Chronicles of Scary Things in Your Future and the Book of Jobless see the appearance of Binaca, Bob\u2019s new right-hand redheaded angel-minx (and one of the authors of the Bob Jr. Scheme leading into the New Testicle), and has the first mention of the Blood Mistress Kraal.<\/p>\n
When I went back and put in the Bob Heavens narrative throughout the last half of the Old Testicle, the problem I had was that the Bob of the first half of the Old Testicle wasn\u2019t really there.\u00a0 Just a very long, very silly gag.\u00a0 Bob\u2019s characterization changed, Binaca showed up as a sort of balance to Bob\u2019s extreme misogyny, and, eventually, the Blood Mistress Kraal shows up.\u00a0 The Blood Mistress is the actual creator of humanity, and our God, but Bob stole the crown from her when he skipped town.<\/p>\n
It was much more fun to write in the Blood Mistress as an enemy, of sorts, instead of False Rob.\u00a0 But False Rob was popular with my very tiny fanbase.\u00a0 And since my very tiny fanbase had disposable income, False Rob stayed on.\u00a0 The Book of Jobless, cobbled together in 1990-91, is a sort of reward for the False Rob enthusiasts, since he\u2019s largely absent after the Tower of Bobbel.<\/p>\n
Again, the \u201cinterludes\u201d in the next two books of the Boble were added in 97.
\n<\/p>\n
Chronicles of Scary Chapter One Okay, caught your breath?\u00a0 Look, if you didn\u2019t take a break earlier, now is your chance.\u00a0 Go get some more booze, mix up a drink, grab a Twinkie and roll on back into the room.\u00a0 Here we go — another book of the Boble.<\/p>\n Genealogy in the Boble is a headache for translator and reader alike. We know the basic set up, and you can peruse the last few books to further acquaint yourself. Now, the original texts of the Boble have 159 pages focused on tracing the Boble family tree. We\u2019ve decided to omit all of it. Yes, you\u2019re welcome.<\/p>\n Chapter Two Dil had been anointed by BOB and the people of Heboland. His was the new regime, ready to move on to glorious heights.\u00a0 Yet, the Hebos had to reclaim their homeland.\u00a0 Though they were originally from a small suburb outside Lemuria, they felt that their native homeland was the land of Creebis. Of course, their people had been in the area for thousands of years, so one could argue against the claim.\u00a0 Also, Lemuria had sunk into the ocean and, possibly, didn\u2019t even exist.\u00a0 Who the fuck knows what was going on 10,000 years ago, anyway? So how did they originally get to Creebis?\u00a0 What brought them to this area of the world?\u00a0 Why did INXS seem like such a good band in the 80\u2019s but could never duplicate their sound ten years later? It all began with the Great Migration of Blood, back when the ancient pagan tribes worshipped the false goddess Kraal, the evil blood-mistress of violence and sex.\u00a0 The pagan tribes, apparently, drifted naturally from a belief in Kraal to their current Bobist philosophy.\u00a0 This change in deities is perfectly natural, of course.\u00a0 BOB, as always, seeks out exciting evenings with evil blood-mistresses of violence and sex. Who wouldn\u2019t?\u00a0 So, after a while, the pagan tribes decided to follow the guy who was dating their blood goddess because, well, honestly, he didn\u2019t ask for every second male infant to be burnt on a pyre.\u00a0 Some would argue that the blood goddess Kraal\u2019s fear of men was a little over the top, round the bend, off the level, and fucked up.<\/p>\n Anyway, once the Hebo tribes pulled their sorry, pagan selves together and began farming, electing government officials, and stressing the importance of consumerism (capitalist industrial encirclement) the faith of BOB started to make more and more sense.\u00a0 BOB was always a laissez-faire deity, which is the best type of god to have.\u00a0 No holidays, no sacrifices, no requirements.\u00a0 Trickle down grace.<\/p>\n But the truth of BOB\u2019s takeover is far more sinister.\u00a0 We should take a moment to tell you that the whole Dick and Candi thing is a metaphor.\u00a0 While BOB wants you to believe they were the first actual Humans, the truth is that they were two representatives of the na\u00efve pagan tribes, kidnapped and moved 1000 miles from home where they would be quietly brainwashed into the great faith of BOB.\u00a0 All of Humanity afterwards would be judged by these two prototypes.\u00a0 Too bad they fucked up, eh?<\/p>\n The rest, of course, is history. But the texts skirt over the actual acquisition of the Holy Land, since the original migration took place under the rule of the blood mistress. Since the arrival of the pagan tribes and their adoption of all things BOB, the Holy Land had been gained and lost repeatedly throughout the centuries – its importance based on a simple principle. Creebis was the nicest spot in the whole desert.\u00a0 The Hebos, through no fault of their own, had fallen into a vicious cycle of slavery, persecution and depression.\u00a0 Creebis was also inhabited by the Flipizines, you see. Previously, they were a separate pagan tribe that ran madly through the desert eating dirt and raping unwary sand monkeys but, with the coming of the Hebo peoples, they had to change their plan. It was not until Dil\u2019s reign when the Hebos finally, firmly established themselves as a serious nation.\u00a0 The only problem was kicking the heathens out of Heboland (nee Creebis). So the Hebo\u2019s went unto Dil, shortly upon his ascension to the throne, and begged him to lead them into glory.<\/p>\n Dil, political in his youth, approached a representative of the blue-painted heathens native to Creebis and attempted to work out a deal.<\/p>\n \u201cI wish to bring my people to your land,\u201d Dil said.<\/p>\n The pagan representative sat back in his chair (made out of human bone and skin), \u201cYour people have been here for several thousand years. You\u2019ve been a thorn in our side since forever. You may not enter these lands, you are not welcome. Our people have lived here since the world was a seed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA seed?\u201d Dil shook his head and walked out of the chamber, returning to his people.\u00a0 That night, he prayed long and hard to BOB.<\/p>\n \u201cOh BOB, these pagans do not cooperate with thy will.\u201d<\/p>\n And BOB replied, \u201cWhat pagans? Who are you?\u00a0 How did you get this number\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n So, based on the word of BOB, Dil led his people into Heboland despite the pagans\u2019 request. He took over the Creebis Exchange Building (Central Docking District stroke B slash T #176542). The lands were still filled with pagans, and that\u2019s when Dil turned to his noble servant Chico who, unfortunately, was wanted in 37 States for rape, murder, grand larceny, armed robbery, sodomy and wearing hats in the First Welsh Baptist Church of Frostburg, MD.<\/p>\n \u201cRid these lands,\u201d Dil said unto Chico, \u201cof the pagan heathens. Then I shall give you a made up title.\u201d<\/p>\n So Chico set out and exterminated every pagan with brutal Spanish fury.<\/p>\n Dil then surrounded himself with powerful chiefs and he began to rule Heboland with an iron fist. He created a secret police force, responsible for \u201ccuring\u201d all thought crimes against Dil. Then Dil began the ritual genocide of all impure Hebos.\u00a0 The crippled, the insane, and the cum-gargling male senators were all taken away to distant lands where they were \u201crelocated\u201d into mass graves. Once this had been achieved, Dil strengthened his grip. He enjoyed the company of women and was very studly. Everyone loved him to little bits. They had to.<\/p>\n Then Dil set about creating a place for the Holy Satchel which held the coconuts upon which the Sixteen and a Half Commandments were written. His dream was to build a great temple, and now it seemed that such a dream would come to pass. So Dil set out to Etho-sho-demo\u2019s house to pick up the Holy Satchel. With him he brought musicians, movie stars, and an entire entourage of celebrities and political appointees. The Hebos followed in droves, gawking at the parade of famous people heading for the Holy Satchel. All of the press was there – it was as if everything in the world had stopped, and only this single holy event was taking place.\u00a0 Dil led this event with such glory, such beauty, that the cameras trained on him whenever possible.\u00a0 This was the greatest moment for all of the Hebos.<\/p>\n Dil approached the Satchel-keeper, a matronly woman installed powerfully behind a high desk. Without looking up, she said:\u00a0 \u201cWhat can I do for you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am Dil, king of the Hebos.\u201d Dil proclaimed.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, of course. What can I do for you?\u201d<\/p>\n Dil smiled largely and spread his arms, turning to the cameras and the crowd behind him, then looking back at the Satchel-keeper. \u201cI have come to take the Holy Satchel to a place of worship, where it shall be installed on the throne of BOB and exist as the – \u201c<\/p>\n The Satchel-Keeper interrupted, \u201cDo you have Form B Slash 7?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n The Satchel-keeper looked over the rim of her glasses with steel-grey eyes.\u00a0 \u201cForm B.\u00a0 Slash 7.\u201d<\/p>\n Dil looked around, \u201cI\u2026uh\u2026 Look, I\u2019m the king of the Hebos.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMmm-hmm, but without Form B Slash 7, the Satchel isn\u2019t going anywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis is absurd!\u201d Dil shouted, \u201cWe\u2019re going to build a huge temple for the Satchel where it will – \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d the Satchel-keeper muttered, \u201cWe don\u2019t get government funding for a year then, all of a sudden, you have the money to build a temple.\u00a0 And what happens to us? Out on the street selling pickles? I don\u2019t think so. Get yourself a Form B Slash 7. And that\u2019s only a temporary lease.\u201d The Satchel-keeper spat her last words, standing up and glaring down at Dil.<\/p>\n \u201cAh\u2026\u201d Dil looked awkward, \u201cWhere is\u2026uh\u2026the form?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cB Slash 7?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, yes!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHere,\u201d the Satchel-keeper handed Dil a piece of paper. \u201cThis is Form A Dash 11. You need to fill this form out to get on the B Slash 7 waiting list.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWaiting list?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLook, these are the 16 and a half Commandments.\u00a0 This is the word of BOB, here.\u00a0 That\u2019s not just for the self-appointed King of the Hebos, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n Dil grumbled and began filling in the form.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Chronicles of Scary Things in Your Future and the Book of Jobless see the appearance of Binaca, Bob\u2019s new right-hand redheaded angel-minx (and one of the authors of the Bob Jr. Scheme leading into the New Testicle), and has the …<\/p>\n
\nThings in Your Future<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nFrom Dick to Abrahamilton<\/p>\n
\nThe Taking of Heboland (A Brief History Supplement)
\nor
\nBobological Revisionist History<\/p>\n