Okay, so I got in a fender bender today and it\u2019s pretty much preoccupied me all day. It was one of those deals where you\u2019re nosing through a stopped line of traffic trying to cross a busy street and you think someone is waving you on but in reality they\u2019re trying to warn you of an oncoming car you can\u2019t see, one you\u2019re about to pull right out in front of and get hit by at 5 miles an hour. Then I had to wait for the cops, bullshit with the guy I pulled in front of, worry about how much it will cost to repair my bumper, and whether this could all have been avoided if I\u2019d just taken a side street. In fact, \u201cAlways take side streets\u201d is now my new motto. So no glowing memoirs, no interesting stories, no essays today. Instead you get a bunch of lists that I made years ago under the influence of God knows what liquor. I\u2019m going to go worry about my insurance coverage now.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Things Bears are Not Scared Of<\/strong><\/p>\n Repeated verbal warnings<\/p>\n Metrosexuals<\/p>\n The outsourcing of American jobs<\/p>\n Wes Craven movies<\/p>\n Porn Star Names of Yesteryear<\/strong><\/p>\n Madame Brinkley of Westfordshire<\/p>\n Rosemary Trellis<\/p>\n Edna Pinetart<\/p>\n Lil\u2019 Miss Vonstroven<\/p>\n Madeline Cornswallow<\/p>\n Things in a Clown\u2019s Pocket<\/strong><\/p>\n Backup red nose<\/p>\n Expired condoms<\/p>\n Tic-Tacs<\/p>\n Other clowns<\/p>\n Good or Bad Names for Cats<\/strong><\/p>\n Hypertext Dimwiddle<\/p>\n Shitlist Victim<\/p>\n TV Shows Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller are Considering Adapting for the Big Screen<\/strong><\/p>\n Kate and Allie<\/em><\/p>\n BJ and the Bear<\/em><\/p>\n McMillan and Wife<\/em><\/p>\n Diagnosis: Murder<\/em><\/p>\n Headbanger\u2019s Ball<\/em><\/p>\n Small Wonder<\/em><\/p>\n New Yankee Workshop<\/em><\/p>\n Connor \u201cBright Eyes\u201d Oberst\u2019s Five Stages of Grief<\/strong><\/p>\n Denial<\/p>\n Anger<\/p>\n Bargaining<\/p>\n Depression<\/p>\n Ben and Jerry\u2019s<\/p>\n Garage Sale Taboos<\/strong><\/p>\n Box of sex toys set next to box of real toys<\/p>\n Kandinsky print displayed upside down<\/p>\n Price tag placed on wife<\/p>\n Guns and rifles assumed to be unloaded<\/p>\n Freezer chest not emptied of body parts<\/p>\n Held on Yom Kippur<\/p>\n Unpopular Tattoos<\/strong><\/p>\n Unicorns\/Fairies with Down Syndrome<\/p>\n Portrait of Eisenhower<\/p>\n Macintosh logo<\/p>\n Sonny and Cher lyrics<\/p>\n Sumerian symbols<\/p>\n Barb wire cutters<\/p>\n Alternative Times of the Day<\/strong><\/p>\n Twilightish<\/p>\n Mid-dawn<\/p>\n Beer Forty-five<\/p>\n Forenoon<\/p>\n That time when we let it all hang out<\/p>\n Ashton Kutcher\u2019s Favorite Salad Dressings<\/strong><\/p>\n RaspDemi Vinaigrette<\/p>\n Thousand IslanDemi<\/p>\n Honey Demi Mustard<\/p>\n Ranch<\/p>\n Emotions Leroy, my Tiger Woods PGA Tour2006 avatar, is Unable to Express<\/strong><\/p>\n Brief optimism<\/p>\n Valiant perseverance<\/p>\n Christ-like magnaminity<\/p>\n Haunting dejection<\/p>\n Life-affirming joy<\/p>\n Elephants in the Room<\/strong><\/p>\n Susie\u2019s chin mole<\/p>\n Davey\u2019s ignorance of the fact that Rhonda is cheating on him<\/p>\n Someone put Bjork\u2019s Medulla <\/em>on the stereo<\/p>\n Chili-cheese dip is way too \u201cbean-y\u201d<\/p>\n Jared, an actual elephant from work that no one remembers inviting to the party<\/p>\n Movies Ray Charles Ironically Didn\u2019t See<\/strong><\/p>\n Blind Date<\/em><\/p>\n Blind Justice<\/em><\/p>\n Blind Fury<\/em><\/p>\n Blind Passion<\/em><\/p>\n Zatoichi: the Blind Swordsman<\/em><\/p>\n Blind Melon: Live at the Metro<\/em><\/p>\n Ray<\/em><\/p>\n Less Popular Child R&B Groups of the Seventies<\/strong><\/p>\n The McMurty Seven<\/p>\n The Whittaker Three<\/p>\n The Jefferson Nineteen<\/p>\n The Middleton Nine<\/p>\n Los Hernandez Cinco<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Okay, so I got in a fender bender today and it\u2019s pretty much preoccupied me all day. It was one of those deals where you\u2019re nosing through a stopped line of traffic trying to cross a busy street and you …<\/p>\n
\nGood Gracious
\nLannagan Jones
\nPretty Mouth<\/p>\n
\nGregor Samsa
\nChop Socky
\nHeathen-puss<\/p>\n