Chapter Three
\n“Prophets of Profit”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Elongate the Reallybitten from Reallybite, west of Bruce Hardwood, Inc. and four miles North of \u201cGrassland,\u201d which was near Drak’s Cervix, predicted a natural catastrophe one fine Tuesday morning. This was apparently important if you were in the \u201cdetermine the prophet business.\u201d Of course, it wouldn\u2019t fly today. But you know how these pagan heathens were, someone sees clouds and yelps rain and the next thing you know – bang – Messiah.<\/p>\n
Anyway, Elon addressed the crowds. \u201cAs the BOB, BOB of the Hebos, lives, whom I serve, during these years, then shall no rain, except my word.”<\/p>\n
The Hebos, puzzled by Elon\u2019s odd syntax (actually, the error comes in our translation. Deciphering the ancient code of the Boble is something like translating German literally: Er fing die big volf in die nuts an<\/em>) were unable to grasp the meaning of the statement. \u201cYo, Elon\u2026\u201d BOB said.<\/p>\n \u201cYo, Elon\u2026\u201d a sweet and musical female voice mocked.<\/p>\n BOB shushed the young lady, who appeared to be in the ventilation shaft.\u00a0 She made a purring sound but was otherwise quiet as BOB addressed his prophet: “Go unto the desert, my son – ”<\/p>\n “I’m in the desert!!” Elon barked irritably.<\/p>\n BOB cleared his throat. “Go deeper into the desert, my son, and seek shelter in the lands that are desert as they were desert before!\u00a0 You shall drink from the desert stream of desert water, and never desert my faith in the desert…even during dessert.\u00a0 Thus shall I maybe possibly command the ravens to feed upon…\u201d BOB coughed, \u201cto feed you.\u201d<\/p>\n And so Elon went to the stream in the desert.\u00a0 By day he would get a nice tan, and by night he would golf.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you know,\u201d he told the anchorwomen – Miss Smily Jane of NBC – \u201c…..it’s all just one big sandtrap woo woo…\u201d Elon shuffled around a bit and smiled.<\/p>\n After some time, however, although, the brook, somehow, as can be seen, ran dry (guitar solo).\u00a0 Elon marched rapidly with a maddeningly slow pace through the Desert of Contradiction.\u00a0 He was tired wide awake thirsty and drinking the whole time.\u00a0 In those long short medium days, he came closer to BOB…and hallucinations.<\/p>\n It was not until he left when he met a widow and punched her out.\u00a0 He then stayed with the widow and prayed, “Oh BOB, my BOB, will thy even kill the widow’s son I now sleep with?”\u00a0 And with that, he forced himself upon the widow’s son.<\/p>\n “See!?” Elon screamed to the widow, “your son lives…barely.”<\/p>\n As morning came forth, the family dog dropped dead.<\/p>\n “Oh BOB, my BOB,” said Elon, bending over the dog, “Is this dog to die?\u00a0 Please breathe life into him.”<\/p>\n And so he (BOB) did. And then BOB said, “I have been testing you all this time.\u00a0 The word of BOB is uttered from your mouth, and now I shall bless you with the word of BOB being uttered from your mouth.\u00a0 Thou art to be my first real prophet of profit.”<\/p>\n And thus, ten years later, still during a drought, Elon stood upon his pedestal and said, “Let this drought end, and be there rain!”\u00a0 And there was. Holy shit.\u00a0 We haven\u2019t had an \u201cand there was\u201d for a few chapters now.<\/p>\n Then Elon said, “Now I shall defeat all other soothsayers in the land with this leaden club!”\u00a0 And so he pummeled all the other prophets to death, took over the land, and preached the word of BOB: “EAT, DRINK, COPULATE…”<\/p>\n Then the king of the Hebos said, “I art a better prophet than you.\u00a0 Shall we light a fire and see?”<\/p>\n “And so we shall see, light thy fire, baby baby.\u00a0 Come on babeeee, light thy fire!”<\/p>\n And the king lit a small brushfire.<\/p>\n “A-ha!” Elon decreed. “I can do better.”<\/p>\n “Then do so!” ordered the king.<\/p>\n Thus Elon lit a blaze beneath the king’s robes, and the king of the Hebos was devoured in flame.<\/p>\n “TRULY BOB IS GREATER!” screamed the people in a maddening frenzy popular amoungst the Germans at the time.<\/p>\n “Truly.” Elon crossed his arms. He held his tongue, for he wanted to go into a Nazi tirade. But that would come later.\u00a0 For now, shake a few hands, kiss a few babies, and then a heartbeat away from the football\u2026from the bomb.\u00a0 Fuck them all.\u00a0 He\u2019d take the country, bomb the commies and kill everything.\u00a0 Fuck the world.\u00a0 Elon wanted his penis to be attorney general.\u00a0 He wanted everything.\u00a0 But, no, for now play along.\u00a0 BOB and everyone else thinks he\u2019s the prophet\u2026the normal guy.\u00a0 The Okay Guy.\u00a0 He\u2019s good in bed.\u00a0 He obeys the laws. He buys the right CDs and goes to all the sales.\u00a0 But soon\u2026.soon they shall see.<\/p>\n But they didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Elon died poor and alone, leaving only twenty volumes of esoteric occult studies floating around in used bookstores and three half-breed illegitimate children on welfare somewhere in East St. Louis. Regardless, he was taken up to Bob Heavens (where there is burning sausage) in a whirlwind of Jell-o.\u00a0 Elon’s last words, as he donned a pair of roundish, metal-rimmed, purple-reflective sunglasses were thus: “TAKE MANY DRUGS MY CHILDREN AND BE COOL!”<\/p>\n “We don’t need drugs to achieve our high!” called BOB when Elon reached the top of Jack’s Elevator, “we simply drink lots of coffee.\u00a0 Well, there’s that whole buttermilk biscuit thing too…”<\/p>\n “Than what be that on thy nose?” asked Elon.<\/p>\n “Powdered milk,” replied BOB. Calm, practiced.\u00a0 BOB was ready for any question at any time.<\/p>\n \u201cGreat Lord BOB, do I cross the blue wire with the green?\u201d a voice called from the electric\u2019s room.<\/p>\n BOB spun around.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2026uh\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh man,\u201d Elon muttered as the lights blinked out.<\/p>\n \u201cAnti-gravity\u2019s off line, life support\u2019s failing!\u201d shouted a scantily clad red-headed angel-minx.\u00a0 Her slinky, silver space dress glinted despite the lack of light.<\/p>\n \u201cQuick, you can all survive by sucking on my – \u201c<\/p>\n Ever calm.\u00a0 Ever prepared.\u00a0 That was our BOB.\u00a0 He was the hero of the hour.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Chapter Three “Prophets of Profit”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,150],"class_list":["post-325","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-old-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=325"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":926,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325\/revisions\/926"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=325"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=325"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=325"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nNot even BOB understood that sentence.\u00a0 But the Great One still had to act like he knew what was going on.\u00a0 He appeared to Elon in the bathroom, speaking from the nearest unoccupied stall.<\/p>\n