get his head chopped off, but don’t worry about that.\u00a0 I don’t care how old your cousin is, just go visit her.\u00a0 Let’s see…<\/p>\n
Ah yes!\u00a0 In a short time, the evil and oppressive King of your people will kill all the kids…but…well, we’ll talk about that later.\u00a0 Well, this is costing me five cents a word, so I’m gonna blow you off now.\u00a0 Please eat this letter and tell no one of this.\u00a0 Thanks.<\/p>\n
–Gabe<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Bobette fell back with the force of BOB.<\/p>\n
“Are you okay?” asked the messenger who had brought the letter.<\/p>\n
“I am fine.” Bobette replied, “For today is the happiest day of my life.\u00a0 But I cannot tell you why.\u00a0 Thank you, please leave.” The messenger left and Bobette devoured the letter.\u00a0 She then felt her womb, and within it was a child. “But I have never been with a man – ” she protested.<\/p>\n
The phone rang, and she picked it up. (Matdude used the word \u2018phone\u2019 without having knowledge of what it would later mean to us.\u00a0 Perhaps, at the time, `phone’ was a Hebo ritual of sexual activity.)<\/p>\n
“Hello?” an operator said, “I have a collect call from Bob Heavens from one Gabe the Angel.\u00a0 Will you accept the charges?”<\/p>\n
“Yes!” Bobette replied without hesitation.<\/p>\n
“Hello… This the so-called virgin?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am,\u201d Bobette replied piously.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can read, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, angel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you got the letter, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, angel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what the fuck isn\u2019t clear to you bitch?! BOB got you knocked up, now deal with that shit, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, angel.\u201d Bobette hung up the phone and went forth unto her mother. “I have been impregnated by BOB.\u201d She announced, \u201cAnd I shall name my son Bob Jr – a name which means `Son of BOB’ – and the Hebos shall know the true meaning of their lives.\u00a0 And I have heard of other news: my cousin, Liza, is pregnant as well.”<\/p>\n
“But that is impossible,” Bobette’s mother said, “Liza became a man last year.”<\/p>\n
“Yes,” Bobette replied, “but the power of BOB is almighty.\u00a0 Is not BOB within thy pants?”<\/p>\n
“Why’d I have to have a daughter?” Bobette’s mother bemoaned.<\/p>\n
“So that one day you may have a grandson…\u201d Bobette raised her hands into the air and shouted, \u201cAnd his name shall be Emmy Lou Harris!\u201d<\/p>\n
“What?”<\/p>\n
Bobette smiled pleasantly. “I don’t know.\u00a0 I’m so wasted…”<\/p>\n
Chapter Three
\n“The Flight”<\/p>\nThere comes a point in every historian\u2019s life where he comes across a documented fact which no one can remember. One of these obscure historical moments involved the murder of all of the children the same age of Bob Jr. Now, before we get into the details of such an event, it is also necessary to update you as to what\u2019s been going on.<\/p>\n
Of course it was only a few days later before there was a cutesy and excessively melodramatic plot twist.\u00a0 Bobette and Joey were off to another country to avoid the “murder” of the children.\u00a0 This so-called “murder” was supposed to be very “brutal” and “malevolent”.\u00a0 Yet no one remembers any of it!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The Bobsel According to MATDUDE Chapter One “Pedigree” The family of Bob Jr is a metaphysical experience, really.\u00a0 The short way to trace his pedigree is simply through the fact that Bob Jr is the son of BOB: that’s his …<\/p>\n