Interlude: Bob Heavens<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Binaca skidded into the main chamber, saw BOB on his throne pouting, and immediately headed towards him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d\u00a0 He muttered before she had gotten within ten feet of him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWerdna\u2019s left about 30 messages\u2026inchoate as usual.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn-what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cInchoate, great BOB.\u201d<\/p>\n
BOB stared blankly at Binaca, then said, \u201cUm\u2026okay.\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Inchoate.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlso,\u201d Binaca continued, \u201cOne of the aposolites is on his way.\u201d<\/p>\n
BOB perked up a little, \u201cWhich one?\u201d Then he shook his head and waved his hand towards Binaca before she could answer, \u201cNever mind.\u00a0 They\u2019re both the same.\u201d<\/p>\n
Binaca seemed edgy.\u00a0 She shifted from one perfectly formed pale bare foot to another and anxiously bit her pillowed lower lip.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d BOB asked, this time a little more annoyed with his angel-minx.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think you should talk with the aposolite\u2026 I mean, try and get some of your old ways back \u2013 \u201c she made a fist with her hand and punched into the air, \u201cThe Old BOB!\u00a0 You know what I mean?\u00a0 You\u2019ve been so dark and moody ever since \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
BOB raised his finger, \u201cOoh\u2026 Don\u2019t say the name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t see what the big deal is anyway.\u201d Binaca persisted.\u00a0 She tossed her red hair back from her perfect, almost child-like face.\u00a0 \u201cI mean, you\u2019re BOB.\u00a0 Kra \u2013 Uh\u2026 She has nothing on you.\u00a0 She can do this pagan revival thing all she wants but the truth is\u2026well\u2026 The people believe in you.\u00a0 Well, maybe after the flood and the whole Tower of Bobel thing and the endless persecution of the Hebos and \u2013 \u201c\u00a0 Binaca stopped to suck in a deep breath and think about her words.\u00a0 \u201cWell, anyway, maybe things have eroded slightly.\u00a0 But you\u2019re still the boss.<\/p>\n
BOB smiled gently, \u201cThanks, Binaca.\u201d<\/p>\n
Binaca tried to return the smile, then moodily backed away.\u00a0 Just then, the doors flew open and one of the great aposolites entered the chamber.\u00a0 Created back in the mists of the void and sent off to preach the word of BOB, the aposolites had never returned to Bob Heavens (where there is sausage really tired of constant editing).\u00a0 BOB and Binaca looked up and they both grinned as Sam Luscious stepped up towards the throne and kissed BOB\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n
BOB nodded, \u201cHow you doing, Sam?\u201d<\/p>\n
Sam shrugged, glancing at Binaca with a devilish glint in his eye.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m doing fine now that I\u2019ve seen my fine Binaca,\u201d he bent and kissed her hand.<\/p>\n
BOB stood up, pulled the keys to the BOBmobile out of his pocket and stepped off the raised dais where his throne sat.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go get blasted.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a lot of shit going down,\u201d Binaca chimed in.<\/p>\n
Interlude: And, lo, it came to pass that Werdna, High Prophet of BOB in the modern era, approached the agent of the foul tax agency for which the Boble has struggled so hard against.\u00a0 The meeting had been scheduled for midnight, whereupon a substantial bribe would guarantee the return of the original, untranslated Palms \u2013 dating back thousands of years, and a vital Book of the Most Glorious Boble.<\/p>\n Werdna, in jeans, t-shirt and brown bomber jacket sidled along the wall of the alley.\u00a0 Dumpsters obscured the entrance from where he had appeared only moments before, and Charles Mulroney \u2013 high level IRS agent \u2013 found himself fearing this lanky figure.\u00a0 He turned away slightly, looking back out of the alley at the parking garage where his 1988 Datsun was parked.\u00a0 He could make a run for it, what could Werdna do?<\/p>\n But it was too late.\u00a0 The radical liberal, despiser of speed limits, enemy of the police, and famous misanthrope had long legs.\u00a0 He was in front of Mulroney before the agent could do anything.<\/p>\n \u201cYou have the item?\u201d Werdna drawled, his strange speech defect sounding almost Southern.\u00a0 His voice was high, saturated with a bitter cynicism which writers could train so well.\u00a0 Each word an accusation, each one sounding practiced.\u00a0 Werdna was not the most gifted of public speakers, but he had been able to extract himself from countless sticky situations through his convincing speech.\u00a0 Unfortunately, he had become a dangerous psychotic over the years \u2013 a trait which was leading to his destruction.\u00a0 This whole tax incident was an example of that.<\/p>\n Mulroney nodded, \u201cI have the item.\u00a0 You have the money?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat was it again?\u201d Werdna asked, taking out his check book.<\/p>\n \u201cUm, currently it\u2019s $15,749.54\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFuck,\u201d Werdna muttered as he wrote out the check, \u201cyou.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMake it out to Internal \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cI know, I know!\u201d Werdna hissed.\u00a0 He handed the check to Mulroney, who took it and handed Werdna a receipt.<\/p>\n \u201cThe item?\u201d Werdna asked, taking the receipt.<\/p>\n Mulroney nodded towards the brick wall of the alley.\u00a0 A small, ancient-looking metal box had been carefully laid out on the ground.<\/p>\n Werdna crossed to the box and opened it slowly, peering into the darkness inside.\u00a0 The box was empty.\u00a0 The High prophet turned towards Mulroney, and found himself staring down the barrel of a 9 millimeter.\u00a0 \u201cThe hell \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n With the silencer, only a muffled report sounded out \u2013 barely travelling out of the alley.\u00a0 Three minutes later, Mulroney walked out of the alley with a happy grin on his face.\u00a0 He had done it.\u00a0 He had bested and eliminated the great scourge of humanity, the third antichrist, the man who affectionately referred to himself as the Richard the Third of the 21st century.<\/p>\n Interlude: <\/p>\n \u201cSo Kraal is back in action\u2026\u201d Luscious stared at his pint of Guinness.\u00a0 The pub was quiet, only a few locals at the bar and a couple of Americans in the corner booth.\u00a0 BOB looked grimly at the Americans: Unshaven youngsters, backpacks at their muddied feet.\u00a0 Hikers, probably trying to skirt the distance of Hadrian\u2019s Wall.\u00a0 He could hear their shushed whispers:\u00a0 \u2018Is that BOB?\u2019 \u2018It looks like BOB.\u2019<\/p>\n The Great Deity sipped from his glass of whiskey.\u00a0 What kind was this?\u00a0 Earthy\u2026 Something from the South surely.\u00a0 He had forgotten, having spent much of the night sampling a dram of each whiskey in the pub.\u00a0 That was preceded by a few pints of bitter.\u00a0 Of course, being the Supreme Being, BOB had not eaten all day and the alcohol had gone right to his head.\u00a0 Binaca was drinking something blue with an umbrella in it.\u00a0 She had to go behind the bar and make it herself after about ten minutes of yelling instructions at the flustered barkeep.\u00a0 Whatever it was, it stank so heavily of rum that BOB thought he was getting an extra buzz.<\/p>\n Binaca leaned back in the booth, the leather creaking under her revealing angel-minx uniform (a short black skirt and a blue halter top with wings glued onto the back).\u00a0 \u201cYeah, Kraal has a great idea too.\u00a0 She\u2019s buying into the neo-pagan thing\u2026hell, she\u2019s started it.\u201d<\/p>\n Luscious made a low sound in the back of his throat.\u00a0 He swallowed his Guinness, an unusual action denoting extreme worry, and then pounded the table until the barkeep began pulling another pint.\u00a0 Luscious turned to BOB, \u201cThis pagan thing is strong \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n BOB nodded, finishing his whiskey.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s bad, too.\u00a0 Kraal has faeries, Goddess Earth-Mothers, and Tori Amos B-sides out the wazoo.\u00a0 She\u2019s selling herself on the internet like gangbusters\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe have a web page \u2013 \u201c Luscious said.\u00a0 \u201cWell, sort of.\u00a0 Anyway, look.\u00a0 This pagan thing can only go so far, and it\u2019s centered around women anyway \u2013 \u201c they both looked at Binaca, who shrunk slightly into herself.\u00a0 \u201cAnyway,\u201d Luscious continued, \u201cThe only thing you have to worry about is controlling the women.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow do you control women?\u201d BOB asked.\u00a0 Binaca flashed him a lopsided smile.\u00a0 She was so in love.\u00a0 What a hunk.<\/p>\n Luscious shrugged, \u201cThe old fashioned way.\u00a0 Religion.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cReligion?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBobism.\u201d<\/p>\n BOB shrugged, \u201cAlready well in place.\u201d<\/p>\n Luscious smiled grimly, \u201cWell, yes, it is.\u00a0 But there\u2019s one slight problem.\u201d\u00a0 He paused while BOB looked anxiously at him, \u201cBobism is boring.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh come on \u2013 \u201c BOB began to protest, \u201cI mean\u2026I\u2026 I\u2019ve given them floods, I\u2019ve knocked down towers, I\u2019ve \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve oppressed them, boss.\u201d\u00a0 Luscious said.\u00a0 \u201cNo offense, of course.\u00a0 But those poor bastards want something new.\u00a0 Think about it.\u00a0 Why the pagan thing?\u201d\u00a0 Luscious began to wave his hands about as a young maid brought him another pint of Guinness, \u201cYou\u2019re in a green wood, surrounded by all the little faerie creatures, and it\u2019s okay if you have to go to that stupid fucking job tomorrow because you owe ten grand in debts because the faerie people will always believe in you\u2026.\u201d\u00a0 He looked levelly at BOB, \u201cSee?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWow,\u201d the waitress said, \u201cWe have faeries out back.\u00a0 Maybe I should talk to them\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Luscious turned on her with a red face, \u201cI\u2019ll crush your faeries if you don\u2019t bring us a bottle of whiskey!\u201d<\/p>\n She scurried off as the aposolite grinned widely.\u00a0 \u201cSo the people want something softer, kinder\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n BOB nodded, \u201cI can be soft and kind.\u00a0 I can cut out the sexual harassment, I can love everybody\u2026 That\u2019s easy.\u201d<\/p>\n Binaca looked doubtfully at him.<\/p>\n Luscious shook his head, \u201cAgain, I don\u2019t mean to question you, great leader\u2026 But we\u2019ve tried that circuit before.\u00a0 You break down, people get on your nerves, you use up all your vacation time before Valentines Day.\u00a0 You\u2019re a misanthrope.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo I have an idea.\u00a0 Something that will make religious insanity spin out of control for thousands of years, set civilized man back into the Stone Age, and \u2013 thus \u2013 control women.\u201d<\/p>\n Binaca said, \u201cWhat\u2019s the idea?\u201d<\/p>\n Luscious turned to her,\u00a0 \u201cA messiah.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA what?\u201d BOB asked as a bottle of whiskey was placed before them.<\/p>\n \u201cA messiah,\u201d the young barmaid said, taking Luscious\u2019 empty glass, \u201ca savior, a professed or accepted leader, a deliverer.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLeave the glass and go!\u201d Luscious shouted viciously.\u00a0 The barmaid scurried away.<\/p>\n \u201cGive me the details,\u201d BOB said, leaning forward.<\/p>\n Luscious nodded, smiling.\u00a0 \u201cA son of BOB, born unto Man. He\u2019ll die some tragic death simply because he teaches about love, peace and harmony.\u00a0 The end result is a paranoid, schizophrenic religion which warps his teachings into a dogma of control and evil.\u00a0 A religion which eventually permeates the greatest empires of the Earth and shatters them into barbarism, then infects the barbarians as they drift further and further away from education.\u00a0 The next thing you know \u2013 bam! \u2013 holy wars, dying for the messiah, and apocalypse faiths. Now, here\u2019s the best part \u2013 \u201c Luscious glanced around the pub, then whispered under his breath, \u201cWe incorporate pagan elements into this religion, so even Kraal\u2019s little girls don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on.\u201d<\/p>\n There was a long moment of silence.\u00a0 BOB and Binaca simply stared at Luscious, who sat back in the booth with the air of a man who knew and understood his genius.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be fried in my own fat\u2026\u201d BOB muttered.\u00a0 \u201cHow come I didn\u2019t think of that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTechnically,\u201d Binaca chirped, \u201cYou did.\u00a0 You created him, so his thoughts are yours.\u201d<\/p>\n BOB clapped his hands happily, \u201cThis is brilliant!\u201d<\/p>\n A voice from the far side of the pub brought a screeching halt to BOB\u2019s excitement.\u00a0 From out of the shadows, the thin form of Kraal appeared in all her beauty.<\/p>\n \u201cNot quite as brilliant as you think,\u201d she said softly, her voice travelling the length of the pub and dancing like crystal music around BOB\u2019s table.\u00a0 She marched up in her flowing skirts to the table and sat down, backwards, in a chair.\u00a0 She rested her arms on the chair back and winked at Binaca, who grimaced in return.<\/p>\n \u201cDamn,\u201d Luscious muttered, \u201cYou really are one hot Earth Mother.\u201d<\/p>\n BOB nodded sadly, \u201cBlood Mistress.\u00a0 Fucking in shape, if you know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI do.\u201d Luscious replied.<\/p>\n BOB continued. \u201cShe always had something.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI thought the Earth Mother was fat.\u201d Luscious taunted.<\/p>\n Kraal pointed a slender finger at Luscious\u2019 face.\u00a0 \u201cI can be whatever I want: Maiden, mother or crone!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut isn\u2019t this stunning appearance representative of a masculine-generated and sustained archetype\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n Kraal bristled, she sneered at Luscious.\u00a0 \u201cRemember what happened to the Nile when Hathor transformed into Sekhmet?\u201d<\/p>\n BOB and Luscious stared blankly at her.<\/p>\n \u201cI know!\u201d Binaca piped up.<\/p>\n \u201cEnough!\u201d BOB barked, clawing painfully at the wooden table while he regained his composure.<\/p>\n Sensing a potential confrontation, Kraal changed the topic.\u00a0 \u201cSo this Son of BOB thing\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSweet idea, eh?\u201d Luscious interrupted.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay,\u201d Kraal nodded, \u201cSqueeze me out by reinforcing the male archetype, oppressing women, and continue for a few thousand years more bickering with your Eternal Freshman \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n \u201cWhere is Rob, anyway?\u201d Luscious asked, interrupting again.<\/p>\n Binaca, watching Kraal and Bob stare at each other, answered.\u00a0 \u201cHe had a bit of a breakdown after that whole Jobless business.\u00a0 Last I heard he was trying to incite a war between the Celts and the Romans.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe what?\u201d Kraal seemed genuinely surprised.<\/p>\n Luscious and BOB laughed.<\/p>\n Kraal turned bitterly back to BOB, \u201cAnyway, you can\u2019t kill the goddess.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be back:\u00a0 feminism, witchcraft\u2026you name it.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be back.\u201d\u00a0 Kraal put a finger to her lips and playfully smiled, \u201cOh, wait\u2026 If there\u2019s to be a son of BOB\u2026then there has to be a mother of the messiah, right?\u201d<\/p>\n Luscious looked confused for a minute, \u201cWell, I \u2013 \u201c he looked at BOB, who was staring darkly at him.\u00a0 Then, with a Cheshire grin, Kraal vanished in a puff of vanilla-scented smoke.\u00a0 \u201cA sect!\u201d Luscious said finally, \u201cThat\u2019s the best she can do!\u00a0 Don\u2019t get upset boss!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah\u2026\u201d BOB muttered.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s right,\u201d Binaca said, \u201cMaybe in 1000 years things will pick up for her again.\u00a0 Maybe in 2000 years women will get back on the scene and start fighting for their individual rights \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cWhy not promise the return of the son of BOB every 1000 years, then?\u201d Luscious suggested.<\/p>\n \u201cDamn,\u201d Binaca said, \u201cwhere do you get these great ideas?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am a genius.\u201d Luscious replied, brushing her bare, perfect shoulder.<\/p>\n With the millennial concept settling in, BOB started to get worked up again.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be damned!\u00a0 It can work!\u201d\u00a0 He stood up, the pub dissolving into the busy front office of BOB Heavens (where there is secretarial sausage).\u00a0 Nervous, peppermint-scented, red-headed angel-minxes snapped to attention, knuckling their foreheads..\u00a0 BOB spun around, shouting at all the angels, \u201cLuscious has a plan!\u00a0 I want spreadsheets, diagrams, powerpoint presentations, outlines, mailing labels, full color copies, the works!\u00a0 Now!\u201d<\/p>\n The angels scurried in all directions.<\/p>\n Interlude:<\/strong><\/p>\n Flanagans, Tuesday night<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cSo what good is faking your own death?\u201d Zosish asked Werdna.<\/p>\n Werdna took a long drink of his Bass (Bass night, $1.75 a pint!).\u00a0 \u201cIt gets the IRS off my back\u2026. For the quarter, at least.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShit, man.\u201d\u00a0 Zosish checked his watch, \u201cWell, I hope it works.\u00a0 Anyway\u2026\u201d he tapped his watch and smiled politely.<\/p>\n Werdna nodded, \u201cRight, we\u2019d better get to that dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n Flanagans was unusually quiet this Tuesday night and the two friends walked out and up the steps to the sidewalk.<\/p>\n \u201cSay,\u201d Zosish asked as Werdna opened the doors drunkenly and squinted suspiciously at a passing cop.\u00a0 \u201cYou ever get Palms back?\u201d<\/p>\n Werdna shook his head sadly, the two friends heading for the towering parking garage.\u00a0 \u201cNah.\u00a0 Never got it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo all those nice poems and songs and what not are lost forever?\u201d Zosish asked.<\/p>\n Werdna shrugged, \u201cPoetry\u2019s over-rated in the end,\u201d he waved his hands in the air and mockingly said, \u201c\u2019BOB is my bartender, I shall not want\u2026\u2019\u00a0 Now who wants to read that shit anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n Zosish grinned to himself and kept silent the rest of the way into the parking garage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Interlude: Bob Heavens<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,150],"class_list":["post-334","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-old-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/334","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=334"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/334\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":880,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/334\/revisions\/880"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=334"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=334"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=334"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nA Dark Alley, Somewhere in Bethesda, MD.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nThousands of Years Earlier ( or whatever):\u00a0 A Small Pub in Brampton, England<\/strong>\n<\/p>\n