{"id":330,"date":"2009-05-20T07:05:42","date_gmt":"2009-05-20T12:05:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=330"},"modified":"2018-10-31T08:34:49","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T12:34:49","slug":"boble-vi-jobless-part-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=330","title":{"rendered":"Boble VI: Jobless, part one"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Book of Jobless<\/strong><\/p>\n

Chapter One
\n“Jobless and His Pie(ty)”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

In the land of Oz, there was a blameless and upstanding genitalia collection.\u00a0 Next door to this collection, in the guest house, was a man known as Jobless…<\/p>\n

All right, all right… A black lesbian known as Jobless…or a white lesbian. Anything really!\u00a0 See, the Boble can be fair to all minorities.\u00a0 Fucking niggers.<\/p>\n

Anyway, this ultimate white guy named Jobless acted as caretaker to the genitalia.\u00a0 No vaginas, either!\u00a0 Just lots and lots of lonely male genitalia!\u00a0 All in all, Jobless was a pretty cool guy.\u00a0 He had seven sons and seven trillion sheep in his basement.\u00a0 He also had three thousand camels he kept out back, five yoke of a hundred oxen in West Westphilia, and thirteen daughters in Herman’s Warehouse.\u00a0 Jobless was happily married to five hundred she-asses, and a great number of work animals.\u00a0 His daughters used to take turns being the feast, and they would make these beautiful embroidered invitations before they were skinned and boiled.\u00a0 And when each feast had run its course (like a five ton weight through a goose stretched between two fenceposts), Jobless would send for his drunk sons, whom he would trick into running naked through Lady Buckwald’s rose bed screaming bizarre and out-dated political jokes.<\/p>\n

Outwardly happy, Jobless was unaware of the eyes of a serpent.\u00a0 He was watched by the Evil Mister Bishop! (Lord of Nothing, Ex-Gym Teacher, Official Administrator, Evil Mr. B for short, Hail False Rob, ….ssssssss…..)<\/p>\n

Chapter Two
\n\u201cThe Nipple Rub\u201d\n<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In Bob Heavens (where there is revisited sausage), BOB looked down upon his court of red-headed angel-minxes. He had recently dismissed all the male angels in BOB Heavens (where this is bureaucratic sausage) and sent them on extended vacations.\u00a0 That left him with the need to assign important tasks to his angel-minxes. Then, in the interest of keeping them all healthy and fit, he had organized an early morning aerobics program.\u00a0 BOB sat upon a raised dais, sipping a cocktail and angling his purple-reflective shades against the sunlight.\u00a0 He was still in his pajamas – a silk, purplish shirt and a pair of black, silky bottoms. He had a pair of Tiva\u2019s on which looked as if they had traveled a few million miles.<\/p>\n

Candy Cane, a mousy little redheaded angel-minx, brought a tray of breakfast delights to BOB, laying them down on a stand beside the lounge chair BOB had chosen specifically for morning aerobics.\u00a0 Meanwhile, Binaca paced the length of the dais shouting orders to her fellow angel-minxes through a bullhorn.\u00a0 \u201cOne, two, jump\u2026\u201d etc.<\/p>\n

\u201cBinaca,\u201d BOB said groggily.<\/p>\n

The redhead stopped in her tracks and spun on a heel.\u00a0 She wore a loose, see-through white shirt and no underwear.\u00a0 BOB clicked his tongue slightly when she spun around, but seemed too tired to pursue any sexual desires.\u00a0 \u201cYes, My BOB,\u201d Binaca said huskily.<\/p>\n

\u201cAny word from the Earth Goddess lady?\u201d<\/p>\n

Binaca produced a strange half-smile, then cooed \u201cOh, BOB.\u00a0 You don\u2019t really want to -\u201c<\/p>\n

BOB cracked his knuckles and Binaca fell silent.\u00a0 \u201cBinaca\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Binaca cleared her throat awkwardly.\u00a0 \u201cI spoke with her secretary.\u00a0 You have an appointment later on.\u201d\u00a0 She sounded displeased, but turned back to directing the aerobics without any further comment.<\/p>\n

BOB was about to order the angel-minxes to remove their scanty clothing when he noticed something unusual.\u00a0 It took him a little while to focus, and when he did he was shocked to see the short, ugly shape of False Rob! (Eternal Freshman, Lord of Zits, Ex-junior High Kid, False Rob for short, Hail False Rob Who Is Short……ssssss……)<\/p>\n

\u201cWell I\u2019ll be damned,\u201d BOB muttered.\u00a0 He stood up and paced to the edge of the dais where Rob had pushed his way through the angel-minxes to stand.\u00a0 \u201cI haven\u2019t seen your sorry ass for a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Binaca stopped directing the aerobics as the angel-minxes broke in screams of terror, fleeing the room.\u00a0 She and Candy Cane stood protectively beside BOB.<\/p>\n

Rob was having trouble taking his eyes off of the sultry Binaca, \u201cWhere\u2019s Mistress EVE?\u201d Rob asked.<\/p>\n

BOB shrugged, \u201cSomewhere in Indonesia.\u00a0 What do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI just wanted to check in, see if you were still the supreme being\u2026 Just making sure no Earth Mothers were edging in on your territory\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDamn,\u201d BOB muttered under his breath, glaring at Binaca reproachfully.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, okay!\u201d Binaca shouted.<\/p>\n

BOB turned back to Rob, \u201cFrom whence dost thou comest?\u201d<\/p>\n

And Rob replied, “From roaming the Earth and urinating thereon.\u201d He was calm and smug now, this was a routine he and BOB went through every aeon or so.<\/p>\n

BOB said to Rob, “Okay, so now that the traditional greeting is over, I guess you have a target.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJobless!\u201d Rob replied excitedly.<\/p>\n

\u201cDamn!\u201d BOB glared at Binaca again, who seemed confused.\u00a0 \u201cMy dude Jobless is a bore.\u00a0 Though he never touches the genitalia in that awful collection.\u00a0 He\u2019d never betray me, anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rob smiled, \u201cMy bet is that Jobless will crack.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, think so, huh\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Binaca scrunched up her face worriedly, \u201cNow, boys\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah!\u201d Rob shouted back.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah!\u201d BOB replied, lurching drunkenly forward.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you are on, my friend.\u201d Rob replied.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

And so, one day, while Jobless was eating and drinking his children, a herdsman in his hire burst onto the scene and said: “All of your oxen and assholes were grazing in the outer field when large men from the East came and took them away while murdering all your herdsmen…” the herdsman took a moment to catch his breath, “and I alone have escaped to tell thee that all of your oxen and assholes were grazing in the outer field when large men from the East came and took them away while murdering all your herdsmen.”<\/p>\n

Jobless was quiet for a moment, trying to interpret the herdsman\u2019s rushed words.\u00a0 Finally it all sunk in.\u00a0 \u201cFuck,\u201d Jobless hissed.\u00a0 Then he went back to his meal with a little shrug.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

In Bob Heavens (where there is smug sausage), BOB said unto Rob, \u201cWell, that was easy.\u00a0 Unfazed\u2026Bobly\u2026 Told ya.\u201d<\/p>\n

Binaca proudly rubbed BOB\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

Looking down, Rob murmured a curse under his breath. “Then shall I try again?”<\/p>\n

“No.”<\/p>\n

Rob smirked. “Sorry.\u00a0 I\u2019ll rephrase: Then I shall try again!\u00a0 I shall torture him!”<\/p>\n

“Actually…uh…” BOB started to protest.<\/p>\n

Rob was whipped into a frenzy. “Ha!\u00a0 I shall give him facial herpes!”<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you really going to put up with this?\u201d Binaca asked.<\/p>\n

BOB looked at her sadly, \u201cIt\u2019s sort of in the contract\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

On the Earth, Jobless sat at his table.\u00a0 He was no longer hungry, and only mildly surprised when he was struck down with facial herpes.\u00a0 After this, Jobless opened his mouth and everyone backed away.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, why must I be tested so!\u201d Jobless shouted out.\u00a0 \u201cAlas, I put my faith in BOB.\u00a0 Surely this evil is not visited upon me by His holy hand.\u201d<\/p>\n

In Bob Heavens (where there is OBD II 3-way catalytic converter with 2 oxygen sensors, enhanced evaporation system sausage {California sausage includes secondary air injection pump}) BOB lay back on a couch, now fully dressed, while Rob paced in front of him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis guy is a nutter,\u201d Rob hissed.\u00a0 \u201cAnyone else would have turned by now.\u201d<\/p>\n

BOB grinned, keeping silent the knowledge that no option to turn had actually been presented to Jobless.\u00a0 Humans were rather blind when it came to seeing all the options\u2026as long as that stuck, then everything was okay.\u00a0 \u201cSo you admit defeat, Freshman of the Apocalypse?\u201d<\/p>\n

Rob stopped pacing and turned towards BOB, \u201cAh\u2026as if it were that easy\u2026<\/p>\n

BOB rolled his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cI shall\u00a0 kill his wife and he shall defecate upon your name!\u201d<\/p>\n

On Earth, as Jobless held his dying wife in his arms, he looked up and said. “Thank BOB for killing the bitch; I really hated her.\u00a0 And I am still loyal to BOB.”<\/p>\n

In Bob Heavens (where the sausage likes to dance and sing, drink English Cider and scream in tourists\u2019 ears) BOB could barely suppress his laughter.<\/p>\n

\u201cWow\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Rob seemed a little nervous this time around.\u00a0 He refused the tea that BOB offered, and hand-fed the Evil Mister B while he thought about the situation.\u00a0 “I could have his friends scorn him…”<\/p>\n

“They do that anyway,” BOB replied.<\/p>\n

So, on Earth, Jobless sat amoungst the ruins of his house and his land, all of his loved ones and livestock having been slaughtered when a man came along the road.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the fuck happened here?\u201d the man shouted over the stone fence dividing the road and Jobless\u2019 land.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou a tourist?\u201d Jobless asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d the man replied.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m from Virginia.\u00a0 The name\u2019s Bildad.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jobless nodded, \u201cHi,\u201d he said, sounding as dejected as he looked.<\/p>\n

\u201cLooks like you got a run of bad luck.\u201d Bildad said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI lost my Tori Amos CD\u2019s,\u201d Jobless replied.<\/p>\n

Bildad looked around the corpse-laden field where the smoldering ruins of Jobless\u2019 house lay.\u00a0 \u201cI would say you lost considerably more.\u00a0 I bet I know why.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you have to go to the train station or something?\u201d Jobless asked.<\/p>\n

Bildad shrugged, \u201cAnyway, it looks as if you have turned against BOB.\u00a0 Perhaps, even, BOB has abandoned you.\u00a0 Now\u2026I\u2019m not into this stuff, but have you considered the rewarding properties of False Rob?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFalse Rob has no hold over me\u2026 I love BOB, now and always.\u201d Jobless replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026\u201d Bildad seemed to think on this for awhile, then he said, \u201cHave you considered the rewarding possibilities of becoming a hippie and following the Earth Mother?\u201d<\/p>\n

In Bob Heavens (where there is surprised sausage) BOB spit his mouthful of ale across the bar.\u00a0 Binaca froze in her tracks, where she had been rolling a Guinness keg under the bar.\u00a0 Rob even seemed surprised, drinking a Sprite and munching on some crackers.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho the hell is that?\u201d BOB shouted at Rob once he recovered.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought he was working for me\u2026\u201d Rob muttered slowly.\u00a0 He seemed lost, confused.<\/p>\n

\u201cBy BOB\u2019s brown back hair!\u201d Binaca replied to Rob.\u00a0 Then she turned to BOB, \u201cSorry, picked that one up in the locker room\u2026\u201d She turned back to Rob, \u201cThis guy is working for the Earth Goddess!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019ve infiltrated my ranks!\u201d\u00a0 Rob fell to BOB\u2019s feet, \u201cYou must help me!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBegone, demon.\u00a0 Take that snake and get out of here.\u201d BOB commanded.<\/p>\n

Whimpering, Rob collected the Evil Bishop and backed out of Bob Heavens (where there is real ale and sausage).<\/p>\n

On Earth, Bildad continued to attack Jobless for his lack of faith.\u00a0 He handed out tracts concerning the Earth Mother, and pushed the hippie goodness of her ways.\u00a0 Finally the weather changed, and Bildad stopped in mid sentence.\u00a0 He straightened and looked up at the skies.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve been here too long.\u00a0 I must go.\u201d\u00a0 He looked down at Jobless, \u201cRemember what I told you!\u201d\u00a0 then he ran off down the street as the heavens opened and BOB descended with a phalanx of angel-minxes.<\/p>\n

He approached Jobless, “Greetings son, I am BOB and I have come to help you win the lottery.”<\/p>\n

“Oh…that’s cool!” Jobless replied.<\/p>\n

BOB laughed heartily. “But first we shall remove those boils so you don’t look so bad…not that you could look good next to me.”<\/p>\n

“Oh certainly not!” Jobless replied, as he was healed.<\/p>\n

(BOB turns to camera) “And you, too, boys and girls, can get great and wonderful gifts if you are loyal to BOB.\u00a0 Check your magic BOB decoder rings!\u00a0 If you have the number 808, then you have been chosen to serve me!\u00a0 Dial 1-808-808-0808 and give the operators your name.\u00a0 Johnny, tell them what they\u2019ll win!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you BOB.\u00a0 Each contestant will win a:
\nSIXFOOT FULL-COLOUR POSTER OF BOB,
\nA MAGIC, SUPER-SECRET SPECIAL TREASURE CHEST,
\nA PHOTO OF THE HOLY PAPERCLIPS,
\nTHE PLAYBOY ISSUE WITH MISTRESS EVE IN IT,
\nTHE OFFICIAL CONDOM OF BOB HEAVENS,
\nAN AUTOGRAPHED, CLOSE-UP PHOTO OF BOB’S ROOT CANAL, AND
\nYOUR VERY OWN SMACK ACROSS THE FACE!\u201d<\/p>\n

“Now get out of my face,” BOB commanded. (Smack!)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Book of Jobless Chapter One “Jobless and His Pie(ty)”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,150],"class_list":["post-330","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-old-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/330","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=330"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/330\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":902,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/330\/revisions\/902"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=330"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=330"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=330"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}