The Book of Palms Pronounced Salms
\n(What Idiot Thought of A Silent \u2018P\u2019?)\n<\/p>\n
The First Part:<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The Carrera S effortlessly screamed along the road, the sky above a clear blue and the trees still and calm as mid-day hit the lonely highway.\u00a0 He was alone, at one with the car, humming with the engine and the life of the vehicle.\u00a0 The stereo enveloped him in a smoothly delivered bubble of sound – the random mix of the twelve disk changer had landed on Saint Etienne, and he was thinking about the South of France.\u00a0 His mind was dreaming, lost in memory.\u00a0 He was an aposolite, one of the first two servants of BOB, created from the void.\u00a0 Since the beginning of time, BOB had sent his aposolites out into the cosmos to ensure his rule, to spread the good word of BOB, and to mess all hell up whenever False Rob became involved.\u00a0 But Rob had been quiet lately, and all the minions of BOB had noticed it.\u00a0 There was concern, of course, but not so much that the female-rock CD\u2019s had to be broken out and BOB lapsed into a fit of narcissism and entered the fairy world.\u00a0 Crazy bastard.<\/p>\n
The aposolites had not been named, and it would be wrong to do so.\u00a0 But, the truth be known, certain aliases had been adopted.\u00a0 Amongst many of the creatures in the cosmos who followed them, the names \u201cSam Atrocious\u201d and \u201cDave Luscious\u201d had been attached to the two aposolites.\u00a0 The origin of the names traced back to an old punk band which the two servants of BOB had set up one fine October.\u00a0 They caught on for three shows, until that unfortunate statutory rape business.\u00a0 But all of that is another story. (See: \u201cBoble Stories\u201d coming out in overly priced 40 page chapter book this Fall at\u2026well, okay, I\u2019m lying.\u00a0 But maybe someday!)<\/p>\n
This was Dave Luscious, careening down the highway in his 911 Carrera and singing along with Saint Etienne (it was a remix, actually).\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t really focused on anything in particular, but when he saw the greatest pair of legs this side of the Milky Way he became focused. A hitchhiker, out on the highway, wearing cut off jeans which left nothing to the imagination.\u00a0 Long, perfect legs covered with only slightly noticeable brown hairs (not that he was into the whole unshaved women business, but there was something exciting about that slight stubble on long legs).\u00a0 She wore a tank top, her ample bosom stretching thin white fabric.\u00a0 A muscled stomach glistened with a beautiful tan, and shoulder length brown hair framed an innocent yet dangerous face.<\/p>\n
Luscious brought the car to a screeching halt and turned down the radio as this beautiful hitchhiker leaned in.<\/p>\n
\u201cGoing my way?\u201d Luscious asked.<\/p>\n
She looked around the interior of the car, at the stereo and at Luscious himself.\u00a0 \u201cYou bet,\u201d she replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere you headed?\u201d he asked as she got in.<\/p>\n
\u201cUm,\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWanna go to a hotel?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked around again, unsure for a moment.\u00a0 She watched him shift, listened to the stereo, then turned to him.\u00a0 \u201cYou bet!\u201d<\/p>\n
It was at such an inopportune moment that the phone rang.<\/p>\n
Luscious shrugged, then picked up the receiver and turned down the music with an almost imperceptible motion of his beautiful hand.\u00a0 Somehow, he shifted into sixth gear as well.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah?\u201d he barked into the phone.\u00a0 \u201cWhat?\u00a0 No\u2026 Who?\u00a0 Oh, Binaca.\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 You\u2019re the redhead, right?\u201d he smiled awkwardly at his passenger, then turned angry on the phone again, \u201cYes, yes, of course I know you\u2019re all redheads.\u00a0 What is it?\u201d\u00a0 Luscious was silent a moment, nodding his head and grunting slightly. Then: \u201cOh, come on.\u00a0 If this has something to do with the Year 0 Problem, Year 1000 Problem, Year 2000 Problem, and the ubiquitous Battle of Armageddon, you can tell him to sod off.\u00a0 Like fighting Rob would be a Battle of Armageddon anyway! For fuck\u2019s sake, I\u2019d have to be fighting someone a lot tougher to consider it a Battle of Armageddon\u2026. Yeah, like Kraal.\u00a0 See, there\u2019s a good ex\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d\u00a0 Luscious slammed on the breaks and turned to his passenger, \u201cSorry, honey, I\u2019ve got to go.\u201d\u00a0 He didn\u2019t notice the woman\u2019s sad look as she reluctantly left the car.<\/p>\n
The Second Part:
\n(Old School Interlude)
\nA Few Palms\n<\/p>\n
A Book of Poetry and Song<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I.<\/p>\n
United States Government
\nRequisition<\/p>\n
ATTN: Werdna:<\/p>\n
Three months ago, you received a packet indicating that you owed $14,675.43 in back taxes for fraudulent deduction claims on your tax forms dated 1991-93.\u00a0 As you have not yet replied, we have no choice but to take legal action.\u00a0 If indeed you are under the impression that you are empowered to actually do something, write to your local congressman.\u00a0 We apologize for the inconvenience and hope that you enjoy the rest or your life.<\/p>\n
Thank You
\nThe Tax Department<\/p>\n
* * *<\/p>\n
Appeal To the Income People
\n(E-mail message off the cuff)<\/p>\n
Dearest Tax Department,<\/p>\n
We greatly respect you tax-type \u201cpeople\u201d (community, tribe, race, nation, clan, family.\u00a0 Persons, human beings, humans, men, man, folks, populace, communality, public, or however you define yourselves).\u00a0 The human body parts enclosed in this package do not represent our anger in any way, and were not removed from one `Bill Hickman’ who may, or may not, have once worked for you.\u00a0 He’s on a little…vacation right now, and enjoying it very much!\u00a0 WE HOPE HELL IS NICE!!\u00a0 We are, of course, writing in response to the letter received from you by our official maildog on June 12.\u00a0 It was not appreciated.\u00a0 We don’t quite know how you got into our building, nor are we enlightened as to why.\u00a0 You did, however, take the only copy of the Book of Palms.\u00a0 The vague allusions offered by your friendly telephone staff about the Book of Palms being \u2018collateral\u2019 for Werdna\u2019s debt are utter crap and, by the way, quite illegal.\u00a0 Given the fact that every lawyer seems to have been warned away from taking our case, we have no choice but to take matters in our own hands.\u00a0 The document, or \u2018collateral\u2019, which you stole is holy, and must immediately be returned to the First Church of God BOB Scientist for translation.\u00a0 Without the Book of Palms, the Boble is incomplete.\u00a0 Surely you understand how dire that situation is.\u00a0 Given, of course, there is a glimmer of humanity in those pig-like brains of yours.<\/p>\n
Kindly burn in hell,
\nA Real Person<\/p>\n
* * *<\/p>\n
Palm Eighteen
\nThe Dignity of Man\n<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ATTN: The Smart Ass Who Wrote the Letter, First Church of BOB, Scientist<\/p>\n
Well, you’ve sure got a set of balls don’t you?\u00a0 Let’s put it in simple terms: We in no way will tolerate such actions.\u00a0 And since you were dumb enough to include a return address, you had better watch those late nights in the parking garage.\u00a0 We’ve already put a hold on your account, and I would suggest you invest in some public transportation.\u00a0 We\u2019ve towed your car away.\u00a0 Yes, and the 76 Dodge Dart you were hiding in that Riverdale garage.\u00a0 You’re one hell of a bastard to go up against us like this, but it’s too late to take anything back!\u00a0 You’ve dug a pit for yourself this time, and we plan to defecate on your head now!\u00a0 We outnumber you, and outgun you.\u00a0 So there.<\/p>\n
Don’t Screw With Us,
\nThe Tax Department<\/p>\n
* * *<\/p>\n
Palm for the Overthrow of Hostile Nations<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
To The Tax Department:<\/p>\n
Do you actually think that letter scares us?\u00a0 We have the power of BOB on our side, so when you wake up tomorrow morning and your DICK falls off, just try taxing BOB!\u00a0 With one chant, we can do you in!\u00a0 You may outnumber us and outgun us, but we outman you.\u00a0 If you know what we mean.\u00a0 So there!<\/p>\n
Laughing In Your Face,
\nHuman Beings<\/p>\n
* * *<\/p>\n
The Tenth One
\nPrayer for Help against Oppressors\n<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Big words on e-mail.\u00a0 Fact is, we have the copy of Palms which you need in order to publish the Boble.\u00a0 We also have your little black car, your green Dodge Dart\u2026oh, and your ex-girlfriend provided us with a few other stories of yours.\u00a0 We\u2019re taking those too.\u00a0 Looking for the original disks?\u00a0 We took those while you were at work.\u00a0 Your Tori Amos CD\u2019s?\u00a0 Took those and burned them.\u00a0 You lose.\u00a0 Just pay up and we\u2019ll play nice.<\/p>\n
The Tax Department<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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