\u201cI want to die in a movie theater.\u00a0 You know?\u00a0 Just crawl in there, buy my ticket, and die between the second and third acts of some flickering dream.\u00a0 The cleanup man will find me and wonder for a moment who to call first.\u00a0 And even though I’ll die in the dark like a human being is supposed to, I\u2019ll make the newspaper.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd how do you plan on doing this?\u00a0 Targeting your death to a point somewhere in a two hour span?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not saying I\u2019m going to kill myself.\u00a0 It\u2019s like saying you want to die while you\u2019re sleeping or die making love or die in a worthwhile battle.\u00a0 Of course I can\u2019t just do<\/em> it.\u00a0 But that\u2019s how I would like to go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s funny that we say go<\/em> when really it\u2019s stop<\/em>.\u00a0 That\u2019s how you would like to stop.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe say go<\/em> in the sense of leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cImplying that we\u2019re heading somewhere else.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cExactly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo life is a journey, but death is a destination.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I would say it\u2019s a different leg of the same journey.\u00a0 But to take your cue, that word, destination<\/em>\u2014there\u2019s the opportunity for more wordplay.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow so?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, now, in our permanently marketed world, we\u2019ve made the idea of destination optimistic.\u00a0 There are thousands of locales, targets, drop-off points readily accessible by air and sea.\u00a0 The idea that a place that has existed long before you got there and will go on so long after you leave is a bordered, confined spot designed for your observation and enjoyment, ready to be digested by your memory.\u00a0 But, really, within destination is contained the idea of destiny<\/em>.\u00a0 You\u2019re meant to be there.\u00a0 Rubber-stamped and approved by the fates.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEven if your destination is Destin, Florida?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEven if your destination is a movie theater on a Friday afternoon ten years from now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHopefully more than that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHopefully not watching Final Destination IX<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHar, har.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnyway, why did you say \u2018in the dark, like a human is supposed to\u2019?\u00a0 What\u2019s that belief?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNothing.\u00a0 I guess thought it would sound dramatic.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe do all secretly hope for dramatic deaths.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not sure I totally know what I meant.\u00a0 I guess I thought of dogs climbing under houses and cats refusing to come out from behind the dryer.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCats hide when they\u2019re going to give birth.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I guess it\u2019s another long-held belief obliterated by contemporary optimism.\u00a0 Animals know death is darkness.\u00a0 We know it, too.\u00a0 Waking up every day, it\u2019s like being reborn.\u00a0 It\u2019s like a constant reminder of how you could\u2019ve just as easily stayed that way, still and unconscious, and never have known.\u00a0 I\u2019m scared when I wake up in the morning.\u00a0 I think, god, that could\u2019ve been it.\u00a0 And I would\u2019ve been completely unaware.\u00a0 Death is darkness.\u00a0 But we\u2019ve been told for years that the onset of death is accompanied by a bright, white light or the fiercest replay of your life\u2019s memories.\u00a0 We\u2019ve tried to eradicate the need to climb out of reach into a dark corner and wait for the death we feel in our bones.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat we\u2019re really scared of is change, maybe.\u00a0 We\u2019re so conditioned to expect things to go on and on, endlessly complicating our lives with accumulating memories, inexhaustible assaults of information, and bewildered cell structures straying into uselessness.\u00a0 We get used to that.\u00a0 We assimilate the fearsome might of Time into mundane expectation.\u00a0 But to have that rug pulled out from under us, to be shot in the chest or to be diagnosed with stage three cancer, or to realize the parachute is not going to open\u2026that\u2019s undeniable change.\u00a0 Maybe, like you said, it\u2019s destination, but we\u2019ve never been good at accepting destiny with pleasant manners.\u00a0 So that\u2019s why people say, \u2018What a way to go!\u2019 when someone dies doing something they love, like fucking or eating bacon or playing baseball: something within their normal realm of activity.\u00a0 They\u2019re jealous.\u00a0 That bastard went out without even a hint of anxiety.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, I think you\u2019re wrong.\u00a0 At least about us fearing change.\u00a0 Routines aren\u2019t pleasant to us, they just eliminate friction.\u00a0 Social friction.\u00a0 Spiritual friction.\u00a0 Sexual friction.\u00a0 Friction that saps our energy, takes it for other uses.\u00a0 What we are really about is conserving energy, hanging on as long as possible.\u00a0 Existing at a state of rest, holding on to our potential.\u00a0 As long as we have our potential energy, the future is open, unrestricted, a line of gunpowder waiting for a spark of decision.\u00a0 That\u2019s what people really fear: the elimination of choice.\u00a0 And that\u2019s what these terminal illnesses and sudden fatal impositions do: corral the entirety of your personal lifeline into a tiny struggle for survival.\u00a0 That\u2019s the joy that others see in the man whose heart bursts making love to a woman or in a firefight with the Hun: they envy the force behind his choice.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHm.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo your fantasy about the movie theater.\u00a0 It\u2019s not about dying dramatically or with dignity, it\u2019s not about living on as an anomaly in print or even about the post-mortem imposition you would place on the usher.\u00a0 It\u2019s just another way to define your personality.\u00a0 You would love to choose to walk into a room and know you\u2019re not going to walk out of it.\u00a0 You would love to slip away while people around you are focused on something more engaging. \u00a0You would love the anonymity.\u00a0 Maybe you find the smell of popcorn comforting.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know either.\u00a0 It was just a response to a question on the card you read.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHm.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHmmmm.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s people who define death simply as the cessation of biological function.\u00a0 And there\u2019s those who think the cessation of biological function is accompanied by a ghostly or spiritual evacuation from the body.\u00a0 That our consciousness continues.\u00a0 And there\u2019s a provocative few that would argue that the soul can die even before the body, a victim of the complex world we have forced upon this planet.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre we almost done here?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAlmost.\u00a0 So is there a general definition for death?\u00a0 Something that contains it all without footnotes, analogies, or sub-headings?\u00a0 A group of words that escapes philosophy, religion, and mathematical proofs?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI would say\u2026Death is the state of being wherein a person no longer has the capacity to wonder what death means.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAmen.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay then.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOne more question.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShoot.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWould you describe your time here as excellent, very good, satisfactory, fair, or poor?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou mean my time here on earth?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJesus, no.\u00a0 At this company.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh.\u00a0 Well, if I\u2019m being honest, I\u2019d say fair.\u00a0 But I\u2019m afraid you\u2019re going to try and convince me fair has some overtones of judgment day or the classical Greek idea of doom being weight of measurement and balance.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNope, I\u2019m hungry and there\u2019s a lot of paperwork to get done.\u00a0 Let\u2019s just shake hands and get on with our lives.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cI want to die in a movie theater.\u00a0 You know?\u00a0 Just crawl in there, buy my ticket, and die between the second and third acts of some flickering dream.\u00a0 The cleanup man will find me and wonder for a moment …<\/p>\n