Various Kings & Other Absolute Monarchs<\/p>\n
Chapter One
\n\u201cNew King Sockit2him\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“King Number One is a tall, brown-haired man of twenty-nine.\u00a0 He enjoys yogurt, bathing in Jell-o, and women.\u00a0 His hobbies are sand collecting, infanticide, and harboring a fear of Germany.\u00a0 He is King of all the Hebos, and believes the stories about Catherine the Great and her stallion.\u00a0 Son of Dil, this king is very rich and has seventy-two palaces spread out across his grand kingdom.\u00a0 He’s in direct contact with BOB at all times, and is thusly rewarded with a twelve inch wang.\u00a0 He really hates Egyptians but says, `I’ll get it on with the Fayro’s daughter any day, woof woof!’\u00a0 Lady Number One…?”<\/p>\n
“I’ll take him home, does he have a leash?”<\/p>\n
New King Sockit2him stood up, outraged. “Now…now…now… I’m not for sale!\u00a0 This is a pure outrage!\u00a0 Oh yeah, you all can run now, but when my guards catch up with you, you\u2019ll be running with your chins!”<\/p>\n
The new king rubbed his eyes, and splashed some water on his face.\u00a0 “Damn bastard in here every morning trying to marry me… if he weren’t family, I’d have him sewn to a camel and sent out into the desert.”<\/p>\n
It had been a short month since Dil had been laid to rest in the flowerbed, and the kingdom was in turmoil.\u00a0 You see, the people of the kingdom realized that it was nearly impossible to read the entire Boble clear through.\u00a0 The thing just didn’t make sense unless you picked random snatches and read them while playing strange music.\u00a0 Of course, it’s not even halfway through yet!\u00a0 Tell me if that doesn’t scare you!\u00a0 It scares us, because we’ve all just gone insane.\u00a0 (In which case, it doesn’t scare us.)\u00a0 So we’re not scared.\u00a0 Just a little testy and bored. Actually, we\u2019re having fun. No, that\u2019s a lie too.<\/p>\n
Anyway, a tribe of people… Hey, you know what we need?\u00a0 Bright colors!\u00a0 Something new and different…<\/p>\n
Anyway, a tribe of people were constantly invading the land of the Hebos.\u00a0 King Sock could never pronounce the name of this tribe – but it sounded like Presbyterian.\u00a0 He knew that much.<\/p>\n
“Guard!” Sock called (a little argyle sock.\u00a0 A little argyle sock…!), and a guard promptly jumped out of his argyle closet.<\/p>\n
“Guard!” Argyle Sock called out, “Find my uncle and rape his daughters so that he stops trying to marry them to me.”<\/p>\n
“Aye, sir!” the guard called as he left.\u00a0 (Surrender your tank!)<\/p>\n
As Sock went to his throne, he pondered over what Dil had said: `The bitch really got me that time…oww.’\u00a0 Sock had created a new kingdom on these words, and the phrase became a well-known adjective with the peasants; an example follows:<\/p>\n
“Hello Ahab the Not An A-rab.”
\n“Morning, Tom the Too Jew.”
\n“Very humourous.\u00a0 I’d like a pound of milk and a quart of cheese.”
\n“That’ll be twenty-nine dollars.”
\n“Holy Smokes, that’s a thebitchreallygotmethattimeoww!”
\n“Well…inflation.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\nSock had also installed the name `BOB’ in all forms of speech.\u00a0 BOB was a noun, adjective, pronoun, conjunction, adverb, and verb.\u00a0 An example follows:<\/p>\n
“Hello Ahab BOB not BOB A-rab.”
\n“BOB, Tom BOB Too BOB.”
\n“BOB BOBrous.\u00a0 I’BOB like BOB pound of BOB, BOB a quart of BOB.”
\n“That’ll BOB twenty-BOB BOB.”
\n“Holy BOBs!\u00a0 That’s BOB theBOBreallyBOBBOBthattimeBOB!”
\n“BOB…InflaBOB.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\nDespite screwing up spoken language, Sock was really a very wise person.\u00a0 Sock rose to ultimate power (and he built some old temple).\u00a0 He also had some chief officers, as listed:<\/p>\n
Aztec, son of Inca: Priest
\nJimmy BOB, BOB of BOB: Language BOB and BOB on TuesBOBs.
\nShat: Chancellor
\nSnorkel Snarf Snarf Snoridian: Person with funny name to tease
\nCoach Bill: The Man With The Soda Machine Key
\nJack MLXIV: Sunglass maker
\nCandied Violet: Stripper
\nThe Butch: The stripper you don\u2019t take home to mom.
\nZorro The Hot Spaniard: Pimp\/Male Prostitute
\nBill Smith: A Guy To Throw Stones At<\/p><\/blockquote>\nAnyway, the temple was built.\u00a0 This was considered a great temple, and everyone loved it.\u00a0 Yay!\u00a0 The temple was dedicated to BOB, and all was fine until Sock…<\/p>\n
Chapter Two
\n“The Other Kings”<\/p>\n…died.\u00a0 Next, King Abijibibibhib took over.\u00a0 He reigned for two days before he exploded.\u00a0 The next reign was that of King Redridinghood. He was looked upon disfavourably because he was a\u00a0 fornicator with other kings.\u00a0 Next, King Abijammindude took over, and he reigned for a long time before his bicycle seat fell off and he was impaled.\u00a0 Then King Asiaticlandwar took power, but someone found out that he was a North Korean spy and he was sealed into the dining table. Alive. His slant-eyed yellow face a mask of horror at every meal.\u00a0 Then King Nibib took power, but he was proven to be a woman.\u00a0 Then King Baaaassssshhhhaaaa took over, but his name was too long to fit on the crown.\u00a0 King Elam was next; he was a madman who killed the other kings after he died.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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