Throughout the life of the Boble, I printed several “editions.”\u00a0 All done by hand — spiral binding from the office supply store and a xerox machine.\u00a0 The first editions of the Boble that were distributed were the “Anarchistic Red” and “Intellectual Black” copies (referring to the color of the binders, which I shoplifted) in 1990.\u00a0 Then I did the spiral binding in 91 with the First Edition of “The Most Holy Boble.”\u00a0 A Second Edition came out two years later, which sold for $5 a copy and actually earned $500.\u00a0 Which, considering the cost to produce it, kind of outstrips my current book sales.<\/p>\n
1993 also saw the completion of the “New Testicle,” and so the First Revised Edition was released, only selling a few copies.\u00a0 Over the following years, I went back and fleshed out the last of the Old Testicle with the plot to install Bob Jr. as the messiah, and\u00a0 this took the form of several sections set with Bob, or in Bob Heavens, where he and his cohorts put the plan together. Or some, like the below, were just pure filler (I was obsessed with page counts in the mid 90’s).\u00a0 I edited out a page of shit that didn’t make sense, so if you’re one of the two people who still has an old Boble, you can see what I’m hiding from you!<\/p>\n
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Various Kings & Other Absolute Monarchs: Epilogue<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n (Camera Two)<\/em> BOB:<\/strong> Well, Dean, it’s actually quite simple.\u00a0 It all began on Tuesday night when EVE was mixing –<\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> Oh!\u00a0 Sorry, Big Guy, I’ve got a caller on line one.\u00a0 Sheila Parker, and she desperately needs to talk to you.<\/p>\n (Camera One)<\/em> Caller:<\/strong>\u00a0 …lo?\u00a0 Hello?\u00a0 BOB?\u00a0 Am I speaking to BOB?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Yes Sheila, this is BOB.<\/p>\n (Camera Two)<\/em> Sheila:<\/strong> Well, BOB, are you the one who calls all the shots?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Yes, Sheila…<\/p>\n Sheila:<\/strong> I mean – I mean, Are you…God?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Well, Sheila, we try not to use that term anymore in Bob Heavens –<\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> Um-ummm!\u00a0 Where there’s ROBUST sausage!<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Um, yes Dean.\u00a0 Anyway, Sheila, we try not to use that term anymore.\u00a0 I’d rather you consider me your Big Brother.\u00a0 Perhaps \u201cSupreme Reality\u201d.<\/p>\n Sheila:<\/strong> Well then, BOB, are you the Supreme Reality?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong>\u00a0 Actually, on second thought, I try to stay away from reality.\u00a0 Today, let\u2019s use the phrase \u201cUndetermined Totality\u201d.<\/p>\n Sheila:<\/strong> Then, BOB, are you the Grand Supreme Undetermined Totality of the universe?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Yes.\u00a0 Yes I am.<\/p>\n Sheila:<\/strong> Well, then, fuck you! You killed my husband!<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Oh, thanks Sheila.\u00a0 You call up god and tell him to fuck off and then think you can laugh about it afterward?\u00a0 I’ll get you.\u00a0 I know where you live.\u00a0 I’ll come over there and eat your dog, you little…”<\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> Um, BOB, Big Guy, alot of critics believe there is some discontinuity in the last few chapters of the Boble.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Besides\u2026Sheila the Damned\u2026 Your husband was asking for it.<\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> Um\u2026<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Yes, Dean.\u00a0 To your question\u2026 There is a certain cryptic feel to the last part of this particular chapter.\u00a0 Damn thing hardly makes sense to me, actually. But I like to read it.\u00a0 Gives me a funny headache.\u00a0 Makes me want to do funny things and, being god, I can do funny things.\u00a0 I can bug you without even touching you, Dean.<\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> (laughs)<\/em> No you can’t.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Yes I can.\u00a0 Does this bug you Dean?\u00a0 I’m not touching you, Dean…<\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> Okay\u2026 Okay.\u00a0 Stop.\u00a0 Please?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Anyway, any other questions?<\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> We have another caller.<\/p>\n (Camera one)<\/em><\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ooohhhh\u2026<\/p>\n (Camera Two)<\/em><\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> Go ahead caller.<\/p>\n Caller Two:<\/strong> This is Justin.<\/p>\n Dean & BOB:<\/strong> Hello Justinian.<\/p>\n Justin:<\/strong> Just Justin.\u00a0 Anyway, I was wondering about women.\u00a0 Um, BOB.\u00a0 How does one attract red-headed angel-minxes with pepperminty goodness between their legs.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> For mortals, a fine female will do.\u00a0 Take any flavor, Justine\u2026but if you’re obsessed, I suggest a bottle of red hair dye and a peppermint flavored douche.<\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> They make those?\u00a0 The douche, I mean?\u00a0 And it’s Justin.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Cherry, peppermint, all flavors.\u00a0 If you go to the right stores you can find one.\u00a0 Take a shower, peppermint douche, your boyfriend will be eating you out for hours girls.<\/p>\n Justin:<\/strong> So how do I attract them?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Try licking your eyebrows.<\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> Old joke.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Okay, okay.\u00a0 Sorry. Try rewriting the Boble into a clever and sarcastic text.\u00a0 Work on it for over a decade, then mass produce it without editing it.\u00a0 If the right girls suffer through it, they\u2019ll flock to you.\u00a0 They\u2019ll write fan letters asking for signed copies and, before you know it, five thousand copies of your parody Boble will be spread across the globe and you won\u2019t have earned a cent.\u00a0 But if you get laid, more power to you.<\/p>\n Dean:<\/strong> And with that, we\u2019re out of time.\u00a0 Thank you for joining us today.\u00a0 BOB, thank you.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Thank you, Dean.<\/p>\n (Camera Two)<\/em> BOB:<\/strong> (Off camera)<\/em> Up yours, America.<\/p>\n (Theme music, credits, fade to commercial)<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Throughout the life of the Boble, I printed several “editions.”\u00a0 All done by hand — spiral binding from the office supply store and a xerox machine.\u00a0 The first editions of the Boble that were distributed were the “Anarchistic Red” and …<\/p>\n
\nDean:<\/strong> …and we’re back.\u00a0 Uh, BOB, I’m wondering if you can clear up this whole buttermilk biscuit thing…?<\/p>\n
\nBOB:<\/strong> Certainly, Dean.\u00a0 Go ahead Sheila.\u00a0 This is BOB.<\/p>\n
\nDean:<\/strong> And Dean!<\/p>\n
\nDean:<\/strong> And goodnight, America.<\/p>\n