Chapter Five
\n\u201cThe Sixteen and a Half Commandments\u201d
\n<\/p>\n
Finally, the Hebos arrived at Mount Rushmore, and looked up past old Abe’s nose at a particularly convincing Hollywood lightning display.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat now, boss?\u201d the Hebos asked of Blo.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell…\u201d Blo murmured, not entirely sure of what to do himself.\u00a0 \u201cI guess I should go up to the top of the mountain and see what’s up with that lightning display,\u201d he glanced up at the stunning special effect – knowing that only BOB could afford such a big budget show.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re going up there?\u201d a fellow Hebo asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, why not?\u201d Blo replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause \u2013 well, about BOB\u2026\u201d the Hebo indicated a mental state of despair through a complicated set of hand gestures.<\/p>\n
Blo bristled, \u201cAnd what makes you want to call the great one a lunatic?!\u201d<\/p>\n
The Hebo shrugged, \u201cCould be that he’s left us out here to wander the desert without any defined goal.\u00a0 Could also be that the only contact any of us have had with him has been…well, questionable at best.\u00a0 All he’s done is shout through a bullhorn at us, make hollow promises, and forget about our existence for months at a time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe is a little absent-minded,\u201d Blo allowed, \u201cbut that doesn’t mean we should stray from his flock.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Hebo rolled his eyes, \u201cLook, some of the boys are getting together and worshipping a meaningless golden idol.\u00a0 It\u2019s actually strangely cathartic.\u00a0 Now you can go up to that mountaintop and see what BOB has to say, but we’re going to stay down here and start over from scratch.\u201d<\/p>\n
Blo nodded, \u201cI will return with proof of BOB’s loyalty to us.\u201d<\/p>\n
So Blo walked through the crowd of Hebos and began to climb the mountain.\u00a0 He reached the top after two days of arduous travel and looked about.<\/p>\n
A camera crew was filming, with Charlton Heston directing.\u00a0 F\/X men with sheet metal and strobe lights simulated a heavenly storm.\u00a0 In a leather chair, BOB lounged as only the supreme grand being of the universe could.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy BOB!\u201d Blo said, falling to his knees.\u00a0 He looked at the grand vision of BOB, whose majestic hair blew back in the simulated wind.\u00a0 Two darkly clad men flanked BOB, those being his disciples whom he created before the Earth and Man.\u00a0 At BOB’s feet, Mistress Eve blew kisses towards Blo.<\/p>\n
BOB smirked. \u201cHowdy, Blo.\u00a0 You’ve been a pretty studly guy, thus have I decided to give you…\u201d<\/p>\n
One of the disciples stepped forward and spoke in a practiced announcer\u2019s voice: \u201cThis luxury manor house in the city of Studly Town!\u00a0 And\u2026a million dollars towards the purchase of a million dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was a long pause, where BOB looked blankly at the grinning disciple.\u00a0 Finally, he shook his head and leapt up from the chair, striding over to Blo.<\/p>\n
\u201cActually, I want to give you this.\u201d\u00a0 He handed over twelve coconuts, covered in scrawl.\u00a0 \u201cThe sixteen and a half commandments that the entire human race shall follow forevermore.\u00a0 Mistress Eve engraved the words with her tongue!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you BOB,\u201d Blo replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow, no matter what my son says in a thousand years, I am a mean and wicked God who is jealous, and I may just become violently angry if these commandments are disobeyed…you understand?\u201d<\/p>\n
Blo smiled nervously, and then nodded – unable to speak in the presence of BOB’s full glory.<\/p>\n
As the film crew left with BOB, Blo read through the command\u00adments:<\/p>\n
Thou shalt not convert rock music into classical music
\nThou shalt not accept Watchtower magazine from Jehovah’s Witnesses
\nThou shall trespass as much as possible on Mormon territory
\nThou shalt not write a parody of The Boble
\nThou shall fornicate profusely
\nThou shall tease people named Edgar Wilhelm Bravedick III, Esquire
\nThou shalt not read this one
\nThou shall spend free time pursuing women (or sex)
\nThou shalt not conform to society
\nThou shall kidnap and torture any policemen in your neighborhood
\nThou shalt never drink diet soda
\nThou shalt never question BOB (unless through the Complaint Department)
\nThou shall tap dance only in the nude
\nThou shall take many Jell-o baths with thy neighbor’s wife and goods
\nThou shall wear mainly black, with deep purple-reflective sunglasses
\nThou shall be cool and accepting of all that is cool except High School Freshmen such as False Rob
\nAnd the final, half-commandment, read:
\nThou shalt never touch mon\u2014<\/p><\/blockquote>\nThe rest is lost because EVE ran out of space.<\/p>\n
And so Blo gathered the coconuts and journeyed back down to the Hebos.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Chapter Five \u201cThe Sixteen and a Half Commandments\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,150],"class_list":["post-306","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-old-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/306","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=306"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/306\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":956,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/306\/revisions\/956"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=306"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=306"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=306"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}