At one point, I was concerned about going to a country where I don\u2019t speak the language and the people there don\u2019t really speak mine. Then a professor dropped this nugget on me: \u201cAs long as you don\u2019t stop listening, it doesn\u2019t matter if you and someone else speak another language. You\u2019ll find a way to understand each other.”<\/p>\n
Did I mention that Czech is an impossible language? Yes, it\u2019s more Latin based than Cyrillic(1), but there\u2019s enough of that crazy Russian shit in there to make it a bit of a slog. I\u2019m focusing on the important phrases: \u201cI don\u2019t speak Czech very well.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cDo you understand English?\u201d \u201cMay I have another beer, please?\u201d \u201cWhere is the bathroom?\u201d \u201cHow much for the girl?\u201d \u201cGo fuck yourself, commie!\u201d As long as I get these down, I don\u2019t expect there to be any problems.<\/p>\n
Unless they stem from the beard.<\/p>\n
I mean, what if I get accosted by some al Qaeda guy who wants me to join? I could be walking down the street, minding my own business when a real jihadist could show up with a pamphlet, a catalogue, a copy of \u201cDianetics,\u201d or whatever those crazy fuckers are using as part of their pyramid scheme.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, man. You\u2019ve already got the beard. You\u2019re halfway there. All we need now is $1,500 Canadian and your signature on this Non-Disclosure Agreement. Then you\u2019re on your way to lovely, scenic Yemen. Don\u2019t worry. Yemen\u2019s great. Except for the mosquitos. You\u2019ve seen Heavy Metal<\/em>, right? Remember that thing Den rides off on with the naked girl? The small ones are about that big. That\u2019s okay though. You needed a malaria shot for Prague anyway, right?\u201d<\/p>\n Actually, the only recommended inoculation for traveling to the Czech Republic was Hepatitis A, which apparently all the kids get before college nowadays. Since I was also due for a tetanus shot, my wife and I made an appointment for a consultation at a travel clinic.<\/p>\n Once there, the doctor said, \u201cNow I want to recommend also getting inoculated for Hepatitis B if you\u2019re planning on traveling to Prague for any group sex activities.\u201d<\/p>\n I turned to my wife. \u201cWe should get the Hep B, right?\u201d<\/p>\n After a while the pain subsided. (Not from the shots. We hadn\u2019t gotten those yet.) So I asked the doctor why she so casually asked about group sex. Apparently, Prague is a popular group sex travel destination. In fact, it\u2019s the center of the European porn industry. I honestly didn’t know this fact which kind of makes me question the amount of porn I\u2019m watching.<\/p>\n There\u2019s another reason I shouldn\u2019t shave the beard: Without it, I look like a porn director. I don\u2019t want to get mistaken for one of those either, especially<\/em> since I didn\u2019t get the Hep B shot.<\/p>\n Besides, my beard is more radical hippie than jihadist. I mentioned this fact to my wife who replied, \u201cYeah, but haven\u2019t you been researching a screenplay on the Manson Family for the past two years?\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s true. I have been. My computer is loaded with Google and YouTube searches for \u201cManson,\u201d \u201cSqueaky Fromme,\u201d \u201cTate-Labianca Murders,\u201d \u201cFord Assassination Attempt,\u201d and \u201cPrague Group Sex Travel.\u201d Since I plan on working on the script while in Prague, I\u2019m bringing a variety of Manson books that can only be described as \u201cfucking creepy.\u201d Explaining them at customs when I get pulled aside for my jihadist beard could be difficult.<\/p>\n CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: \u201cWhy do you have all these books on Manson?\u201d<\/p>\n ME: \u201cIt\u2019s research for a film project.\u201d<\/p>\n CUSTOMS OFFICIAL:\u00a0 \u201cOn the Manson family?\u201d<\/p>\n ME: \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n CUSTOMS OFFICIAL:\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s really weird.\u201d<\/p>\n ME: \u201cAt least I\u2019m not a jihadist.\u201d<\/p>\n * International incident ensues.*<\/p>\n You know what though? I\u2019m keeping the beard. I like it. It\u2019ll keep my face warm during the Prague winter. And if some small minded individual wants to gives me flack for it, or my keffiyeh, or dressing like a killer hippie, that\u2019s their problem. I\u2019m just going to smile and walk away. I will not judge them. I will not engage in conflict. After all, I\u2019m an ambassador now. I\u2019m representing the United States, a flawed country to be sure, but one I love nonetheless.<\/p>\n But the first person who calls me a hipster is getting punched in the face.<\/p>\n (1. AUTHOR’S EDIT: Czech is actually classified as a Slavic language, which indeed takes more from Cyrillic than Latin languages. However, there *is* enough of a Latin influence to not make a complete liar out of me.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cSo,\u201d a friend says to me the other day, \u201cSince you\u2019re going to Europe for four months, you\u2019re shaving off your jihadist beard, right?\u201d \u201cWhy?\u201d I asked. \u201cWell, you don\u2019t want people to think you\u2019re a terrorist\u2026 or worse, a …<\/p>\n![\""Drop](\"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/DSC_1429.jpg\")
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