Chapter Three
\n\u201cFrogs, or A Hard Stone\u2019s Gonna Fall\u201d<\/p>\n
Blo had been watching the course of a rock\u2019s shadow for the past three hours.\u00a0 All was quiet and peaceful until Erin appeared on the rise, walked down into the valley and viciously kicked the rock.\u00a0 \u201cI’m just not having any luck with women!\u201d she barked.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon’t worry about it,\u201d Blo replied.\u00a0 \u201cWomen suck.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut it really gets me down.\u201d\u00a0 Erin sat down, staring at the ground in front of her.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m lonely.\u00a0 What am I doing wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n
BOB, who was penciling in numbers on a spreadsheet and sipping a daiquiri, replied, \u201cYou treat women like objects,\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure,\u201d BOB said, \u201cAnd only guys can treat women as objects.\u00a0 They expect it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe guys expect it?\u201d Erin asked.<\/p>\n
BOB turned to Blo, \u201cHave I been muttering all morning?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDangling modifiers,\u201d Blo replied absently, grabbing BOB\u2019s daiquiri.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d BOB said to Erin, \u201cThe women expect to be treated as objects by men. In fact, with the right guys – such as moi <\/em>– being abusive to women can really be an aphrodisiac.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, keep telling yourself that buddy.\u201d Erin muttered.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, really,\u201d BOB replied, putting down his pencil.\u00a0 \u201cWhy, it’s guys like me who torture women by saying things like \u2018don’t worry baby, if you don’t have an orgasm, you won’t get pregnant\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n Blo faked a laugh, \u201cDude, that was funny in, like, 12th grade.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWatch it!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat’ll just piss them off .\u201d Erin said.<\/p>\n BOB seemed taken aback, \u201cOh!\u00a0 I see the problem.\u00a0 You\u2019re after a relationship!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes!\u201d Erin replied.<\/p>\n BOB shook his head, \u201cOh my, I’m sorry.\u00a0 I misinterpreted your intentions.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you have there?\u201d Erin asked.<\/p>\n BOB grinned, \u201cNew curses.\u00a0 Let’s try this thing again.\u201d<\/p>\n Erin shuddered slightly, \u201cYou\u2019re all knowing, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSorta.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen let\u2019s just skip to the one that works.\u201d Erin suggested.<\/p>\n BOB seemed puzzled for a minute, then he smiled broadly. \u201cI can\u2019t sneak a thing past you, you dyke bitch.\u00a0 Okay\u2026we\u2019ll skip through the trial of humanity and get on with the moves that count.\u201d<\/p>\n So Blo went to the Fayro, and Erin delivered the same message as before.<\/p>\n \u201cWe’re Hebos, and we demand that you let our people go, you Middle Eastern pig-dog.\u201d<\/p>\n The Fayro replied, \u201cDidn’t I kill you already?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, you just – \u201c the Fayro\u2019s adjutant began, but was quickly cut off with a slap to the face.<\/p>\n The Fayro stalked over to Erin, beating his riding crop against her thigh. \u201cI could chew on your bones for hours.\u201d<\/p>\n Erin shivered.<\/p>\n \u201cBut I will not let these Hebos go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not like we need them – \u201c the Fayro\u2019s adjutant began, but he shut up as soon as the Fayro turned on him.<\/p>\n \u201cThen it will be!\u201d translated Erin, \u201cBehold!\u201d<\/p>\n Blo beat his staff upon the ground.<\/p>\n \u201cSnakes, again.\u201d The adjutant muttered.<\/p>\n There was a distant rumbling throughout the land, then BOB\u2019s masterplan became apparent:\u00a0 Multiple curses, all at once.\u00a0 Locusts fell upon the crops, hail fell from the sky, and minor politicians everywhere stumbled from behind their desks in the grips of a vile and fast-acting pestilence.<\/p>\n Still, the Fayro refused Blo\u2019s demands.<\/p>\n When BOB learned of the Fayro\u2019s refusal, he flew into a frightening and terrible rage.<\/p>\n It was Erin who came up with the flawless and perfect solution.\u00a0\u00a0 Take the crown prince and do\u2026things to him.\u00a0 That would\u00a0 prove a serious point.<\/p>\n With BOB\u2019s blessing, Erin and Blo snuck into the Fayro’s house and kidnapped his eldest son.\u00a0 Bashing in the kid’s skull, they disassembled the young heir and mailed pieces of him back to the Fayro over a long period of time.\u00a0 When religion fails, terrorism is the next best alternative.\u00a0 Just like Grandma always said.\u00a0 These events brought about the event where Blo received a letter inviting him to the Fayro’s temple. Blo and Erin met with a minor official this time\u00a0 (the Fayro was out playing golf for the weekend).<\/p>\n \u201cI take it,\u201d said the Fayro’s assistant under-study coffee-maker, \u201cthat you want the Hebos freed into your possession?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell…yeah.\u201d Erin replied.<\/p>\n Blo said something in his garbled speech.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay then, take them!\u00a0 Go!\u00a0 Before the Fayro gets back.\u201d the coffee-maker ordered.<\/p>\n \u201cTgdghe?\u201d Blo asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u00a0 Get ’em outta ‘ere!\u201d<\/p>\n Shocked, but always ready for the unexpected, Blo rounded up the Hebos, put out the bush fire, and led the entire Hebo tribe into the desert.<\/p>\n \u201cOh come on,\u201d one of the Hebo elders complained a few hours into the first day, \u201cnot the fucking desert again<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n The Fayro returned early and, much to the despair of his assistant coffee maker, was not pleased that all of his slaves had simply walked away.\u00a0 He sent his troops after the Hebos, and they chased the chosen people of BOB back and forth for a few days.<\/p>\n Now, on the third day of the 10th year of Fayro Adolf\u2019s reign, there was a strange occurrence where all of the water in the Red Sea was needed elsewhere.\u00a0 The Hebos crossed the empty sea safely, but just as the pursuing Egyptian troops hit the seabed, the desperate call for water was cancelled and the Red Sea hurried back to its proper place.<\/p>\n In the end, the soldiers all drowned.\u00a0 So it was that the Hebos traveled aimlessly through the desert without food or water for a trillion years.\u00a0 Or, at least, it sure as shit seemed like a trillion years.\u00a0 And about the Red Sea thing, look, that\u2019s what the original texts said.\u00a0 The water was \u2018needed elsewhere\u2019 but it was a \u2018false alarm\u2019 so the water \u2018came back.\u2019<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,150],"class_list":["post-284","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-old-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/284","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=284"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/284\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":965,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/284\/revisions\/965"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=284"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=284"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=284"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}