It\u2019s telling that Obama only made 2.5 million in royalties in 2008.\u00a0 The industry really is dying, eh?\u00a0 Crown probably walked away with many more million\u2026but they\u2019re spending a million per title, easily.\u00a0 So even if they cleared 10 million, that money\u2019s long gone.<\/p>\n
You\u2019d think, of all people, Obama\u2019s book sales would make quatrazillions, because even idiots who can\u2019t fucking read buy his books and thumb through them looking for shirtless pictures.\u00a0 Like my boss.\u00a0 Well, no, he read them.\u00a0 I shouldn\u2019t be mean just because he read and loved Life of Pi<\/em>.<\/p>\n Or should I?\u00a0 I should have probably shot him as soon as he told me that.\u00a0 For the sake of Humanity.\u00a0 Like going back in time and shooting Hitler.\u00a0 Same principle.\u00a0 Hitler and people who read and enjoy Life of Pi<\/em>.<\/p>\n So\u2026so\u2026so this guy\u2026he\u2019s, like, in a raft!\u00a0 With animals!\u00a0 And\u2026and\u2026\u00a0 *KA-BLAM!*<\/p>\n Anyway, I want to talk about my tombstone today.<\/p>\n Alternatively, I was thinking about going the Horatio Hornblower route.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be dressed in that Napoleonic-era Royal Navy outfit, except without pants and the huge phallus right there out in the open.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be peering through a telescope at the mountains, a look of stern concentration on my face.<\/p>\n I actually have a grave, so this isn\u2019t just a playful what if.\u00a0 It\u2019s in Harmony Grove, West Virginia, some distance out of Bridgeport.\u00a0 We have a large family plot where they\u2019ve been sticking us since 1801.\u00a0 My grave is there waiting for me, tended by some toothless hillbilly who is a fifth generation caretaker.\u00a0 He cuts the grass and cleans around the gravestones and gawks at visitors like me as if he\u2019s playing out the plot of Timber Falls<\/em> in what passes for his brain.<\/p>\n I\u2019m greatly humbled that my grave exists and, being a renter, I\u2019m strangely attached to the only little plot of land that is mine.\u00a0 I keep toying with the idea of planting a garden or something.\u00a0 It\u2019s nice to own land, even if it\u2019s just a narrow strip in a field of bones.<\/p>\n My goal is to have one of the above statues in place before I\u2019m 50.\u00a0 My hope is that this will horrify the more undesirable elements of my family and they\u2019ll choose to be buried in the \u201cauxiliary\u201d family plot in Shinnston.\u00a0 This is because I don\u2019t want to be surrounded by those fucks for all eternity.\u00a0 It\u2019s bad enough that my mom is in there, and I\u2019ll be at her feet.\u00a0 My only hope is that she\u2019s mellowed somewhat.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know where my dad is.\u00a0 I told the mortician that he could fuck off, and take the body with him, when I discovered that my dad was deeply in debt.\u00a0 He\u2019s buried at some military graveyard near Atlanta, I think.\u00a0 His years in the Army helped keep him from getting dumped in a furnace.<\/p>\n Occasionally I toy with the idea of finding out where he is and visiting the grave.\u00a0 It seems lonely, to me, that he\u2019s buried and forgotten.\u00a0 But then I remember that he was a giant fuckwad and deserves whatever sadness he\u2019s heaped on himself in the afterlife\u2026if there is an afterlife.<\/p>\n I alternate between belief and doubt.\u00a0 Sometimes I hope there\u2019s an afterlife so I can be a ghost and I can go around and watch girls in the shower.\u00a0 Or just sit around at Harmony Grove and watch people stare at the huge cock on my tombstone statue.<\/p>\n Another thought I had \u2013 and this one has me fully clothed \u2013 is to go Civil War.\u00a0 Be in full Confederate uniform and on a horse.\u00a0 What\u2019s the code again?\u00a0 All four feet on the ground means I died of natural causes, one foot in the air means I was wounded, and two feet in the air means I was killed in battle.\u00a0 I think I have to go for the two feet.\u00a0 So I\u2019ll be on a horse that\u2019s rearing back with two hooves in the air, and there\u2019ll be a big plaque beneath:<\/p>\n General Sir Nacho Sasha 1974-????<\/p>\n While holding this ridgeline against Northern Aggressors in the Battle of Second Wolf Run with a small force of irregulars, General Nacho Sasha was struck in the temple by a musketball.\u00a0 Gravely wounded, he crawled to the front, took up a rifle from a fallen comrade, and fired into the advancing ranks of blue-belly foulness.\u00a0 His last words were:<\/p>\n \u201cMy dearest Theodora.\u00a0 I write to thee today in the midst of battle against the hated Yankees.\u00a0 I hath been mortally wounded and fight even now, in between sentences, to save our way of life.\u00a0 The men have not had shoes, food, or ammunition for weeks.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been forced to make roundshot out of dried feces and pebbles.\u00a0 It is now these excretal balls I fire at my enemy.\u00a0 I feel the life drain away, Theodora, and I pray to our great Lord and Savior that, some day, I will see you again.\u00a0 Though that prayer is second to my prayer that the Yankees will go the fuck home.\u00a0 Jesus.\u00a0 Seriously.<\/p>\n \u201cAnyway, Theodora, best I go now because they\u2019ve actually run past my position and are charging towards the town, and I can\u2019t feel my hands anymore, and I\u2019m also throwing up blood and screaming at old Charles Esther Jr. who died 15 years ago but appears to be here now poking at my arm and asking me to stop writing and get up.\u00a0 Don\u2019t forget to lock the back door at night, and you probably want to change the filter on the furnace before it gets real cold.\u00a0 I was going to do that, but, you know\u2026Um\u2026 Okay.\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 I love you.\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 Okay.\u00a0 Bye.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It\u2019s telling that Obama only made 2.5 million in royalties in 2008.\u00a0 The industry really is dying, eh?\u00a0 Crown probably walked away with many more million\u2026but they\u2019re spending a million per title, easily.\u00a0 So even if they cleared 10 million, …<\/p>\n
\nI\u2019ve decided to go for a statue.\u00a0 Cribbing from Californication<\/em>, I\u2019ve decided that my grave will be home to a more than lifesize statue of me in full Scottish regalia.\u00a0 Though it\u2019ll be more military than the comical statue I\u2019m stealing this idea from.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have a rifle on my shoulder, and a brave look with a huge red beard.\u00a0 At the hem of my kilt, just peeking out, will be the head of a gigantic phallus.\u00a0 That\u2019s the part I\u2019m stealing from Duchovny\u2019s show, but it\u2019s a must.<\/p>\n