I read the other day that dolphins are the only other animals on earth that masturbate for pleasure. Which sort of put a whole new spin on “sailor’s best friend,” eh? There you are bobbing in the ocean as your ship goes down and here comes a dolphin — kikikiki — and the dolphin lets you grab on as it takes you to safety. Maybe you flop onto a piece of wreckage, or even find land. Then, exhausted, chest heaving, you lay there staring into the stormy skies and…the dolphin jacks off onto your stomach and then swims away. Kikikikikiki!<\/p>\n
It wouldn’t be common knowledge, of course. I, for one, wouldn’t share that tidbit when retelling my “saved by a dolphin” story to the local paper.
\n<\/p>\n
“And you made it to safety?”<\/p>\n
“Yes…”<\/p>\n
“You seem ashamed. The shipwreck wasn’t your fault! It’s okay to be a survivor…”<\/p>\n
“No, no, no. No, it’s not that… It’s…”<\/p>\n
“What?”<\/p>\n
“Sometimes I look wistfully out at the ocean and I think, ‘Why did he…'”<\/p>\n
“What?”<\/p>\n
“Nothing. Nothing. Could you hug me?”<\/p>\n
I decided to look this up because, if true, it\u2019s rather interesting. I think. And, perhaps, there are copious Youtube videos of masturbating dolphins that I can constantly play on my work computer at top volume. <\/p>\n
Sadly, the fact is that many animals masturbate for pleasure. Most sites that talk about this are very excited to point out that horses are almost constantly masturbating. It’s basically all they do when they’re just standing around. Like, as soon as you turn your back, they peel one off. <\/p>\n
Goats will actually suck themselves off. They’ll lay there for hours sucking on their cocks. Seriously. And they’ll do it till they achieve orgasm. Then calmly walk up to the fence at the petting zoo and let your child hand-feed them food pellets. <\/p>\n
If you give a female ferret a large enough and smooth enough pebble, she’ll hump herself raw. <\/p>\n
What I loved reading about were the studies where bears and hyenas like to masturbate, but only while watching others of their species have sex. Which sort of casts bears in a far creepier light than you would otherwise think. They have that sort of look about them when you think about it. Big, fat, hairy, anti-social things lurking in the bushes\u2026<\/p>\n
God. I\u2019m so strung out from working myself into the ground that all I can do is put my head on my desk and dully research animal masturbation. It worries me. I used to write thousands of words a day (largely so I could print them out and shore up my dining room table), but here I am looking for videos of masturbating sea animals and thinking about crawling home and going to bed at 8pm. <\/p>\n
It would, at least, seem worthy if I actually found those videos and could post them for your viewing pleasure. Sadly, I\u2019m not capable of anything more than the overplayed Klingon Gangam Style. <\/p>\n
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I read the other day that dolphins are the only other animals on earth that masturbate for pleasure. Which sort of put a whole new spin on “sailor’s best friend,” eh? There you are bobbing in the ocean as your …<\/p>\n