James was working through the Belgian beers on the Quarry House menu while I was deciding what to do after their meager Scottish collection.<\/p>\n
\u201cI find women who can’t cook endearing.\u201d He said over the menu.<\/p>\n
I muttered a reply, considering a shift to the Abita Jockamo, which I always found to be one of the more outstanding IPA\u2019s.\u00a0 But, with the Quarry House\u2019s attempt at a worldly beer menu, it felt somewhat common to order something made in the US.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
It was a few minutes before I realized that both James and the waitress were staring at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh?\u201d I asked James, while looking at the waitress.<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh?\u201d They both replied in unison.<\/p>\n
\u201cUh\u2026the Jockamo.\u201d I ordered.<\/p>\n
The waitress narrowed her eyes.\u00a0 I pointed at the listing on the menu and she said, \u201cAh, Abita!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you find endearing about women?\u201d James asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cTits.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, Nacho.\u00a0 Please try and be serious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u00a0 Cunts.\u201d<\/p>\n
James shuddered, then changed the subject.\u00a0 \u201cWell\u2026 Thank god we went out to drink.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re paying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGlad to do so, since the alternative is sitting by candlelight in your dismal apartment drinking scotch you stole from your weekend job years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing wrong with that.\u201d\u00a0 I glared at the crowded tables surrounding us.<\/p>\n
\u201cHeaven forbid a dime escapes your pocket.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbita\u2019s six bucks, James.\u00a0 We could get a six pack for that.<\/p>\n
\u201cShit, Nacho, just when I think you’re okay, I’m violently reminded of your Hibernian heritage.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot Irish.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy heritage is Scottish.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIsn\u2019t that what Hibernian means?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u00a0 It\u2019s what the Romans called Ireland.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure about that?<\/p>\n
\u201cActually\u2026no.\u00a0 Not 100%.\u201d<\/p>\n
Two beers arrived.\u00a0 My Abita, and a dirty glass, and James got a liter of some insane Belgian brew that poured out milky white.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the fuck is that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMonk cum.\u201d<\/p>\n
I watched him, horrified, as he tipped the glass to his lips and chugged the monk cum.\u00a0 Then he slammed the glass on the table and screamed, \u201cI love cum!\u201d<\/p>\n
That cleared the table pressing up against ours, which had been occupied by three metrosexuals and a weird looking girl who performed a windmill technique to remove and put on her coat.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood night!\u201d James shouted as they left.\u00a0 Then, still at top volume, he turned back to me and said, \u201cIs it wrong if I want to fuck a black girl, really hard, from behind, while playing a Youtube video of MLK’s \u2018I Have a Dream\u2019 speech?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you know, as long as it\u2019s consensual.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe whole speech is sexual, you know.\u201d\u00a0 I tipped my glass towards his, \u201cYou done?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, there\u2019s still half a liter of cum in here.\u201d\u00a0 He tapped the bottle.\u00a0 Watched me watch him.\u00a0 Then, somewhat hesitantly, he refilled his glass.\u00a0 \u201cSexual?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh-ho-ho.\u00a0 Yeah, yeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.\u201d<\/p>\n
James laughed, then screamed, \u201cPut \u2018em on the glass, New York!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!\u201d<\/p>\n
Several tables near us had fallen into a sullen silence.\u00a0 James blinked.\u00a0 \u201cUh\u2026is that sexual?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe \u2018Alleghenies of Pennsylvania\u2019?\u00a0 Are you serious?\u00a0 How more sexual can you get?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2026don\u2019t quite\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
I waved him off, \u201cThen the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado and then the curvaceous slopes of California.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, okay.\u00a0 Curvaceous slopes is a little over the top.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd every hill and molehill of Mississippi.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo was King saying that Mississippi women have small tits?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe was, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI really want to have sex during that speech now.\u201d<\/p>\n
The waitress, who had been standing unnoticed beside us, cleared her throat.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnother Abita,\u201d I muttered.<\/p>\n
\u201cSurprise me,\u201d James said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2026can\u2019t.\u201d\u00a0 The waitress looked uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can\u2019t just pick a random beer?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u00a0 You have to order one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are incapable of surprising me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you\u2019re single or in an unhappy relationship, you realize that this is probably the reason why.\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled weakly, and the waitress backed away.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoops.\u201d\u00a0 James covered his mouth, \u201cHave I been speaking out loud?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u00a0 For the last 35 years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have to pick!\u201d the waitress nearly shouted, her voice wavering somewhere between panic and despair in a way that made me think, briefly, that she was a malfunctioning android.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll have an MGD and a side order of tatertots.\u201d James ordered, and the waitress ran away.<\/p>\n
\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf the world ends right now, I want them to find my corpse slouched over a can of MGD and a plate of tater tots.\u00a0 I try to always be prepared for that.\u00a0 Better than recovering my corpse from atop a toilet, eh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf the world ends, then who would come looking for you?\u201d<\/p>\n
James seemed confused.\u00a0 \u201cWell\u2026my mom, of course.\u00a0 What do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
James was working through the Belgian beers on the Quarry House menu while I was deciding what to do after their meager Scottish collection. \u201cI find women who can’t cook endearing.\u201d He said over the menu. I muttered a reply, …<\/p>\n